Husband’s drinking putting us in danger

[Circlesmum1]

I’m at my wits end with my husband’s drinking. He works in the drinks industry but since going back to work after Corona and having our second child he just doesn’t even try to pretend to be sorry about drinking after work and coming home out of it.

Our baby doesn’t sleep well and his antics often wake me up. (Setting off fire alarm trying to cook, leaving fridge open so alarm goes off, banging on the door). He’s had 2 episodes this week which caused him to miss 2 important appointments.

I’m genuinely worried about my children growing up with a rubbish father as he does nothing with them/me ever. He is totally disconnected from family life.

We get on so well when he’s sober but I am really finding myself not wanting to be married to a kid who can’t step up to the mark.

Quitting drinking would affect his work as he has to taste wine for his job, and I’m not sure what other work he could do. Just feel at a dead end with it all.

Is there any other option than leave him?

What other option could there be?

He can and should retrain, he’s and alcoholic and you should remove your children from his influence if he won’t give up.
Can you speak to him about it whilst he’s sober?

He's married to alcohol. So sorry.

Jesus. You have to ask him to leave, hopefully to get help and come back. But it’s the only thing to do.

Pull all your financial info and go see a solicitor to work out the best way to work it. Can you get family support also?

Hopefully he’ll sort himself out, but the best way to help him to do that is to kick him out, it’s also the only way for you and your kids safety.

Daughter of an alcoholic here. My dads started with work as well.

Leave. He won't get better. You need to save your children from a life of misery.

Thanks. Yes I often do talk about it to him when sober. The first step has been getting him on to antidepressants which has helped with a lot of issues. The drinking is the last greatest hurdle that he can’t seem to kick.

I wish we could afford for him to retrain, living in London is expensive, but I’m loathe to leave where I’m from, although considering moving us all away so he can retrain and do something less detrimental to us all!

The drinking isn’t every day/hiding bottles, but it’s the state he gets in, which I believe is an issue. Dreading it with Xmas coming up!

His family no help as they are all dealing with their own problems, but I’m considering telling them as his father was/is on and off an alcoholic!

It seems unlikely to be a coincidence that his job involves drinking. Hospitality careers have a high proportion of alcoholics don't they?

I think Lured has the only realistic option.

I’m considering telling them as his father was/is on and off an alcoholic!
There's no such thing as an on and off alcoholic. His dad might go through phases of not drinking but that doesn't make him not an alcoholic. It doesn't sound like his family would be any help, and would be more likely to minimise and blame you, to cover up their own problems with drinking.

Does he want to get sober? I can't really imagine trying to be serious about that whilst working for a booze company. If he doesn't, I think you need to ask. him to leave for your children's sake as well as your own.

Speak to him about speaking to his HR person to explain the situation, they should be able to organise a settlement and retraining for him. He is ill they need to support him. If he doesn’t want to explore this leave.

There is no such thing as on and off alcoholic. You are either an alcoholic, or you aren't. There may be periods where they believe they can control their alcohol intake, however they always spiral again at some point.
You need to leave him. Talking about it clearly hasn't worked, and this isn't fair on your children. My dad was an alcoholic, and my mum openly states she waited too long to kick him to the curb, and it's one of her biggest regrets in life. She regrets allowing us to grow up with that in our house.

The only way he will stop drinking is if he wants to. His job might be a catalyst to the problem, but by choosing to stay there he's showing he has no intentions of giving up.

Thank you all. Some good suggestions I haven’t thought about as yet and helps to clarify a few things I had thought about doing. Hard to think straight with an 8 month old, 4 year old and panicking about what going to happen when I’m back working full time in 2 months!

He is drinking and an alcoholic or on a very slippery slope to become one. You are burying your head in the sand as facing the music would mean uncomfortable changes for the family (whether this would be him getting sober and retraining or you two divorcing). I come from a family of alcoholics and believe me not one woman in my family managed to save the man. Not one. Your options are: 1. You stay he drinks. 2. You leave, he drinks (or maybe he realizes and gets sober). You are not his therapist, you won't manage to fix him.