50/50 custody

[BeGonegonegone]

Do you still get financial help from the government with 50/50 custody? I work part-time and he is demanding 50/50, I think to get out of paying CMA.

Also, if I were to take him to court, would they likely impose 50/50 despite him working FT and being unable to do any school pick ups or drop offs (he's a senior leader in a school) and me being PT and being able to do 5 drop offs and 3 pick ups?

It makes no sense for him to have 50/50 when he's often in work from 7.30-6.00pm.

He wants 50/50 but he can't do any school runs? How's is he going to get them to school then ?

Childcare on his time is his responsibility.

I've experience of 50/50 working well, and also of it being an utter clusterfuck. You need to attend mediation before court, and absolutely insist on not filling any of the gaps in his time. Wrap-around childcare for slt hours on a 50/50 rota is going to be a nightmare for him to arrange.

He is intending to rely on his parents like he does for everything else and will pay for wrap around care if they ever can'tdo it. It just seems non-sensical. He's even suggested that we go 50/50 but he drops them with me on his way to work so that I can take them to school for him!!

He will struggle to even cook them dinner some evenings as my youngest is ready for bed at 6.30pm! She's 3.5!

Well you need to insist that you don't do anything on his time.

My ex wanted 50/50 and thought that having his very elderly mum move in on his weeks was the solution - she didn't drive, couldn't walk as far as the school, never mind entertain a 3 and 6yo before school and up to 7pm half the week. The mediator was quite blunt with his advice and the sheer stupidity of his suggestions, and pointed out that his plan was going to cost him waaaay more in wraparound care than cm would.

What is the current set up with regards to childcare responsibility? How old are your children? Starting off with something similar to the current status quo would be a better start than going straight to 50/50 as this will be less of an upheaval for the children and you can aim to increase time so it becomes 50/50 if thats what he really wants, especially as your youngest is only 3.5.
If he hasn't been involved in the majority care, your suspicion around CMA is probably right. If that is the case, then his enthusiasm will wane and he will start becoming unreliable and making excuses.

If the 50/50 is adamant, you need to stand your ground and say on that time he is entirely responsible. He doesn't get to drop them off with you on a morning to take them where they are needed. You need to agree what the cut off is for the other parent to take responsibility and picking up if there is an illness or emergency.
50/50 has been our arrangement over the last 5 weeks, whilst he hasn't outwardly complained and I have had to save his skin on pick up on one occasion already, I have made the decision to move closer to both our families with our daughter, and he hasn't hit the roof like I envisaged. I think it is taking it's toll on him already. Oh and I've been documenting everything. I think he has also realised that his costs for wrap around care are probably the same as any CMA he would have to pay.
Go to mediation - they should help in you agreeing contact and you can raise all the points you've mentioned and with an independent there, it may hit home how unfeasible it is for him - although with regards to the tea thing, wouldn't his parents feed them? Does he also realise that wrap around care may not always be available if his parents bow out? Him relying on his parents may also be too much for them and not sustainable in the long run (sorry if that is all over the place - just writing things down to consider as they come to me) xx

Will the courts think it’s a good idea for the children to be in paid childcare when they have a parent who is able and willing to care for them?

Also I thought the objective was stability for the children. So unless he has been doing 50:50 for the last few years , why would that be of benefit to the children now?

Thanks so much for all of this advice.
Our set up for the last 8 years (eldest is 8) is that I've worked 2-3 days a week, I do all school drop offs and 3 pick ups. On the 2 days I don't pick up, it's his parents. They also provide an evening meal for them and ExH collects them on his way home from work. He also sometimes has parents evenings so I have to collect them on these evenings when I finish, also at 6pm.

He gets home from work at around 6 usually, I cook an evening meal 4-5 times a week, he does 2-3. We do bath and bed times between us. Weekends, we spend as a family or he goes off to do one of his hobbies- motorsports or golf.

He doesn't get to choose "which" 50% he gets.
It's an equal split, so equal parenting responsibilities.
He won't know what's hit him once he tries it.

You are focusing on what is best for the kids but you also need to think about what is best for them long term and also for you long term.

If he wants 50-50 then he needs to be solely responsible during his time. None of this you pick up the slack for him with school runs nonsense. I am guessing you have sacrificed your career to prioritise the kids.

Make sure that is reflected in the financial settlement and also start focusing on it now. One way to do this is with 50-50 don’t do week on week off. Instead you get certain days of the week and he gets certain days. Then you can try and increase your hours when you don’t have the kids and you are paying less for childcare.

Also 50-50 means that you share costs for things like clothes and activities. Be really clear on this.

He won't share costs. I hate that if we go 50/50 he'll still be controlling how I spend money- I'll have to justify buying them a new coat, new shoes because I'll be asking him to pay 50%. He just won't buy anything, wait for me to buy it and then quiz me over it. I just don't want to have to have that level of communication with him all the time and also the control he'll still have

Make sure you don't fall into the trap of sacrificing every weekend. You need weekends to chill or you might want to take them to stay overnight with your side of the family etc.

He would be perfectly allowed to use childcare during his time. Presumably he plans to use before/after school club and nursery plus holiday clubs to work his hours. Don't enable him by taking the kids to school on his days. It's his problem to solve. Remember that 50/50 refers to nights spent at each house and not waking hours so don't fall into the guilt trip trap that you have time that he doesn't like after school.

Does he earn more than 60k per year ? He could make things difficult for you by trying to claim the child benefit and paying it back. With 2 kids and 50/50, parents often agree to claim for one child each. Claiming Child Benefit is often the "gateway" to other benefits so don't just hand it all over to him.

Also make sure that he pays all childcare on his days and that you have a time of day when his days start. Otherwise you might have him trying to wriggle out of paying holiday care because you're available more. A good time would be something like 7:30 (school/nursery drop off time) A devious person would try and say that their day started after they finished work which would cost you

Ok. If he has 3 overnights and I have 4, what does that look like in terms of CMA? Also in terms of any government financial assistance I might be entitled to?

Whoever claims child benefit has access to the child related element of universal credit. As you are the lower earner it would make sense for this to be you, but bear in mind he might then turn round and insist that you buy everything for them as you get the child benefit..
You can see how much you would be entitled to with claiming one child or two on various calculators, I used turn2us.
For child maintenance payments you can calculate how much he would earn with a 3 day/4 day split on the government CMS calculator.

www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

benefits-calculator-2.turn2us.org.uk/

I still got tax credits which i guess would now be uc. We are and were 50/50 and i got no maintenance from ex as a result. I got the child benefit and used that to buy most things like coats and shoes etc. I asked him to split costs for exceptional expenses like birthday parties and full September school uniform kit out. If he doesn't want to hand cash give him a job. Please go buy two packs or five school polos in white age 6-7. I have bought trousers.

My ex did become a better dad once he wasnt married to me. As he had to as i wasnt there to carry him. So he did start
Leaving work earlier etc.

The biggest thing about 50/50 is about letting go of control. If he puts them to be too late. Its him who has to manage them in the morning. Not your problem. If he uses his parents. None or your business.

He uses wraparound and pays for it. I work flexibly and dont need it so dont

Well I've just used the maintenance calculator and according to it he would still have to pay me 347 per month with a 3/4 split. Does that sound right? I'm not sure.

His salary is 49,000. Mine is 15,000.

You don’t have to negotiate with him over buying your children clothes and shoes. You buy them things to keep at your house and he does the same.

He has to do EVERYTHING for the kids when they are at his. It’s NOT the same as sending your kids to grannys for the weekend with a full suitcase of clean clothes and detailed instructions on what to feed them etc .

You get the child maintenance from him and you do what you like with it. You are not accountable to him for it in any way.

With a 4/3 split in your favour he still pays maintenance -- though about half what it would be compared to a 7/0 split.

@BeGonegonegone

Well I've just used the maintenance calculator and according to it he would still have to pay me 347 per month with a 3/4 split. Does that sound right? I'm not sure.

His salary is 49,000. Mine is 15,000.

Have you taken off his pension contributions think this is part of the calculation?

I would defitely suggest mediation.

As others said. If he wants them overnight. He us responsible till school or nursery. This gives you the opportunity to work on his days or indeed just catch up on sleep.

If you drive the children to school that is your fuel costs.

He's just dropped another corker. Apparently he intends on buying me out of our 4 bed detached because "I can afford to buy you out but you can't afford to buy me out."
Oh to have rich parents...
Where does this leave me? 😥

It's so ridiculous how it is now so much in favour of the father. I firmly believe that in most cases, children are best in the care of their mother. You don't have to agree to him buying you out of your home if it is still in your joint names.