Leaving but being given silent treatment

[Scaffoldtothesky]

I've had a thread going on in Relationship section and after weeks of torturing myself, I'm making peace with my decision to leave my loveless, toxic marriage. I have found somewhere to move out. Inside I am excited and see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I'm also frustrated, angry and hurting

I have one DC (3), my main concern is obviously their welfare and happiness throughout this. My question is what on earth am I meant to do about discussing how to co parent and arrangements when STBXH is giving me the silent treatment. This is despite marriage counselling where he is being asked repeatedly by the counsellor to try and communicate but his response is that he finds it difficult and he is protecting himself by not talking.

One of the main reasons why I am leaving the marriage is the shit communication, his passiveness, passive aggressiveness, defensiveness and so on. So how on earth do I start co parenting with someone who doesn't communicate? I've said to him, it's up to him to say what he wants and for him to want to discuss it. He keeps fobbing me off and there's no discussion. At the marriage counselling today, he described what he wants and he basically wants to be involved in everything including spending time with DC at my new place in the mornings, evenings and weekends

I feel like I'm going insane under the pressure and upset and guilt of the marriage breakdown, the logistical issue of moving out and on top of it all dealing with the constant silent treatment.

Sorry that's so long. Help please.

I would just leave it. Why should you do the hard work of trying to arrange parenting with someone who isn't speaking to you?

I'd have simply said No, that's not going to happen when he brought up the ridiculous idea of being with DC in MY new place. He'll need to think of something else.

But I'd be cheerfully getting on with my life and ignoring the silent treatment. He'll need to get better at communicating with you if he wants to see the DC once you've moved out, won't he? I'd put the onus on him to make some efforts.

Lay down some plans and rules and say you're open to discussion. Then he has the choice of either communicating or doing it your way.

Well done!! The sooner it's all done, the better!

Don't mention it again, or anything else!

If he wants to see his DC he'll have to ask you!

Do what suits you at every given opportunity, he'll have to talk to you if he's got a problem with anything! Asshat

Thanks for the replies.

@MadMadMadamMim thank you, you've absolutely captured exactly how I feel. I'm literally being ignored into oblivion then he comes out with that. Still at least it's consistent, he goes on like I don't exist now and actually wants to continue that in MY new home... Like I don't exist!!

@NovemberNovemberDarkNights, yes I'm actually not even going to mention it again or try not to. Here I am feeling so wracked with guilt about separating but he can't even be bothered to talk to me.

@Doona in terms of my plans, I've made clear now I'm leaving and moving out. We both agree (as much as you can with someone who isn't talking to you) that DC is coming with me. What do you mean by rules?

I am scared to leave without a co parenting plan or agreement. Am I "allowed" to do that? I know he has to step up and actually to me, I have offered enough times without being pushy, but I'm scared he is going to twist it and make out that I'm kidnapping my own DC. I have not seen a solicitor and probably should shouldn't I?

Good for you.

I am 18 years on and I wish I'd done what you are doing.

Make your boundaries. Apply them. It's up to him. You can't force him to care about you or your kid or anything that's not what he wants.

Am in awe.

Bloody good for you.

I meant rules about his idea to come over to where you live every day. You might say he has to call in advance, or only on weekends or whatever you want.

I don't know about the law, but I'm certain you are allowed to move house with your own child. People do it all the time.

I’d assume you are going to parent 24 hours a day, and I certainly wouldn’t be letting him into your new place.
If he wants to see them he takes them out.
And yes, you need to see a solicitor fast, especially if you have any joint savings etc.

All about the rules and boundaries. If he wont communicate you need to set up the parenting plan. I would be wary about blurring the lines of him coming to your place to see your DC. Why can't he parent on his own? Keep the boundaries, over time you maybe able to relax them, but your emotions will be all over the place to start with. Why leave if he is at your place every morning and evening anyway? That sounds like a nightmare!

With regards to moving, you can do that - it would only be an issue if he suspected you were disappearing to prevent contact, so if you are staying local, it shouldn't be an issue.
If he is not talking to you, write down a parenting plan that you feel works for you as a starting point, but have some back ups available with tweaks you'd be happy with - that way you can be flexible/amenable and he has got no argument you are being the opposite.
Definitely put the idea off the table of him swanning into your new place on a morning/evening/every weekend - this will be your new home and you are entitled to enjoy it in privacy and without feeling you have to entertain him at his whim. If you are happy to say he has to ring and ask before turning up, then that's up to you - but write it down that just by ringing and asking is NOT a given you will say YES - he has to be prepared for you to say NO if it is not convenient/suitable for you.
Will he be expecting over nights? Do you have a children's/family centre nearby? They might be able to help you come up with some ground rules and some kind of rota/parenting plan. Stay firm, he's not discussing it, so he can not expect to sulk and get his own way - he needs to start acting like an adult and a parent xx

I'd put something in an email to say you're happy to come up with an agreement that suits you all and ask what works for him. I'd say that there is no way contact will happen in your home. Then you've made it clear that you are willing and cooperative about arranging contact. It also means you don't have to keep trying to have conversations with someone who won't respond. The ball is in his court. It sounds very frustrating btw and not like he has the best interests of your child at heart.

This is frustrating I know, my ex is similar, silent treatment is one of the reasons I finally decided to leave his sorry ass after 25 years of marriage. I think the problem is that we are so used to discussing everything with our partners, doing everything together and/or waiting for their agreement on things that even at separation we try to do the same. It turns out that men (perhaps women too), can be very difficult when it comes to separation and will not be open for reasonable, civil discussion and communication.

If I were you, I would stop counseling as it is obviously not working and get a lawyer and get some advice. I would stop trying to work things with him and start thinking about what I want and conveying this to him in the most convenient form for you, like some of the posters suggested, write him an email, or an actual letter. Keep in mind that you may not be able to talk to him reasonably like you would like to, that this arrangement may have to helped by an outsider, either lawyer or mediator, but I really think if you can afford it lawyer is your best bet.

Thanks for the replies. The silent treatment continues. I have not pushed it to talk about the childcare arrangements or anything. I've offered again to talk but there's no follow up. I do feel like I'm in a battle of wills to back down from leaving.

@freeatlast2021 thank you, you commented on my other thread and there's so many similarities with what you've gone through. Yes the counselling has stopped this week, mainly because we don't talk so no decision to continue or not.

@Booboobadoo yes it's the last week or so I'm seeing he doesn't have our DC's interest at heart. I have no idea what he thinks he's doing but just seems like he's simmering in resentment and indignation that I am planning to leave.

Thanks to all the really practical tips here, I am feeling like writing him an email might be a possibility, not that he will read it. I actually have no idea what a childcare plan that I would be happy with would look like, because I just want to get away from him. I know that sounds awfully selfish.