How to broach separation with young child

[SleepingBunnies21]

I've asked this on the Relationships forum but had no replies so I thought I'd try here.

How did you broach separation with a young (4, but very aware) child.

I have no advice but am in the same boat and would like to hear some thoughts on this, so just know that you're absolutely not alone OP.

Try to keep the little one out of it but obviously still let them know that they will be seeing daddy but won't be at home

My partner and I separated a few weeks ago. We were together for 7 years and have a 6 year old.

We made plans for how we were going to move forward as co-parents, who DS was going to stay with and when, plans to video call the other on nights they weren’t there, school pickups etc, and how it was going to work and then sat down and explained it as best we could together without bringing anything negative into it.
DS took it a lot better than we expected, but I think it’s because of how much planning/preparation we put into the conversation before it happened.

Thankfully our split was pretty amicable, although still painful on both sides. We still meet up as friends and have family dinners once a week etc to make things as easy as possible on our DS.

My youngest has adapted really well so far. He understands that daddy lives elsewhere but not why, I didn't try to explain the why to him. He speaks to Daddy everyday on the phone, and sees him a couple of times a week and he often has dinner with us one night a week to try to make it a smoother transition for the kids. I think sometimes the younger ones find it easier and are more accepting without questioning why.

Thanks for your replies.

I see people just didnt say why they were separating/wouldn't be living together; I suppose I thought I had to say something/explain, and that might be a fallacy.

Maybe I should just stick to basic arrangements.

The whole facilitating phone calls every night, video calls (presumably), dinners together rtc is hard to imagine. Maybe the calls, but the dinners/meetings; no way.

@SleepingBunnies21

The whole facilitating phone calls every night, video calls (presumably), dinners together rtc is hard to imagine. Maybe the calls, but the dinners/meetings; no way.

I suppose it depends how amicable you and your ex are. At the moment we are amicable so are all still spending a lot of time together, but we are about to start sorting out our finances etc and negotiating so I'm sure things won't be this amicable for long.

@SleepingBunnies21

The whole facilitating phone calls every night, video calls (presumably), dinners together rtc is hard to imagine. Maybe the calls, but the dinners/meetings; no way.

That's makes me think it's acrimonious. Which is complicated. The most important thing is to remember your child needs to know everything will be fine and the adults are in control and caring.

Hello OP, I just separated but I have three grown kids, so not in the same boat, however talked a lot to my therapist about it and she told me this. Short and sweet is best, tell them only the facts, DO NOT go into why you are separating as this may end up being a blame game, it is good if you already have plans for after so that you can tell them, always tell them it is not their fault and that you both love them.

So it should be something like this:

1. mom and dad decided not to live together any more
2. this has nothing to do with you
3. we love you very, very much
4. you will be living with mom/you will be living in both mom and dad's house

Your child is young and may not ask any questions. Mine, being older did so it was hard not to give them any details but I basically said, dad and I have had some differences that we tried to work out but could not. It did not help that my ex said, he had no idea what is going on and had nothing to do with the breakup.

Yes, very important to stay calm and composed, kids/people pick up on other peoples feelings. If you think this is a "disaster", you are turning her life "upside-down" she will feel the same. Try, no matter how hard this is, to act as if this is not end of the world kind of situation. Sure things are changing and will be chaotic and painful for a while but soon this will become your new normal and life will go on.

Yup kids take their emotional lead from parents - probably mum.

Ours was a reasonably amicable split, so while family dinners are a little weird right now, they’re not unpleasant. I do understand that this wouldn’t be an option in many situations.

As to the why, we explained that mummy and daddy hadn’t been getting along very well and that we’d decided that we would get along better if we didn’t live together anymore.

We made DS aware that none of it had anything to do with him, and that we both love him very much and that will never change, but from now on he will be spending time at home with daddy and at mummy’s new home with me - something that was made a lot easier with the fact that my new place is a 2 minute walk from the family home.

That is so reassuring to read! We will probably be telling our DS6 over the next couple of weeks as new homes are finally nearly ready and I'm dreading it.

The comments about staying calm and not act like it is a tragedy are really helpful, will remember that!

Did anyone involve children in picking up their new room etc? Wondering if I tell him after the house is all ready, or before and take him there even while the place is empty and needs painting etc and get him involved in choosing things.

Any similar experiences? x