Please help me!!! I am desperately after some advice, guidance and help.
This is a long one so if you bear with me and offer some advice - thank you!
My H and I have been married nearly 5 years and together 12years. We have 3 lovely children (2xDs 1xS) who I’m very concerned are getting damaged by the horrendous toxic environment…
We have been unhappy for a while and have been through some challenging times (my mother suffering BC, myself being made redundant just before telling my employers I was expecting (no.3), financial strain due to lockdown and myself stressed with all of the above whilst home schooling during lockdown, with a toddler, difficult pregnancy and ZERO help from H).
The marriage has really broken down (we’ve had ups and downs previously but I’ve never felt this, like it’s beyond repair). Ultimately, he doesn’t want to be around me, do anything with me, or even be in the same rooms as me. His actions are a proven fact of this. He sleeps in a different room, either choosing a mattress on the floor of one child’s room (said child doesn’t sleep well, but I feel this is made worse by H sleeping in child’s room), or sleeps in other child’s room in bed. We had a spare bed up for a while (for a family member who stayed for a few weeks) and he chose to sleep in that too, before and after them, while available. He takes himself to bed at 8-8.30pm every evening, going to bed when he puts one of the children to bed (never the baby). The only time he stays up past this time is if he goes out to the pub with his friends or if he goes to play sports.
There is no affection, no sex, and he is not interested in spending any time alone with me (apart from ignoring me every single evening) on the few occasions we have gone out for dinner, he invites someone else to join. We have gone out for lunch with the children twice in 6 months and he spends the whole time talking to them or on his phone, despite my desperate attempts to initiate conversation. He never communicates with me, he just comes in and out of the house as he pleases. Telling me he’s playing sports tonight or tomorrow big he. He says if I want to go out it has to be on x night, as he has plans on a, b, c etc.
He will often eat in a different room or ask me to, and at times tries to get me to eat upstairs. He tries to get me to “lie in” in the mornings so he basically feels less guilty about me being downstairs every evening, tidying, cleaning, ironing, making packed lunches etc while he is asleep.
He doesn’t hold any conversations with me,
So I never know any family news, or what’s going on with work, or just anything. When I ask he says I’m controlling.
Every weekend he goes out to play sport each day and helps with the kids either side. But we never do Anything as a family.
He is always on his phones (work and private) and will neglect to make eye contact with myself or the children when on his phone. He rarely answers my calls or texts.
Aside from feeling totally alone, whilst living together, and emotionally and physically neglected, we are also on complete different parenting paths.
I have become the “Badie” the one who insists on rules. He lets them watch what they want, gives them devices all day long - I mean endless hours of YouTube (despite always questioning what I do with them and saying I’m not stimulating them enough), he doesn’t play or interact with them for more than an hour of the day, he gives them lunch at say 10.30am because he is making breakfast for himself and he doesn’t want to make food twice in one day, he will give them the same dinner every night, he will play hide and seek just before bed, which stops my S going to sleep because the Ds are screaming, playing with daddy. When I ask for this not to happen and explain daily that bath time and thereafter is about winding down before bedtime, I get told “they’re having fun”, ultimately implying I am the fun police. He will give them chocolate and sweets and ice cream all day long (no exaggeration at all). Even spoonfuls of Nutella to the toddler every morning 
I am the one that does the homework and the reading with the eldest, I even taught her to ride a bike, because he couldn’t be bothered “it was too hard”, he actually went to the pub, while I taught D with a toddler and baby in tow. Everything I say no to, H says yes to. On top of this he will often make the children stay up late so he can goto bed with them. He used to keep the eldest (7yrs) up until 10-10.30pm so he could go to bed when putting D to bed. I have tried my absolute best to put a stop to these late nights, hence why it is now 9.30pm, which I still feel is too late.
There’s so much more. But the result is a really unhappy wife, and an unhappy home, with lots of arguing as I just feel like a total doormat. I have tried talking, he doesn’t listen, I try screaming he doesn’t listen, so I say nothing. But I’m back to screaming/arguing which is so unhealthy for me and the children.
I’ve told him I’m unhappy, and he always has an excuse: “children are hard, it’s a difficult age, we should of never had 3 kids,
3 kids have destroyed us, lockdowns been hard, covid has been difficult, I’m tired etc etc”. But the actions are always the same. He said he would make marriage counselling appointment, but months later still hasn’t, apparently he doesn’t have time. But he does have time to play sports for 1-2hrs a day every day, get his hair cut, meet his friend for coffee, spend 4 hours with his mum etc etc. He says he needs his own time, his job is stressful. But he has still not made any effort to fix any of the issues outlined above. He just tells me “we’re really different people and we have really different parenting”
So I have said we should separate. He tells me that’s stupid, that I have nothing, that I have nothing without him, that I can’t support myself, (I’m a SAHM until Feb when I plan to find a job), and worse that I couldn’t cope with the 3 on my own (even though I do everyday. He tells me I’m annal and difficult, that I need to smile and lighten up. The problem is I just feel I can’t lighten up, because I pick everything up that he doesn’t do. I basically feel like an unpaid nanny. There to look after the children at his beck and call.
I have asked him to leave and he refuses. He tells me It’s his home, why should he leave. I actually put the same amount of deposit in and have worked on and off (he usually tells me I need to work as the money isn’t coming in (he is in sales), and then when I work full time, tells me, it’s not working, it’s too hard, I need to stop working. He also says that He has nowhere to go (even though he has family locally with lots of room). I’ve asked for a trial separation and he just says we need to work on things.
So where do I go from here? I feel like it’s fully run it’s course, but am I giving up to easily? How can I stop this damaging the children? Their behaviour is already changing 
. If we separate, How can I survive financially? I couldn’t afford to keep the house, I won’t be able to even pay the nursery fees, but I will have money from the house sale, which I think means I am not entitled to much help from the government. He has already told me not to expect him to help. I keep trying to call CABS, but he works from a cafe or home, and when he’s out he comes home all the time, so I can never guarantee a time without a child or him in earshot.
Any advice and guidance is really appreciated.