Stbx playing the victim

[CosmicUnicorn]

Hi,
I ended a long, sexless marriage earlier this year and my stbx was oblivious to why I’d done it and thought I was being ‘silly’ and had lost the plot. Believe me, I had been thinking about it for a long time. Our marriage wasn’t a marriage. Reasons…

1. I wasn’t attracted to him so no sex life for over a decade
2. He was emotionally cold and never complimented me or held my hand etc.
3. He criticised me
4. We has little in common with a big age gap Etc. Anyway, he has convinced our eldest (17) that I’m selfish and I was the one who split the family up so he has moved out to be with his dad! He feels sorry for him! The blame us entirely at my feet. How do I turn things around? I can’t tell a 17 year old I wasn’t attracted to his dad and lived in a sexless marriage for years.

Do you see your 17 year old and pay maintenance for him?

He was with me and he pops over every few days. No, but his dad wasn’t paying towards either child when they were both with me. Tbh, I’m still paying for his school costs and clothes etc.

You son has decided to live with his father and that’s a decision you need to respect. I don’t understand why you think his reasons are about the problems you had in your marriage. Telling your 17 year old son about your lack of sexual interest in his father isn’t going to solve anything. It’s not his problem from any perspective.

Your son is not an extension of you or your ex. He is his own person and his choices need to be respected not challenged.

At 17 chances are he'd be moving on in a year or so to go to college or work and move out of home. If he chooses to live with his dad then let him. You just need to tell him that you don't love his dad as a husband anymore and that there is no sense staying in a marriage like that. Tell him that you and your ex deserve better than that. At 17 he needs to understand that many marriages break up for similar reasons and thats just life. After that it's up to your 17 year old to decide if he's going to take sides or if hes going to be respectful of both parents and continue a relationship with you both without laying blame. Right now his dad is being pathetic and not taking any responsibility for the break up but I wouldn't get into the lack of sex.

Tbh, I’m still paying for his school costs and clothes etc.

Yes. But does this add up to 15% of your salary? Because that it what you would usually have to pay the resident parent for one child.

It's good that he comes to see you every few days. Keep that relationship open - one day he will see the truth but teenagers can be very fickle. Just focus on building a good strong relationship with him yourself, don't say negative things about his dad - he'll see things how they really are when he's older.