Having a wobble - couples counselling ?

[GoodnightGrandma]

Having known I don’t want to live this way for a couple of years, but carrying on for the kids and an easy life, I told him I want out.
I’ve got a solicitor appointment on Monday and now I’m having a wobble.
I haven’t told him why I want to split, don’t want to be mean and list his faults, I just said I want out.
Should I have suggested counselling first ? What does it actually do, does it try to get you back together or does it help see why you’re splitting ?
Help !!
If I cancel the appointment at 9am on Monday would I still get charged ?

It is totally normal to have a wobble, even months down the line, even if they are the worst person in the world, you still occasionally have doubts. However, I would say have the solicitors appointment, it will help give you a bit of a plan.
My experience of couples counselling wasn't great. We had counselling after I said I wanted out, he then decided (after years of me begging) he would come to counselling. I thought for the first weeks it made a difference, but it didn't really, and then after 3 months I said I'd had enough. I don't think our counsellor dealt with it well. I had hoped they would help support us in the separation, but our counsellor looked as hurt as my husband! For me, it just put off the inevitable, but after asking my husband to come for counselling for years, I felt as he had finally agreed I needed to give it a shot. I felt so hurt every time he'd said no, I didn't want to do the same.
Good luck with it all, take a deep breath and take the leap x

We sleep in separate rooms.
I don’t want to kiss him or hold his hand, let alone have sex.
He frequently irritates me and I wish he’d just disappear. I don’t want to sit in the lounge with him and watch what he watches, but then he doesn’t want to watch what I do, so is it separate lounges too ?
I just don’t want to be lonely, and I know I don’t want another relationship.

Couples Counselling can be different for everyone. Make sure it's a qualified and experienced counsellor. They'll probably have on their profile their qualifications and experience of working with couples.
Not every couple who goes for couples Counselling stay together. Really the process should be to give you both a safe space to talk, look at any issues you're both experiencing and ways of working through them, whether you choose to stay together or not. Looking at what got you to where you both are today etc ..
I'm not sure if if you would be charged if you cancel - it depends on the counsellors cancellation policy.

Sorry I misread the last part - I thought you meant you had a Counselling appointment booked for Monday. Sorry!

@GoodnightGrandma I feel for you, we avoid each other in every capacity. Very damaging for our DS though. I am fully aware I will have a lot of work to do to help our DS with this when I finally do make the break. DS adores his father so this will be very distressing for him, but H treats me appallingly so I know I need to leave. We, like you have described, do not share even the minimum common interests so I am watching Tv upstairs in my bedroom and H is in the lounge with DS bouncing between the pair of us. Horrible for him, I know, am acutely aware of this & keeps me awake every night, what I would say though is better to be alone than lonely with the wrong person. This is what I keep telling myself when I'm wobbling. Sending hugs and support to you @GoodnightGrandma

[quote findthecourage]@GoodnightGrandma I feel for you, we avoid each other in every capacity. Very damaging for our DS though. I am fully aware I will have a lot of work to do to help our DS with this when I finally do make the break. DS adores his father so this will be very distressing for him, but H treats me appallingly so I know I need to leave. We, like you have described, do not share even the minimum common interests so I am watching Tv upstairs in my bedroom and H is in the lounge with DS bouncing between the pair of us. Horrible for him, I know, am acutely aware of this & keeps me awake every night, what I would say though is better to be alone than lonely with the wrong person. This is what I keep telling myself when I'm wobbling. Sending hugs and support to you @GoodnightGrandma [/quote]
Thank you 💐 it’s no way to live. I’m well aware that life is short.

Humans are loss averse, that's all this is.

You've clearly made a rational, well-considered decision. Joint counselling doesn't cast a magic spell. I don't see what it could possibly achieve for you except to drag things out and cause unnecessary pain.

Keep your appointment. Change and uncertainty are scary, so take things one step at a time. Nerves and anxiety are your body preparing you to handle the uncertainty.

Moving forward means letting go of the past, which brings an element of grieving for the relationship you once had and your old dreams for your future. Part of grief is denial and bargaining, looking for ways to escape the loss.

Let yourself feel those things but keep moving forward - chasing the past is a recipe for pain.

Thanks. I just wish he’d change and be the person I’d like him to be, but I’ve had the promises before.
The trouble is that I’m feeling bad, but it’s him that’s drinking, spending, lying.

Those are normal feelings - if you talk to others in the same situation or who've been through it, it's so common to get stuck because you keep holding out for the wish that he'll transform into someone different.

Thinking about others matters, but it should not come at the expense of failing to value or care for yourself. Remember that. You're not doing anything wrong by protecting yourself from further harm, and therefore guilt is misplaced.

@ftw163532

Well said!

@findthecourage

What helped me to start making steps towards separation was understanding that it was more damaging for our DC to witness DH treating me appallingly than us living separately with DC's not seeing one parent at a time.

The blueprint your DC get for a future relationship and what's acceptable or normal and what is not could doom them for life. Plus quite a few relationships improve with separation (both parties willing) and it's far more important for a child to feel that parents don't hate or resent each other than both being physically miserably present together....

He doesn’t treat me badly, it’s more my frustrations at him.
His drinking. He drinks a bottle of wine every night, some people would say lots of people do, and my kids have grown up seeing that. If I ever mention it to the kids they say so what, I seem more bothered than they are.
He does very little around the house, if I ask him to do more I’m either nagging, he does it badly, or he does it once and never again. There’s lots of DIY needs doing, things from years ago. It never gets done yet I clean, shop, laundry every week. I can’t work and parent and clean and do DIY while he does very little.
He could put this right, he’s had chances before, but he doesn’t.
I’m so frustrated I’m going to be the bad one.

That is treating you badly.

@GoodnightGrandma

My message was more for the other poster who said her DH treated her appallingly but that their DS would be devastated if they split up.

But from what you describe your DH is treating you badly. How old are the kids? Most kids want to see their mother happy more than anything else in life. Having a miserable mother in general is one of the worst things which can happen to anyone. Miserable dad is no fun either, but mothers are literally our first universe and our first experience of life and we form out attitude towards life through them.

All these things you describe -for instance my sister has a very similar DH (he doesn't drink though, but she's the main breadwinner, DIY-er and parent). All of us are amazed at how she can live with him and not be miserable, but he just gives her lots of love in other ways, he's very warm, they talk a lot and go for walks nearly daily, he just spends time with her and gives her attention so yes, she's able to overlook other drawbacks because I guess she feels her life is still improved by his presence rather than diminished.

You are not going to be the bad one because you do not owe it to your kids to unhappily stay with him, then you are teaching them to betray yourself. Would you like your life for your children? Because for now that's what you are preparing for them...

I'm not necessarily advocating divorce. Maybe an actual separation where you live in different houses could show him what he'd lose and then he'd start moving towards you? I've never seen a man change without a drastic shake-up...and he wouldn't want to change with that then he never cared enough about your relationship and you...