Unsure what to do

[Dad2017]

Looking for some advice

Ive been in a practically sexless marraige for about 5 years. We are married with 2 kids. I do all the cooking, im a great dad and im the bread winner. I spoke to my wife recently about sex and stated how important it is but she said she cant help having a lower libido than me but this has been going on for so long and got very defensive and said thats all i think about which it isnt as to me it means a deeper emotional connection. Ive tried everything from massages to doing loads more around the house but it doesnt make any difference. Its the same excuses i.e im tired, headache, kids are to much pressure etc. When we do have sex there is no foreplay and it feels rigid. She never ever tells me i look nice/sexy and feels like im just there to provide support and be an assistant. I cannot fault her as a mother as she is absolutely incredible as that and is very organised. If i try to organise anything it usually goes badly and she is quick to tell me. She will focus alot more on the negative things i do rather than the positive. After our last disscusion i told her i felt ugly but got no response. I get told i should go to couples counselling but i dont see if this will help as if i approach her with anything like this she will go on the defense. The only thing that stops me leaving is dreading not seeing my kids everyday. They are my world and i love them so much. Has anyone else been through the same. Only thing i can see next is to try a trial seperation?

Just to advice, i have never been unfaithful and been a very dedicated husband but maybe to subservient

Sounds similar to my situation - only difference is that I'm the mother but also had been in a sexless marriage for years which I think it was mostly due to our awful communication and also we are very different people.

Agree with the fears of not seeing kids, that was my biggest fear too and it was a long and difficult process.

At the end we manage to work out arrangements to allow us both to see our son equally and I feel better about it. Planning to move to new house early next month and hope we will all be ok, but no regrets about the marriage as the feeling of not being wanted was very damaging to me.

Good luck x

Do you love her? You haven't mentioned that.
How old are your children?
Do you still do all the other things that you expected to get rewarded with by sex or have you stopped when it didn't work? I can honestly say I've never looked at a household chore being done and thought "wow now I want sex". I'm hoping you aren't one of these that says "look I cleaned the bathroom for you". Have a Google for "I don't help my wife article" it's a good and short read and who knows, maybe it might resound with you more than you think.

For now, I think you need to take sex as your end game off the table. I went through this with my ex. I did majority childcare, house work as well as working a stressful job on shifts. I'd go to bed to sleep and he'd suddenly want to try it on - it would piss me off as I was completely shattered and he seemed to pay no other attention to me unless he decided he wanted sex. We talked about it and I said I wanted intimacy and he seemed to think snogging me before trying to get his leg over was intimate enough - wrong. I meant things like a quick unexpected kiss on the cheek whilst I prepping something in the kitchen because he just felt like it, hand holding, just cuddling up on the sofa without expectation that it would lead somewhere. If she has said yes to couples counselling - go for it - they can help with sex issues and help you rebuild you relationship if that's what you both want.

I know I might sound a bit blunt and a bit rude, but your comment that you felt ugly sounded like you were fishing for a compliment. Do you compliment her in the same way you want to be complimented? It is a two way street.

Doing chores and giving massages wouldn’t inspire me to want sex. Showing an interest, talking - more deeply than how was your day - building connection all are much more important. It’s said that men need sex for intimacy whereas women need intimacy for sex, so think about how you build intimacy.

In saying that, it’s been 5 years, you don’t say how much of that has been without sex, but I’d be considering it’s very hard to rebuild a meaningful sexual life the longer it goes on. I’m leaving a long term sexless marriage and wish I had done it a long time ago.

If you are/feel subservient, it sounds like an imbalance there. I wondered for a moment whether you were my husband, our situations are similar in many respects. I’m sorry to say I don’t feel attracted to my partner anymore and it may have something to do with the way the power balance feels off. He worships me and does lots around the house and with the kids but I wear the trousers. If I’m honest I am tired of being that person who is always in charge. Not sure if that is why the sexual side of our relationship isn’t working though. We are great friends and make a great team but I wonder if there is much more than that left. We’re 15 years down the line though.

I am in a sexless marriage too, but as I’ve hit peri menopause I’m happy with that now. But I wasn’t always.
I would say that you only have one life, you are entitled to have a sex life and have someone love you, so go for it.
It may be that your wife will be glad if you make the move.

Sorry i havent responded to this, things have been crazy leading upto christmas.

To fill in more of the background of this. I dont just expect sex whenever i want it and i dont just do chores to try and get sex. I always make an effort in everything we do, i tell her alot i love her and how pretty she is, i make her feel special when i can and again this is not for sex, i just enjoy her being happy.

After my original post i did speak to her about it and mention i find it really difficult and she didnt know what to say, i said i just want us to talk about it more openly and the only answer i got was that we have been together a long time and she doesnt want it as much as me. She did cry after as she was worried i wanted to leave and she said she is happy with the way things are so i cuddled her and said we will work on things. Since then i make more of an effort to kiss her and hold her hand, talk to her more but again in a very short time things go back to normal. She has not brought anything up and if im honest i dont think she would be bothered if we had sex again.

We are a bit of a missmatch sometimes as im more of an extrovert and she is an introvert so she never talks about feelings where as i would love to talk about everything with her but i have bevome mpre of an introvert because of this. I know i have my bad points like everyone does but i make alot of effort to make her feel loved with not really the same back.

@PurpleNebula84 in regards to your comments hopefully i have answered them. The reason i would like a response back when i say im ugly is because thats how i feel. As ive been rejected in the past with her and i compliment her soo much its like saying if you were in that situation would you not expect one little compliment after all the years of providing them.

I think the next step i can see is if i can get her to tell me honestly the reason why i.e is she asexual, no desire anymore etc and see where we go from there but for me it is really tough as i really fancy and love her and the togetherness in sex would bond us more rather than life being me wishing we could have this life but with sex every so often so we feel more connected rather than just being what feels like co parenting

She wants to stay as you are. Do you ?
It’s very simple, you put up or move on.

There is a similar thread with a woman in your position and the replies have all been supportive of her leaving. Hope to see the same here?

Could you say how old you are? Are there any specific issues that might be relevant -- such as medication, key life events?

If not, tough situation. Sadly often does come down to one of

• break up
• affairs
• tolerate the situation.

Hi @waterspider sorry for the delay on getting back.

I'm in my early 40's and I feel that it has come down to wanting different things in our life. My wife is content just being at home with the kids which is fine but I'm quite social so I try to encourage her to come out and we can get a baby sitter but she's not really bothered. I absolutely love being with the kids but I also like separate time to socialise so alot of the time I end up going out with my friends (which isnt that often). I encourage her to do the same but she isn't bothered.

I haven't always felt like this but feel more and more I've changed to have more of a balance in life rather than it only being about kids and bills.

We did go out recently as I just booked a babysitter and said we are going out to meet friends. They were really late and she decided she wanted to go home after 45 mins. Its really hard as it's nice seeing her happy but I feel like I can't be my true self half the time and we are just in a constant loop. Also I'm spontaneous and she is very organised so if I suggest anything it usually has to be planned well in advance.