Struggling being around happy people

[Yulehog]

I would usually be someone who says that comparing yourself to others is a waste of time, that another's happiness shouldn't offend my unhappiness etc, but by gosh, I'm struggling.

Going through a crappy separation/divorce whilst living under the same roof and others are yet to know about it. I am just about treading water for the sake of my children. I am only telling immediate family and very close friends at the moment.

I see lots of acquaintances at work/ at school pick up and there are so many people who appear to be leading great and exciting lives all around me. I know this often isn't the case but it is likely that their lives are atleast better than mine. They all have so many Christmas plans and so many friends to do things with. I'm a bit all over the place.

A lady I work with is a keen climber like myself and every weekend her and her husband seem to find time to go climbing together and for a pub lunch whilst their parents take care of their young DCs. I have nobody to climb with right now and crave the sort of marriage where there are mutual interests in sporty activities. But instead, my DH has piled on an immense amount of weight and is obstructive, miserable, shouty and just vile to be around.

Everytime I see her at work, she greets me with this immense smile and a list of all the exciting things she has to look forward to before asking "what are you up to at the weekend?" And I shrug and say something random, but I'm literally going to spend it trying not to cry and desperately trying to keep the peace infront of DCs. I might go and do something on my own for half a day or go to the gym, but I need to see where my head is at.

Another aquaintance keeps going on about holidays, they've booked 3 for next year to make up for covid. I just can't even contemplate holidays at the moment and feel guilty that my kids are missing out on a fun packed childhood.

I know people are entitled to be happy, but I am finding this so very hard as I so wish my life was like theirs but I'm just surviving.
How to handle this better?

OP
That horrible realisation that life goes on for everyone else, it is only you dealing with utter destruction. Painful but true.

I am in a similar situation. It is difficult being around people who know of my impending divorce. Listening to their everyday lives; holiday plans, Christmas plans, celebrations knowing my life is dramatically changing.

I have decided that I will not feel obligated to attend any social event. It is okay not to be okay.

Be kind to yourself. Rest, eat well. Treat yourself. Take time out.

Sorry you're going through this too @Lovinglife45. I think limiting social events around Christmas time when going through this is key.

Most people (who don't know that I'm going through this) I'm fine to be around. There are just that odd few people who seem to have their whole bloody lives together. Babysitters on demand, scheduled date nights, plenty of friends, amazing, supportive families and I have none of that. But they seem keen on sharing all of these wonderful anecdotes of their lives and it feels a little insensitive at times, or maybe even sheltered. Some people are really just surviving and it seems that this isn't even a consideration when asked "what are you up to this weekend" after lengthy monologue about their exciting lives.

I guess I'm noticing right now that some people have forgotten to be humble in an on demand, go-go-go world.

I’m sorry you’re so unhappy op, but I think that claiming friends and colleagues whi have no clue about your unhappiness shouldn’t talk about their weekend plans is going a bit far. It’s a normal social interaction.

I think instead of deciding no one should talk about social plans, focus on getting out of this relationship and what you can do to improve your well-being going forward.

It is not their fault 💐

Oh God @Bluntness100 what the heck are you doing here in this forum? Haven't you caused enough problems in relationships?

Oh dear,,,

I think it’s important to be happy for people because it makes you feel better in the long run. As hard as it is in the moment, try to think YES GOOD FOR YOU - IM HAPPY FOR THEM - THEIR HAPPINESS MAKES ME FEEL HOPEFUL etc
Etc

Ok at first you might have to force yourself to say / think it but focusing on good feelings and putting positive vibes into the world creates an all round more positive space to exist in.

I’m not saying go around grinning like a loon and pretending everything is hunky dory - that would be fake and toxic but I definitely found it helpful to aspire to the happy relationships and lifestyles
I saw around me.
You want a healthy, supportive and respectful relationship or a life full of fun and friends? You will have one. Not now no, youve got some shit to sort first but look at the people you feel envious of now and imagine how unbelievably happy you will be in the future when you come out the other side. Really picture the future you want, imagine how it feels and harness all that feeling of happiness and try and keep hold of it when the dark clouds and shittiness takes over.

You’ll get there OP, your present now will some day be a distant memory

The person at work is someone who goes around genuinely grinning like a loon. Perhaps this is why I'm finding it hard. As mentioned upthread, I am not feeling like this around everyone.

This person is really laying on the "everything in life is totally wonderful" on really thickly.

I totally get it. I was in the exact same place as you recently. Now it is public knowledge and most people are lovely and sensitive. However I would say it has made the tactless people worse... previously they didn't know my situation but now they do, and carry on blathering about their perfect lives!

I am trying to remain dignified but struggling with people who I feel should be there for me (eg work pals that barely know my stbxh) saying things like 'sometimes people do just grow apart ' and I want to reply 'and sometimes you put up with all sorts of abuse for far too long as you're scared of confronting it' .

We have been separated since May and still under the same roof with 2 kids. Its really really hard. I wish you freedom as soon as possible. Part of me has to accept the kids are going to have a shit christmas and that's part of the price of future happiness. If I had a fast forward button I would lend you it.

Stay strong even when you least feel it.

Hi OP,

The end of a marriage is a time of grief for many; mourning the future you hoped for on your wedding day, even if the marriage has come to be a negative experience now.

Being around people who have what we have lost or are losing (even if just an idea) is always hard in the beginning and can sting for a long time. It's completely normal to feel as you do. I promise your future self will be proud you got through this shitty time and will welcome celebrating festivities etc one day. It's OK to keep this one as low key and just get through whatever way you can. Avoid people who through no fault of their own are triggering at the moment. You will be OK.

I'd lend you that button too @moiranotruby your situation sounds awful 💐

Thank you for understanding @WTF475878237NC

@Yulehog

The person at work is someone who goes around genuinely grinning like a loon. Perhaps this is why I'm finding it hard. As mentioned upthread, I am not feeling like this around everyone.

This person is really laying on the "everything in life is totally wonderful" on really thickly.

Why don't you, without going into details, tell the person what's going on.

"Well happy person, I'm having a bit of a tough time at the moment and am going through a divorce. I won't go into details, but I guess my weekend plans won't be much fun I'm afraid."

See her become more sympathetic. You have things in common- she might ask you to go climbing?

I can totally relate to this, I am still living with my stbx and it's horrible, I am dreading Christmas, we are at mediation stage. I am surrounded by happy families, I am happy for them but left feeling tearful at the school gate.. I hope things get easier op

Life has its ups and downs. When you are down, its easy to see everyone having a better time. When you are 'up' , you don't notice where other people are as much.

Your life will move upwards, it will just take time.

Sweetie1980 - keep going, you got this x

I'm in the same boat too.... separated since Jan and now going through divorce. Recently I realised I couldn't handle hearing how everyone else's lives were moving on, as mine stands still and I am in limbo, not really having any idea of mine or kids futures ie. will I get the house, can we manage it, will we have to move? etc etc. And when you are "forced" to see friends new family homes, listen to xmas plans etc etc. I actually nearly lost it and walked out of a friend's housewarming lunch recently. And all these friends know what's happening to me too...... but their lives are carrying on as normal and they can't hide it from me. I wanted to stop socialising altogether (I didn't).

HOWEVER, I started opening up a few months ago, to anyone at all who asked how I was..... I just told them the truth - husband has left me, now with a woman who was my friend, kids refuse to see him.
And........ I have been utterly overwhelmed with kindness and support, even from people who hardly know me!! Human spirit is alive and kicking and has given me faith back in humanity.
Honestly, try it OP. Open up, you'll be amazed at what comes back at you.

Sadly though....... but this bit will be good for you...... the more you open up the more you will realise that actually there is so much unhappiness out there, in people's relationships☹ You wouldn't believe the number of friends who have told me they've also experienced infidelity or their husband is an alcoholic etc. I am shocked. And it's only because I have opened up to them that they have told me.
I'll bet you that your friend at work isn't truly happy and living a seemingly perfect life, but is pretending.

Try it, open up. Let that support in, it makes you feel so much better not having to pretend anymore too......
Sending huge empathy hugs to you💐

Life is in seasons. This is the season you are in now. You will get through this. Just keep your head down and keep working through things. You will be happy again.

@Perinono

I'm in the same boat too.... separated since Jan and now going through divorce. Recently I realised I couldn't handle hearing how everyone else's lives were moving on, as mine stands still and I am in limbo, not really having any idea of mine or kids futures ie. will I get the house, can we manage it, will we have to move? etc etc. And when you are "forced" to see friends new family homes, listen to xmas plans etc etc. I actually nearly lost it and walked out of a friend's housewarming lunch recently. And all these friends know what's happening to me too...... but their lives are carrying on as normal and they can't hide it from me. I wanted to stop socialising altogether (I didn't).

HOWEVER, I started opening up a few months ago, to anyone at all who asked how I was..... I just told them the truth - husband has left me, now with a woman who was my friend, kids refuse to see him.
And........ I have been utterly overwhelmed with kindness and support, even from people who hardly know me!! Human spirit is alive and kicking and has given me faith back in humanity.
Honestly, try it OP. Open up, you'll be amazed at what comes back at you.

Sadly though....... but this bit will be good for you...... the more you open up the more you will realise that actually there is so much unhappiness out there, in people's relationships☹ You wouldn't believe the number of friends who have told me they've also experienced infidelity or their husband is an alcoholic etc. I am shocked. And it's only because I have opened up to them that they have told me.
I'll bet you that your friend at work isn't truly happy and living a seemingly perfect life, but is pretending.

Try it, open up. Let that support in, it makes you feel so much better not having to pretend anymore too......
Sending huge empathy hugs to you💐

Yes sooo very true...most people are going through shit in their lives but we just put smile on and carry on. Not many people are having truly wonderful lives.