Divorce and Child Arrangments Blackmail - Help

[Jne1]

So the latest offering from my NEx is today’s email:
I have instructed my solicitor to write with the below, however in the interest of speed I am contacting you directly. I will only accept the offer on the matrimonial home if you agree to change the childcare arrangements (making them more disruptive for the children), you sign your agreement to that change, you stop your CMS claim and your claim for child benefit’.

I Forwarded straight to my solicitor as evidence of blackmail (he’s already been accused of doing all he can to prevent the sale of the house) - however it’s unbelievable that he would use the children as a means to profiteer. It’s not in their best interests. Would a solicitor actually follow such instruction? Surely divorce financials (ie sale of family homes) should be separate from childcare arrangements? I am at the end of my tether with this very nasty piece of work.

Well he’s stupid isn’t here. Don’t respond forward to your solicitor and let them deal with it.

Remember op that a solicitor will write whatever is requested of them.
I got one off exh demanding that I take my new blinds down as exh could not see in my windows
. Kinda the idea you fuckwit..
I ignored it of course.. And surprisingly no judge ordered that I remove them.

Hi, not quite understanding all of your post, but finances will have to be settled after the child arrangements are finalised if you are going to court over both. Once the child arrangements are agreed you can finalised the financial agreement.

In my experience a solicitor is being paid. I instructed mine to accept a 50/50 split despite the children he wouldn’t and didn’t offer anything - he just wanted it sold end of. I got it in the divorce in the end as he just wouldn’t play ball.

The financial settlement has no bearing on cms or child custody arrangements, he's probably aware of this hence not coming from his solicitor. Coming to an agreement through mediation for both child custody and the settlement is ideal but it appears highly unlikely in this case. Hope you have a decent lawyer @Jne1

Sorry not much context given - we are selling the former matrimonial home, and have had a good offer them at the Estate Agent strongly recommends we take. My NEx (who is living in rented) has said he will only accept the offer if I agree to his proposals, which are all all around the children.

We had already agreed the division of the equity in the house, which is unrelated to our arrangements for the children. He has become unhappy that I have contacted the CMS as despite my having them for 75% of the time, the NEx doesn’t feel he should pay maintenance at all.

Thanks @gogohm. I tried mediation for financial arrangements and child arrangements.
Agreements were made, written up by the mediator and then the NEx wouldn’t stick to them and wouldn’t agree for court orders to be drafted based on what was agreed via mediation. I entered in to mediation with a view of discussion / compromise, but unfortunately it’s been a large waste of time (and money). He then told me he wouldn’t attend any more sessions and wondered why I wasn’t ‘upset’ - because whatever we discussed / agreed he wouldn’t adhere to! M
Give me strength, it’s like he wants to stay connected / married to me! (He definitely doesn’t).

I completed my form E 3 times in preparation for us to discuss finances (with his agreement) and 3 times he refused at the last minute, trying to mix in the child arrangements as a form of blackmail. It was not in the children's best interests so I ended up having to take the court route. It sucks. Our children are not some sort of bargaining tool. So we're now in court for finances and child arrangements 😞

He wants you to stop your claim for child benefit??
How does that impact him exactly?

@Marmight - the original claim was in his name, but paid to my bank account - has been for the last 14 years. He seems under the misguided impression that he is entitled to half of the child benefit. So I wrote to Child Benefit people to ask for the claim to be transferred to my name officially, as is the case for for our youngest child. I can only guess that the NEx does not like thelosing of further control. It does not benefit him financially, as he has not ever received that money. He just doesn’t want me to receive it.

@Soopermum1, I am sorry to hear what you’re going through.
My Form E was completed once v thoroughly for mediation, his was completed in a back of a cigarette pack - incomplete and misleading.
I have feared court also for children and finances, but honestly now believe the formal process is the only way to deal with a bully.

@Soopermum1 - Thank you also - I also need to stand firm on the view that the children are not a bargaining chip - since the get go I have said they are people with feelings and not to be used to financially better ones own position.
The children’s best interests are what are at my core.

@Jne1
Sounds like you are well rid of him.
I assume that the children will reside with you for the majority of the time? The child benefit is yours to help with the cost of raising your children
Were you are full time SAHM at any point in the marriage as the child benefit claim in his name would have stopped you getting NI credits for that financial year.
A truly controlling arse of a man

Mmm he sounds a charmer. My understanding is that yes financial is separate from child arrangements. Your solicitor will advise.

If you're having the children 75% then it would be odd to change that arrangement and surely the Court would ask why he wants to change it....

I think you're right to use CMS regardless. You're entitled to do so. And child benefit stays with the resident parent I'm sure!

Mine tried to avoid CMS by telling me what he was giving me (incorrect, lower amount of course) and for ages I had no idea of his earnings so didn't challenge it. I've gone CMS regardless now as I'm fed up with him lying his way through proceedings.

What is it with these princes, I think they think they are funding some exotic lifestyle for us, whereas we're just trying to make sure our kids are fed and clothed....

Good luck

@Marmight - Thanks you’ve summed him up well! Yes the children reside with me the majority of the time, he has alternate weekends and two dinner visits, one of which has turned in to an overnight stay (when the CMS conversation was first bought up - he doesn’t think he should pay any maintenance). He is now pushing for more overnight stays, because CMS have been in touch and told him a figure he should pay.
If you timeline it, you can see any changes pushed are in response to money issues. He was quite happy with children arrangements when I wasn’t asking for money - because I was ‘paying for it all’.
Good point about the NI, I had Mat Leave but retuned straight to work after that for both children so believe I’m Ok on that front.

@comfortablyfrumpy
We don’t have a court order at present - the children are 14 and 12 - therefore old enough to make up their own minds but due to the controlling nature of their father are scared (in my view) to say No as he manipulates them by telling them he would have to pay less money out if they stayed with him. Unbelievable that he would cite figures to them - as a means of manipulation - and makes them share a bed as the house he has rented with his new lady isn’t large enough for all the children it needs to accommodate. Proximity to her children’s school and their dogs was the higher priority over space for my two girls.

I can deduce his salary based on where he works - and he did share a P60 via mediation, so I know how much he earned last tax year. I did offer an amount less than CMS quoted to avoid that process, but his stance was £40 is more than enough (for two children per month) - CMS figure is £420.
I am not out for money by any means, I would have accepted £200 for an easy life, but he lies, manipulates and gaslights. It’s not acceptable and what he is proposing is not in the best interests of the children.
Give me strength! I would just like to get divorced and move on - clearly the man wants to cling on for longer… goodness knows why - this is the divorce he wanted!!

Just ignor his letter.
Any judge would ignor it as well.
CMS is the best way to go, as men like this never pay up.

Do not accept anything less than the CMS quoted figure. It's a legal minimum amount unless another amount is agreed via court.
(This can revisited 12 months after the court agreement anyway via CMS)
As you said, you need to put the best interests of your children at the forefront of what you are trying to do and anything less will impact them.
Go straight to court as you will never win against this bully.

@Marmight

Do not accept anything less than the CMS quoted figure. It's a legal minimum amount unless another amount is agreed via court. (This can revisited 12 months after the court agreement anyway via CMS) As you said, you need to put the best interests of your children at the forefront of what you are trying to do and anything less will impact them. Go straight to court as you will never win against this bully.

As above. From what you've said, I can't see it being worked out in the children's best interests unless you go the court route.

£40, he's having a giraffe!

Good luck !

Awful. I'd play him at his game and say if he doesn't agree to the sale you will go ahead and refer to CMS, you can provide him with an estimate of their figure if you like!
Just for info, if ex is anything like mine he will refuse to contribute towards absolutely anything as 'I give you money' and will try to manipulate CMS and anyone who will listen with sob stories of his 'massive mortgage' (not their, or your problem), move to a lower paying job in the hope this will help, attempt to persuade the children to go 50:50 etc etc.

@Twillow - thank you. He has already started on the children about how (and I quote) evening up the numbe of nights they spend between him and I will give him more money to spend. My youngest told me he was quoting all the figures and both and her sister. Sounded disgusting to me that he would try and make them feel like they should divide their time to suit his wallet, rather than what is best for them.
Oh yes, he has also threatened to take me via tribunal, make counter claims against me (CSM told me that when I send he was abusive in terms of trying to financially control me). So I expect a rocky ride. I think he must ne using Google or some kind of forum for his legal advice, as he seems to think he can challenge every single process and then cites ‘the legal advice he is getting’. Attempts to threaten and control I tell myself. Hence now actually wanting to use CSM as at least it means someone else has to deal with him!

It's so grim, isn't it? I have struggled so much, worked no end of extra shifts, moved house 3 times due to rental instability and yet he is still fussing over how to maintain his 5 bed home where he lives on his own, aside from the few days his child visits.
I'm still not sure if his motive is purely selfish or down resentment over 'giving me money'. Either way, the end result is bad for the children involved.
Make sure you record all dates, have doctor and dentist at your address, keep (email is fine) receipts of all clothes/equipment, even pocket money for your children. All evidence for any counter claim.
It's very tempting to reply to the pathetic messages from ex, but grey rock best.

He is going to have to pay, and letting him do it legally is the best way, so what if he doesn't like it.
As to your children at that ages if they want to miss a few visits due to his nastiness, then the only person who loses is him.