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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

No cooperation about finances

11 replies

divorcinganddesperate · 01/11/2021 14:04

I got my decree absolute 2.5 months ago. My ex wife is living in the family home with a person who she cheated on me with for the last 3 years. The house is in my sole name, and every penny of the equity was contributed by me. My ex wife has never worked since she met me. I have moved out of the family home because my ex wife called the police on me and falsely accused me of coercive and controlling behaviour, in order to get me out of the house and move her boyfriend in. She called the police on me 3 weeks after I discovered her adultery, and moved her boyfriend in almost immediately after. She must be the only person in the world who is in a coercive and controlling relationship and manages to keep up an extramarital affair for 2 years without her husband finding out!

She has not replied to 2 solicitor's letters asking for financial disclosure. I am desperate to sell the house and split the equity.

What can I do? I asked the solicitor and they said the only option is court.

How long will this take? I can't handle another year of this divorce dragging on! I am desperate to earn some money and recover financially from this disaster of a marriage. 10 years with a wife who never worked, and cheated constantly.

I am now 36 and will be poorer than I was when I was 26, after 10 years of working like a slave, the last 3 years of it financing my ex wife and her new boyfriend, while my wife never worked at all!

Why does the law not take conduct into account? My ex wife has behaved atrociously throughout the marriage and divorce, from adultery, to spending all the money on one or more affairs, to refusing to work, and calling the police on me, and now refusing to provide financial disclosure. Is there any chance that a court would take any of this bad behaviour into account at all, or do I still have to give her half my assets?

I feel that my entire life has been ruined by the actions of one person. But now I am officially divorced, how can she continue to ruin my life further? Clearly she is incentivised not to reply to the solicitor, because the longer she makes it drag on, the more money she can suck out of me.

The law seems to be stuck in the 1950s ideal of a breadwinner and a stay at home wife. But if you are a hard worker married to a non-contributing and lazy person, there seems to be no way whatsoever to escape and be free. I am already more than 1 year into this process and still getting nowhere because she obstructs everything, because she can continue to take advantage of me.

Can't we petition parliament for a reform of the law? How can somebody be allowed to shamelessly sponge off another human being? Why is bad conduct not taken into account? Nearly 1 year after discovering the adultery and trying to divorce her as fast as possible, I am still funding her AND THE PERSON SHE CHEATED ON ME WITH!!!!! And I have no way to escape!

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divorcinganddesperate · 01/11/2021 14:13

In other words, my question is: when one side does not cooperate, how long does it take to resolve the finances? Do I need to do the Form E just for the date of the decree absolute, or keep doing a new financial declaration until it actually gets to court? When am I free to start saving money?

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Strongerthanyouthink · 01/11/2021 15:47

Firstly, as hard as this sounds, mentally move on from what is and isn't emotionally fair. You can't win that one I'm afraid. Finances won't take into account behaviour, so separate that thought.
Secondly, do you have children?
Thirdly, did she get a court order do have you removed, or are there bail conditions preventing you from living there?
Lastly, your solicitor is probably right, take it to court....
Good luck and sorry you are having a dreadful time.

Strongerthanyouthink · 01/11/2021 15:50

Also, who is paying the mortgage, Bill's etc ... now....?

divorcinganddesperate · 01/11/2021 16:13

no there was no court order to get me removed and I have not been found guilty, bailed, or charged with anything. The police arrested me, spoke to me for 15 minutes, seemed pretty convinced that she was making it up, but still advised me not to return to my house in order to keep the peace. My solicitor said that what she was accusing me of was completely ridiculous and the police see it all the time, but also advised me not to go back, because when I returned she repeatedly called 999 and the last policeman I spoke to said that since it was her making the 999 calls, I would be the one to be arrested next time, rather than her. The solicitor told me that there is no penalty for making false allegations and the police rarely prosecute for wasting police time because they don't want to discourage any abused women from coming forward.

Regarding children, we have 2 children and I have both of them living with me in my parents' house the majority of the time. My ex wife does not want to look after them as she prioritises her new(ish) boyfriend.

I am paying the mortgage as it's in my name, and the house is in my sole name, but I have passed all other bills to her. Who knows whether she is actually paying the bills. My bank account is more than £5000 overdrawn and I have put bills on credit cards. I am barely working because I am looking after my children. What little I do earn is financing my ex wife and boyfriend's lifestyle.

So given that she doesn't reply to messages or solicitors' letters, how much longer can this drag out? I can't handle the idea of wasting yet another year of my life.

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Kangaruby · 01/11/2021 16:24

Think court seems the best bet, my partner split up 10 years ago with his ex and financials still not sorted, court is where it is heading. Once someone has moved out of the house the incentive for the other to progress decreases greatly.

MintJulia · 01/11/2021 16:30

What is preventing you from organising child care and going back to work.

As a single parent you will have to do this anyway so why wait? Are your children ok in their new temporary home.
I'd instruct your solicitor to go to court as soon as possible.

NotPersephone · 01/11/2021 16:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Strongerthanyouthink · 01/11/2021 19:33

I think as there have been accusations of abuse you can go straight to court rather than mediation first. I would be instructing my solicitor to get a court date sorted. This will force the process.
You said you are funding her lifestyle. Stop! You only need to pay the mortgage so that your credit isn't affected. Surely you aren't giving her money for anything else?
Are you claiming child benefit? Are you entitled to any other benefits? Worth checking.
As someone else stated, start your life now. Get childcare and work sorted. Don't wait for your divorce finances to be sorted first, you're probably in for a long ride, your life can start now.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 01/11/2021 19:46

If the house is in your name can you sell it?

Probably a massive legal web to get through to ensure they both leave, but you'd also need to do the financial bit first.

One last time to respond, then court.

Apply for cb, uc and cms, tomorrow. It sounds like she's never going to play nicely so don't waste any more money trying to be amicable.

Lemons99 · 01/11/2021 20:06

If you have the decree absolute, she must have lost matrimonial house rights.

Maybe evict them or just change the locks and sell the house as it's in your name and the children are living with you most of the time. Your money is better spent on dealing with this at the moment.

Don't give her a penny of the proceedings once sold, then let her start finance proceedings if she wants to.

divorcinganddesperate · 02/11/2021 12:14

The solicitor said that because I earn more than her, if I were to just put the house for sale without proper consultation, it could look financially abusive, and for that reason we have to go through the farce of sending a load of letters.

Although it doesn't seem to make sense that I would need to take her to court to sell it.

Does anybody know, if this drags on for another year, does she have the right to 50% of my earnings until it's resolved, given that I already have the decree absolute?

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