Hi
Just need to get this out really as I don't have many friends and I'm not quite ready to open up to my family about whats been going on.
After a volatile 4 years (the last 2 being the worst) I have decided to split from my fiancé. It has literally been the year from hell and I've been close to a breakdown. I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our second child and our first is only 2.
We have many problems in the relationship and argue/threaten to breakup every 2-3 months but we never actually have and always tried to work through it. I organised for us to attend couples counselling and the Counsellor herself didn't even really know what to say as we argued the entire hour! We ended up not going back after 6 sessions - my decision as we were just constantly going over previous arguments and not getting anywhere, leaving the place and not speaking for days. I have doubts as to whether the Counsellor should have intervened a bit more and refocused us.
There is a 9 year age gap, he has previously been married (wife left him, together 10 years. Split because she decided she didn't want kids after 2 miscarriages and he did). I met him 3 months after they split and we got pregnant within the year - all planned. We had a whirlwind romance and were head over heels - I was so sure he was the one.
When I got pregnant with our 1st DS, I took antenatal then postnatal depression. He was just ok support wise, told me to eat better and go for a run. I knew deep down I needed antidepressants and left it 18 months before I sought help. He does not understand mental health, he was born into a family who don't talk about their feelings and its very much a stiff upper lip. My family are the complete opposite. I felt very alone and like I was cracking up.
We argued badly throughout my first pregnancy (all of 2019) and ever since. I came off antidepressants as we got pregnant at the start of this year (planned - he really wanted another child) and my moods and behaviour have been erratic. This year, my behaviour in the arguments has gotten worse in that I've lost control and thrown objects and pushed/shoved. Its happened on 2-3 occasions. I feel like each argument has been like a mini breakdown for me. I was advised to go back on antidepressants whilst pregnant but refused - we both made a joint decision to see the pregnancy out and go on them as soon as this baby is born at the end of the month.
We have both said the worst of the worst to one another in our arguments but he has never been physical like I have. Somehow, we always come to the conclusion we still love each-other and want to work through it. Things are fine for a while then we have another blow up.
I do believe he gas lights me - he would tell me I don't remember details/situations correctly and that how I feel about anything isn't reality and that I make things up in my own head. I used to journal our arguments straight after so I'd "remember" exactly what was said as I started believing he was right. Crazy, I know.
When I have been physical its been on the back of a snide comment e.g. "you're schizophrenic, what are you going to do - throw something" He does ghode me but I know it is absolutely no excuse for my behaviour and I am ashamed of what I've become.I even asked the Doctor to refer me to a physiatrist - who just believed I had depression and nothing else. Only had the 1 appointment.
He is someone rooted in the past who cannot let go of things. He would tell you he wants revenge for things that happened to him in primary school! Therefore he keeps holding onto our arguments and can never really forgive and move on and will bring up things from 2-3 years ago when we are arguing. Im the opposite- I like to draw a line and forget about it, knowing it was all heat of the moment. Anything he has ever done or said is almost forgiven instantly with me, and its never changed my view of him as person.
He speaks to me really badly (always has) which he acknowledges and keeps saying he will change but never does. He has a superior manner and believes he is always right. He also thinks Im a bit stupid/chavy. His ex was some award winning genius and I have always felt compared and not good enough.
When I'm upset, he will ignore me. If I leave the room hysterically crying, he will rarely come after me. I would never leave him like that.
I would bend over backwards for him and he will only give so much. Ive been told I need to be more assertive and ask him to do things but I don't feel like I should have to ask. I feel like Im living in a house with him being some type of Master and we both feel on egg shells all the time. Its his house but I pay half of everything - Ive a good job and never depended financially on him.
I do everything around the house and try to lighten his load as much as possible when it comes to our toddler but don't get the same back.
He is a great Dad and he loves our son but is very impatient. Our son doesn't speak much yet (26 months) and he would say things like he thinks he's autistic or theres something wrong with him which really annoys me. I think he has found to hard to adjust to family life (9 year age gap between us - he's 43 and lived the high life/care free life until 41). Sometimes I feel he likes the idea of a family but not the practicalities and he gets easily stressed.
In times of adversity, we do not draw strength from each-other and turn in on one another when anything bad outside of our control happens. He does not know how to comfort me and will say things like "get your shit together" if I'm upset.
The relationship is exceptionally tough, its a lot of work, we don't have a lot in common and we never laugh (not got same sense of humour) Despite everything, I do love him and want it to work but don't know if I'm flogging a dead horse. I also want to stay for the kids. He wants us to make another go of it (again) and I've said No although not sure how much I mean that.
I need to continue living in his house (albeit I've ploughed money into it and turned it around to make it a home single handedly) until the baby is settled and sleeping through (say March next year). I can't find anywhere to rent and I'm about to go on maternity leave from work. Staying with family isn't an option either. We have agreed to live separately in the same house and split childcare etc. Its townhouse with 3 floors so could be done.
Can this sort of scenario ever work short term. Im worried about the impact of a new baby/sleep deprivation etc and living like this. Should I give it one last go for the kids - am I being selfish/rash? Can you ever come back from this.
It breaks my heart to think our family will not be together and this new little baby is being born into this mess.
TIA