Divorcing an alcoholic

[Livinginfaith]

I’ve read a few threads which have helped but has anyone had any recent ish experience of what the process looks like and how you got through it?
I haven’t filed yet but I have spoken to a solicitor. Unfortunately when I had that meeting he wasn’t drinking and I actually believed he would stay sober for the kids/to spite me. Stupid I know now. I had wanted to stay in the house too with my two kids under 10 but actually I think a clean break would be best.
It’s very hard living under the same roof. He’s horrible with his words and actions. He’s started saying nasty things to the kids about me too. I’m trying to not engage with any of it as it just makes him worse.
I expect him to not do anything he is supposed to during the divorce process. I assume this will prolong the whole thing. I would like to know what sort of requests people made in the child and financial orders in the position where you are not sure if they’ll even have a job in the next few months?
Ideally I need a decent amount of equity to even get anything to live in in the area nearish to the kids schools so I hope the court will take that into account. I work full time (similar salary and pensions). No other assets other than the home. We’re early forties.
Does anyone also know if we likely should bypass mediation due to his inability to do anything while drinking. Sorry for all the questions I’m just struggling with all the varying parts to this because of so many uncertainties.
Absolute nightmare but I know I am now doing completely the right thing for my kids and myself. Thanks for ready if you got this far!

Sorry, I'm not really clear if he's drinking now or not? Are you saying you can't do mediation because he might be drunk? You'd generally have to go to one mediation session first, each individually. I assume if he turned up drunk for that the mediator would say it wouldn't work, and send the case to court.

I’ve petitioned for a no fault divorce from my alcoholic wife, who when drunk makes it very clear she’s unhappy in the marriage, still processing her double mastectomy 12 years ago, and generally very angry at the world (I represent the world it seems). I’ve had to call the police once as she was terrifying our 14 year old daughter. I’ve moved into the box room and sleep on a small mattress. I’ve occasionally crept back into the marital bed for comfort when she’s sober and welcomes it but it doesn’t last. No sex life for at least 10 years. I’ve been faithful as has she. I dread the divorce but our two kids (18 + 14) are expecting it and have asked me to get on with it even though I know they hope it won’t happen, at the same time. She falls back into drinking at the slightest trigger even though she’s tried AA, private counselling and more. No resilience to stress whatsoever. I still love her but have told her I can’t live with her as a practising alcoholic. She becomes an awful person when drunk. She won’t give up I think. My mental health has suffered a lot through stress and I now have a diagnosed stomach ulcer from it. In a way, the most loving thing is to dissolve the marriage so she feels free but my daughter says she wants to keep the house and have me as her primary cater which obviously my wife finds hard to accept. I worry a great deal about my daughter’s mental well being. She is managing very well and I got her to go to her school pastoral head who’s excellent but I know this awful situation is breaking her world apart (her words).

A long post, sorry. I am finding it very difficult to accept the marriage is over but I know it is. I want things to be better, to keep the house and buy her out of half of it even if this means my taking in the mortgage myself which is daunting. While my daughter has 4 more years of school I know I can focus my life on her and being the best Dad I can be but I don’t think I have the courage or stamina or even skill (anymore!) to be in another relationship. I hate the idea of loneliness and know the stats on divorced mens’ life span is not good. I want to be strong and forward looking but it’s hard when things are like this. Are there any other Dads on here who’ve come out from divorce happier and made a good go of it?

I can't help with any advice re the divorce, but I left my alcoholic partner two years ago and have no regrets. Happy to chat if you want to talk to someone who gets it.

Thanks BritInAus. Good on you. I’m new to Mumsnet and don’t know how to do chat - is this via open forum like this or private chat function?

@SouthLondonDad2015 you can PM people on here if their settings allow it.

You're doing the right thing and I'm so glad you're listening to your DDs. My two were the same age as yours when I started the process and were just as keen for the divorce to happen. My husband died before the divorce could be completed and we had police involvement due to him threatening to kill me, so it got very bad. I hope you manage to avoid that - having no fault divorce might help, my husband really resented the 'unreasonable behaviour' aspect of it even though he very much fit the criteria. It made him really uncooperative.