Husband left me

[aggies87]

Hello everyone.

I have been married for 13 years but we were rarely happy during this time. He was emotionally and financially abusing me and he also hit me few times throughout the years. His mood could change at any time and anything could have been a trigger. Yesterday we got into a big fight over our daughter taking bath/ spending too much time in there. As she only got into a bathroom I stood in her defence and tried to calm him down. He started banging on the bathroom door and stressing her out, he said he won't stop "bully" her until she learns how to have good manners and be considerate etc. after few attempts to Calm him down and asked him to relax and stop he went more and more ballistic. I then told him to f... o... and go . This is when it started to get ugly, he hit me in my head and started calling me names and using his financial abuse as usual that he is the only one paying for the flat and I just live in it. I have been always contributing towards the household costs whether it was food shopping or some bills and buying most staff for kids etc. he always used this against me that I live under HIS roof and can end up on the street at anytime. We have only moved to a new rental property in October and we were sharing a cost. In this rage he sent an email to our agency stating that he is moving out and cancelling standing order and that I am liable for all the payments including rent and bills.

I am very stressed as I don't have this kind of money. Our rent alone is 1350£ a month and I earn little bit over this amount. I work full time but this won't be enough and I don't have any savings as I used them during move. My husband has IVA due to his debts which he also hid from me or lied about for years. Back in September I ended up depressed because of all these years of roller coaster of abuse and emotions and lies and lack of stability.

I have two kids age 12 and 2. I don't know how I'm going to manage financially. We have just moved in and we had tons of staff and I can't think of looking and moving out again. We used to live in one bed flat for 11,5 years and this is a two bed flat. My older daughter has finally a room of her own and location is good.

Could you kindly advise me how I can get any help with finances in order to stay in this flat please? Thank you

Have you reported his assault to the police?
Also maybe Shelter may be able to advise on your housing situation.

You should be entitled to universal credit, also report home to the police and consider a restraining order. Women's aid or the national centre for domestic violence can help you with this. He is likely to try and come back at some point

When my husband left, I immediately applied for UC and was surprised by how much I was entitled to, despite working 26 hours a week. It’s kept me buoyant and now I have the strength to look for full-time. There are calculators online so you can check.

Good luck to you. It’s a frightening time, but I promise that being free is so worth it.

The website entitledto is often recommended on here for working out what benefits/help you can get. Remember to apply for single person discount on your council tax if he’s moved out! And please, if you’re feeling strong enough, consider reporting him to the police.

Won't you get housing benefit also? I think you might find that you will be ok financially. I think you need to ring Women's Aid for some real life support. Is there a family member who can help you?

Maybe he needs to look at his own manners?? Banging on the bathroom door whilst his young daughter is taking a bath. And complaining that she's taking too long?? Horrible behaviour coming from a grown man. And then he assaults you.. so he's full of manners then.
You will be entitled to financial help. You will get help with the rent, council tax and childcare costs.

Did he sign the tenancy agreement? If so, then he may still be liable to pay.
Apply to CMS for child maintenance ASAP. As well as Universal Credit.

... worst case, eviction may get you into social housing. Depending on your area that could be terrible or OK.

@JasperTheHungry

When my husband left, I immediately applied for UC and was surprised by how much I was entitled to, despite working 26 hours a week. It’s kept me buoyant and now I have the strength to look for full-time. There are calculators online so you can check.

Good luck to you. It’s a frightening time, but I promise that being free is so worth it.

I will call UC tomorrow. Thank you for your message. I am very scared but I know I have to go through it as it is better than years of never ending abuse. Xxx

@MikeWozniaksMohawk

The website entitledto is often recommended on here for working out what benefits/help you can get. Remember to apply for single person discount on your council tax if he’s moved out! And please, if you’re feeling strong enough, consider reporting him to the police.

Thank you for your msg. I checked and I should be entitled to some help.

@Millshake01

Maybe he needs to look at his own manners?? Banging on the bathroom door whilst his young daughter is taking a bath. And complaining that she's taking too long?? Horrible behaviour coming from a grown man. And then he assaults you.. so he's full of manners then. You will be entitled to financial help. You will get help with the rent, council tax and childcare costs.

Thank you for your message. His behaviour was appalling and I was trying to defend my daughter as she did nothing wrong. It was really scary but I know I can't continue my life like this . Everything and anything can cause this kind of aggression. Of course he claims that I am a psychopath...

@waterSpider

... worst case, eviction may get you into social housing. Depending on your area that could be terrible or OK.

I contacted housing and they asked me to apply for UC rather than offered me help with accommodation. I am so shaken up right now that I don't think I would like to become homeless just before Xmas and my daughters birthday.. I'm really upset and scare

Well done op fir taking such a big positive step for you. He sounds horrible and yes definitely abusive!!
Report him to the police. Stay strong and reach out fir support- don’t let him back into your life- you’ll be so much happier without him and frankly his behaviour is damaging for you and your kids- It’s domestic abuse. Hopefully you can get some financial support, and also if you have to move perhaps a fresh start for you & kids isn’t a bad thing! Good luck xox

@sjxoxo

Well done op fir taking such a big positive step for you. He sounds horrible and yes definitely abusive!! Report him to the police. Stay strong and reach out fir support- don’t let him back into your life- you’ll be so much happier without him and frankly his behaviour is damaging for you and your kids- It’s domestic abuse. Hopefully you can get some financial support, and also if you have to move perhaps a fresh start for you & kids isn’t a bad thing! Good luck xox

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yesterday he came home to get his things and my little two year old daughter was running after him and calling him daddy and he would not even react. It broke my heart but it shows how immature and aggressive he is. I'm happy he is out and I know it's abuse and toxic but I am sad for my kids especially that my daughters bday is approaching and Xmas time... it will be horrible time this years because I am not well enough in myself to make it a fun time and I have this fear it me of what's going to happen to us now and in the future. :(

@aggies87 don’t be sad for them- actually what you’ve done is absolutely the best thing for them- and also he has really forced you to make this step due to his own pathetic behaviour. This is one of those big life event that will change their lives for the better- growing up with an abusives parent is terrible and often leads to very poor outcomes so for them (and you!) it’s a brilliant development in your lives. None of this is on you! He’s reaction to your little girl is heartbreaking and yes goes to show what an abusive pig he is. You’ve absolutely done the right thing. There’s lots of support out there for people separating - ‘gingerbread’ are really really good; get in touch with them ASAP & you’ll find lots of support.
It won’t be a horrible time this year- you & your kids are still together & you clearly love them very much- I think giving them a future free from living with an abusive parent is something you can absolutely celebrate this Christmas xoxo

Op, so so sorry you are going through this. Must be so difficult. He is a bully and you're doing the absolute best thing for you and your daughters.
Please get on to womens aid. You can go into a refuge for now and put your stuff in storage or split amongst friends.
Wish you nothing but the best!!

@aggies87 As other people have said well done for taking such a huge step forward. It may be all very scary at the moment but soon you will realise how much better you and your children are not living in such a toxic environment.

With regards to your 12 year old's birthday I would love to help in a small way if I can........I am in the process of trying to sort out of all my crafting bits and if your 12 year old is into any type of crafting (jewellery/beading, cross-stitch/sewing, felting, drawing/colouring etc., etc) I would love to put together a box of goodies to send her. I can also sort out some colouring sheets, stickers etc for your 2 year old so they have something as well.

I don't know if this is something that they would like but if you think they would please let me know and I will sort something out for them.