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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Coping with the guilt

6 replies

Mummsnett · 18/11/2021 10:11

Wondering how others who instigated the split cope with the guilt? Been together 8 years during which OH went through a lot, and put me through a lot. My personality means I fixed everything, organised everything and facilitated his life. He's doing so well now which is great, but the past few years of calm highlighted to me that I'm not fulfilled by the relationship - whilst he has been happy, I've been lonely. On reflection I blame myself for letting our relationship get to this stage (we have 2 young dcs) and although I tried to break up with him a few times previously, I always allowed myself to be talked back into the comfort of being in a relationship rather than facing the reality. Ex is obviously very hurt and angry,can't believe I had children with him when I had doubts, lists the issues he'll now have to face (will have to kick out tenant in his flat but can't afford to pay mortgage alone, can't live near his family because of his work, won't get to see his kids everyday etc.) Typically I would start working through solutions for him, but have to leave him to do that himself now, although he's not emotionally able to just yet. Essentially I have sacrificed his happiness for my own, and although I feel it is necessary, I feel awful. We should have broken up before kids but there's nothing I can do about that. How have others faced these feelings? Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
Pumpkinstace · 18/11/2021 10:24

It's really hard.

I ended things when the DC were 4 and 18mths.

I'm nearly 4 years down the line now and I still feel guilty. It's starting to ease but that is just making me delay divorce proceedings because I don't want it reignited.

My husband had MH issues but wouldn't admit it or get help. It broke us. I feel guilty for not being able to help him and guilty towards my children.

I have to remind myself constantly that he was aggressive and it's for the best.

Mummsnett · 18/11/2021 10:38

Thanks for replying @Pumpkinstace,
our dc are the same age, how have yours coped with the split?

OP posts:
Pumpkinstace · 18/11/2021 10:49

The eldest struggled a bit to start with.

She still has off days but very few and far between, that's more her dad in her ear though. She 8 now.

One of the reasons I persevered was because I knew it was better the younger they were.

They don't really remember daddy living here now. They go to his every fri-sun. He lives with his mum so they get spoilt and well looked after, they love it there.

mrsh1807 · 18/11/2021 10:50

I handled the guilt by trying to be as friendly and accommodating as possible (most of the time, I'm not a saint!).

However recently he has totally disregarded my feelings about his GF and our children and it has been a bit of an epiphany - all the reasons why I left him were 100% valid, I had to go because of his behaviour.

I don't deserve to sacrifice myself for him, and so the guilt is misplaced.

He is who he is, and I am who I am. If we hadn't had kids we would have split sooner I suspect, but then again it was having the children that brought out the worst in him.

So, try and focus on you and your kids and the reasons for doing this. He will move on, as will you. It will get easier, ultimately you are not responsible for him, he is.

Good luck.

Mummsnett · 18/11/2021 13:08

"ultimately you are not responsible for him, he is."
@mrsh1807 I think that's the biggest change in mentality required for me. Stop parenting him and leave him to it. Very difficult but obviously necessary in this situation.

OP posts:
TheresACrackInEverything · 18/11/2021 21:58

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I know exactly what you mean. I think you just have to keep reminding yourself that it's not right for you to live in misery so you don't disrupt his life.

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