Where do you go for support when you have none?

[Missslapdash]

A big reason for me continuing my miserable relationship is because I have no support. I don't really have a place to call my own either- I live in DPs hometown, surrounded by DPs friends and DP family. It's suffocating.
I have no friends in the village I grew up and was glad to escape it after after growing up in an abusive, alcohol fuelled household. My parents are unreliable and had I had parents I could depend on, I would have left DP, kids in tow years ago.
I've been watching Maid on Netflix and feel there's a resemblance between her situation and mine as she's also surrounded by shit people. In the end, it's her being a good person despite her shit situation which attracts help from others to pull her out of her awful situation.
I'm however not in an abusive situation, but trapped in a loveless, neglectful one. DP keeps his friends for himself whilst I'm too busy raising children, working and running a household to even socialise and meet people. I also have a chronic health condition which means I only get so much energy to expend, so it all goes on my kids. I feel trapped.
I'm a good person, I volunteer a couple of days a month for a cause I'm passionate about, I care. But I have no practical or emotional support since my grandfather died. I recently found a lump which has to be investigated. I had nobody to tell or even to care about me.
I feel inspired by Maid to try and leave DP, but I'm going to need some support. I've done a little research and women's aid comes up but I'm not being abused, just emotionally neglected.
We own the house equally but he refuses to leave. I could leave and rent somewhere but not sure how I'd afford furniture as we have no spare cash. I know I'd get help with rent etc.
I work part-time as I also have a pre-schooler at home and can't get any more work. I like my job so wouldn't want to leave it for another either.
DP does not work at all to be in a relationship together. He is insular, selfish and happy with his social circle, whom I don't really know after almost 10 years together. But he also won't leave. My inlaws are great practically but are also emotionally avoidant, they have a rose tinted view of DP also. I have basically been told to put up and shut up.
We are not married and I know how vulnerable that makes me from a financial point of view. Promises of marriage have come to nothing. I feel like DP is possessive of me deep down and happy to have me isolated and all to himself. He is lazy and argues when I ask him to contribute to the household or he does it with resentment and creates misery all around us.
My counsellor showed concern for me that I have no anchor. No real place to call home. I don't know where I want to live. I could stay here as my eldest DC goes to school and had friends here. But this feels like his place, not mine with his people everywhere. Everyone knows him and his family "such a nice family" but they aren't to me. I've been encouraged to reach out and make some friendships, join a group. I'm trying but it's taking time and sometimes, my energy levels won't allow for it.
I'd love to get away from him.
Where can I reach out for support?

it isn't easy and it won't come overnight. i think your counsellor is right in being concerned about not having a support network. it's not that easy to build one but it can come. Are there people where you work or volunteer that you can establish friendships with? Just suggest a coffee or find an 'in'? Are you in any watts groups? How about at the school gates? anywhere you have interactions be alert to opportunities to make more of them.

There are also apps and friendship sites based around activities such as meet up.

I’ve no advice, but I feel for you OP . When I split from DP almost a decade ago, I didn’t have anyone to lean on either. I used Mumsnet a lot for advice. It used to make me cry though, when posters suggested to other OPs that they should invite a friend over on a Friday night, to keep them company and listen to their separation woes. I didn’t have anyone I could ask over for a quick cup of coffee, let alone have someone give up their Friday night for me!

But I did leave my DP. You can get through this on your own! It’s just a bit harder. Don’t spend energy trying to make friends, just leave.

I don’t have a similar experience but two things strike me

• being out of this horrible relationship with no support will probably be better than being in this horrible relationship with no support
• are there any groups you can join related to your chronic condition?
• does your DP work? I was a bit confused? Maybe check out what you’d be entitled to if you did leave him - he’d have to pay child maintenance, presumably you’d get universal credit - and that would give you an idea of what you have to start with? I’m guessing your home is in his name? Or do you rent, and if so whose name is on the tenancy?

You need to decide it is something you want to do. Because this is far from a hopeless situation. Maid is a fictional piece set in the US. That’s not your situation.

First of all you have a job. You also have entitlement to benefits and child support as a single mother. Paid for child care is available when the preschooler is 2. As a single mother you won’t be well off but you won’t be destitute.

Housing is always a difficult issue to deal with in the UK. But it is not a case that he won’t leave. It is a case that he doesn’t want to. But as he doesn’t individually own the property and he has children, it won’t be down to his choice. Legally the only way he can stay is to buy you out of the property. But you have more rights to stay in the property than him.

The best thing you can do is speak to Women’s Aid. There doesn’t need to be abuse. One option is apply for an occupation order to stay in the family home whilst he moves out. That’s short term. In the long term despite not being married it is possible for you to be allowed to legally stay in the property in order to provide you with a home for the children. He will still have an interest but it protects the children’s home.

It’s also possible for you to get a mortgage on a low income, CMS and benefits.

The only situation you want to avoid is receiving a lot of equity and not using it to but property. It will limit access to benefits and burn up quickly into rental payments. But at the end of the day your worse case scenario is getting a lump sum, living off it until you become entitled to benefits again. A far cry from Maid.

Other good reasons to leave him are that the children are young. This means you can reasonably move to community that suits you if you want. Also Co parenting means you have fixed time to yourself. To do what you want with who ever you want.

Yes he works FT in quite a good job. I meant that he doesn't work at our relationship at all. But it's got to a point now where I don't even want him to, which is sad.

The resemblance to Maid @LemonTT is literally just the aspect of no support around her at all. It really struck me that it's actually believable that a woman might have no support around her. I always felt it was all my fault I was lonely prior to watching Maid so it has brought me some comfort.

He's saying that he won't pay child maintenance because he wants 50/50 custody. Which makes absolutely no sense when I can do most school drop off and pick ups when he can't do any. I've no doubt he's expecting to get 50/50 with me still "helping" him on his days. Also, he won't buy anything for the children, it will all be on me to buy clothes, shoes etc, I'll be penniless if he gets 50/50.