Process of separation - the painful bits that need doing :(

[Fijiwater]

Having a teary morning! Told the neighbours, mortgage is being sorted out, had a row with the ex, cancelled various wedding bits (dress, hair, makeup). All in all, quite awkward and painful! Now out walking in the rain and I forgot my umbrella. Could be worse of course but still feeling pretty glum! Any tips for getting through this?

That sounds really tough and very emotional. Is the rain helping?! Telling people does seem to make it more real, hopefully everyone has been sympathetic?

You don't have to do it all at once!

Walking in the rain is amazing, very grounding. Go home and have a huge hit shower then climb into soft, comfortable clothes. Make a good coffee. Take 10mins to scroll something upbeat like Insta or something funny.

Take a break from breaking up.

Do another task or two tattoos then award yourself the rest of the day off.

Remind yourself you are taking responsibility for your future and this pain will pass.

Get lots of sleep and stick with gentle, supportive people. X

• hot not hit
• tattoos? ! Sorry, clearly typo

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to think about getting a couple of things done at a time and not the whole enormity of it all. If you have a good solicitor, they will guide you about doing things and the priorities. In between just try to be kind to yourself and take it a step at a time. Some times you might feel on top of things, some times not and that's ok too.

@PragmaticWench

That sounds really tough and very emotional. Is the rain helping?! Telling people does seem to make it more real, hopefully everyone has been sympathetic?

The rain was fitting for my mood lol! Telling people does make it more real and I'm still in the stage where I get tearful when I verbalise it, which can be embarrassing.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

You don't have to do it all at once!

Walking in the rain is amazing, very grounding. Go home and have a huge hit shower then climb into soft, comfortable clothes. Make a good coffee. Take 10mins to scroll something upbeat like Insta or something funny.

Take a break from breaking up.

Do another task or two tattoos then award yourself the rest of the day off.

Remind yourself you are taking responsibility for your future and this pain will pass.

Get lots of sleep and stick with gentle, supportive people. X

You're right, I am trying to do it bit by bit but there's so much to do I'm trying to do a few bits in one go. Unfortunately we are still sharing the house, so I've left to go to my friends to work and they are out and I've forgotten the key! What a day. Love the advice of "take a break from breaking up" and the fact I'm taking responsibility, gives me some feeling of control. Thanks so much xx

@TheTrinity

I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to think about getting a couple of things done at a time and not the whole enormity of it all. If you have a good solicitor, they will guide you about doing things and the priorities. In between just try to be kind to yourself and take it a step at a time. Some times you might feel on top of things, some times not and that's ok too.

You're right, sometimes I do feel on top of things and sometimes I don't. Definitely not thinking of the enormity of it all, that would be beyond overwhelming as even the smaller tasks feel painful and set me back a bit. I feel good being practical but also trying to process the emotional aspect at the same time is heartbreaking.

Thanks all for your lovely replies :) I'm in a bit of limbo where I'm waiting for my flat purchase to go through, which is always stressful, and then the horrible wait of knowing when I can actually move in there and what I will do in the meantime as staying in the same house is proving to be too difficult and not a good environment for me to process a breakup, with him already have come to terms with it as he spent months waiting to tell me.

Well, a few weeks on and I've had to pay for the remaining balance of my wedding dress. Ex asked me how I was and I couldn't be bothered to pretend to be strong so just said I was as well as could be considering I'd just cancelled my wedding dress, and that I am mourning what might've been. He hasn't replied, not that I expected him too. Beginning to have uncomfortable niggles that there may have been someone else in the picture. Wouldn't have expected it before, but I clearly don't know him at all.

Struggling with grieving the relationship, particularly the sweetness of the beginning and the hopes and dreams we shared. I keep revisiting the early days of our dates where there felt like so much hope. On the waiting list for counselling but considering seeking it privately as I'm struggling a lot with crying and grief right now.

I don’t have much useful but I’m here and listening. It sounds tough & well done for putting yourself on the list for counselling. More tiny kind things to remind you that you are special and worth it? A new pair of socks or gloves for wintery walks?

Don't fight it. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve. Your whole future you thought you had has gone and now you are facing the unknown. It's taken me a long while to get to the point where I feel so much better about things and my positivity is returning. You can all do this. Keep your tight knit circle small, do the things you enjoy and hey try a bit of harmless flirting if it happens yo come your way. The confidence boost it can give is great xx

@LizziesTwin that's a good idea :) I've ordered myself some nice bath stuff from the Boots sale that I'm going to enjoy and also save some bits for when I move into my new place (hopefully in the next few months)

Hope everyone is well. Feeling incredibly tearful today! Still in a bit of limbo and ex has been messaging me every day asking how I am, and general chatter about the pets. Whilst I enjoy talking to him, every bit of contact is a reminder and when feeling vulnerable it either upsets me more or makes me feel false hope.

I understand being amicable whilst we sort out the house/finances etc but I think he's being friendlier to make him feel less awkward or he doesn't find it awkward at all to chat as he's comfortable with his decision to end things.

I know the boundaries I want to put in place when I move (don't want any contact with him). But I don't know how to set the boundaries in this interim period.

Ignore the chat. Answer only what you need too. You need time and space to grieve and heal. Do what is right for you. And keep your emotional and physical distance as best you can.

@unicornsarereal72 thank you for your reply. Physical distance is absolutely there as I made arrangements to split the week where I'm at the house for X amount of days then the rest of the week I stay with a friend. If I could, I would move out permanently until my new place is free (sale is in progress) but I don't have anywhere to go with my cats.

Tbh I expect the chatter will stop from today as I had a wobble and really said how I felt when he asked me how I was (I said I was sad and baffled by the whole situation and wish he had spoken to me rather than withdrawing). He typically did not reply to that.

I don't know what is right for me at the moment unfortunately!

He wants you to tell him it's all ok to ease his guilt. Do what you need to for you. And know further down the line this horrible time will be far behind you.