Ex Blackmailing our children - Venting

[Jne1]

My NEx has been pushing for the children to stay with him overnight on Wednesday night during the school week. The children already spend alternate weekends with him (Fri - Mon) plus dinners on a Monday after ‘my’ weekend, and dinners on a Wednesday.

The last three weeks my youngest (12) has messaged him to say she doesn’t want to spend the night, and has been very clear to her Dad that it’s too much hassle in the week and a pain the following day (he lives 5 miles from school). I’ve said to her that I’ll support what makes her happy.

Today’s offering from him to her was that if she didn’t stay overnight tonight, he wouldn’t see her at all as ‘there was no other option’.

He said this to her on the phone, and then in person when he arrived to collect our eldest daughter (14). Our youngest was distraught, it was like he was a robot to her feelings.
I can’t believe someone could be so cold and cruel, to their own child? She was genuinely upset at not seeing him, but just didn’t want to stay overnight.

I guess I’m not really asking for advice, but support? It’s been an acrimonious divorce (a divorce that he wants, not acrimonious from my end - devastated at first but now the true colours are revealed I can’t get out quick enough), and he’s clearly very angry and bitter, and his attempts to financially control me are no longer working - but to move on to his own child - what a big man.
Thoughts / support / inspiration welcomed!

Sorry to hear this, I'm in a similar situation albeit have been divorced for 5 years. My daughter , now 14 is supposed to see her dad every Thursday alongside alternate weekends. She doesn't want to and each week comes up with an excuse, it's not fair on her or your daughter, mine uses emotional blackmail too. Good luck x

Mine says he will kill himself if he doesn't see the kids too the kids children services say its emotional abuse but it doesn't "meet threshold"

I'm so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it's something that seems to happen alot. My ex didn't like my 'tone' in a message to him and therefore refused to have the children that weekend. He messaged our upset son and said 'your mother needs to learn it's not a one way street'. He actually thought he was punishing me by not having the kids. I loved the fact I had extra time with them. The only people he was punishing was our innocent children who just didn't understand why he didn't want to see them. There are some vile parents out there who cannot put their children's feelings above their own. I too find it utterly exhausting constantly being the 'calm adult'. When I really want to say what an utterly horrible man their father is!

@Merrymermaid7, I’m sorry to hear you’re experiencing the same thing. Emotional blackmail on a child is the lowest. I spoke to the school today in a ‘pastoral support request’ capacity. They’ve suggested that my youngest and her father have a chat at school (neutral territory). My youngest was happy with that suggestion, although I am going to suggest her pastoral worker is present as a neutral independent party - given my NEx likes to disregard agreements made and I don’t want him to make my
daughter doubt herself by twisting her words.
Sending you big hugs. x

@Theunamedcat - that sounds absolutely mental - why on earth wouldn’t that Meath the threshold of abuse! It’s emotional abuse of a minor! Good grief it beggars belief. I feel for you xx

@Strongerthanyouthink - well done on being the calm one. I get you, it’s exhausting but I have gotten through this thus far with my head held eye even if - like you - I’d like to be raging about their Dad to them. I know it’ll come out in the end and he’ll reveal his true self. He is already.
My youngest was asked by a school pastoral worker today whether ‘it was her Dad’s way or not at all’ - she replied ‘yes’. I’m shocked, as I didn’t think she thought that about him. But he’s showing himself in such a negative light to them and he can’t even see it.

Like you, I love the extra time with them, and last night when he refused to take the youngest, j thought - great for me, more time with her. Maybe he thinks it’s a punishment or inconvenience for me? Not at all. I’m the one they’re spending time with and our relationship will be all the stronger for it.

Sending you huge positive and calm vibes xx

Thank you and I hope it works out for you and your daughter, I don't think people realise how important it is that children aren't used as collateral damage which they often are without any consideration for their welfare and emotional health. Good luck to you xx

My ds about 10 yo told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved him. Our relationship never recovered from the damage my ex was determined to cause...
Younger dc went nc with him once they were able to mentally and were physically able to stop their df assaulting them.
12 and 14

It is so sad to see how some people do not care about their kids at all and their feelings. My ex only ever cares about himself, our kids are there not for him to parent, love and care for but to entertain him. When we talked to the mediator he said all he wanted to talk about was money and the kids can come "whenever they want to". I was honestly embarrassed in front of that mediator. The most important thing for me was to keep the kids, to stay with them in the house, I did not care about anything else.

It turns out however, they they cannot really "come whenever they want". He told them to come Sunday nights, he makes them pizza and watches movie with them. Our kids are grown up, 23, 19 and 17. They have school and work and cannot accommodate this every time, they are also bored spending 3-4 hours every Sunday at his house watching movies. He could not care less. He gets upset if they cannot make it. Once my older daughter fell asleep and he "sent her home" to me. My youngest had homework to do and I told her to take it to his house to finish. He got so upset with her and did not let her do it, so she went to school the next day without homework. He treats them like guests that are there for his entertainment. He literally does not do anything useful for them, but mind you, this was the same when he was here.