Evaluating separation options as the breadwinner

[jack0121]

Hi. Apologies in advance for length - I need some advice on the logistics of separating when unmarried.

I'm a father of two boys - 8 and 2 years old. My partner and I have been together for 9 years, and we're not married. Our first was an oops baby. We've both always known that we are together for the children and probably wouldn't have stayed together otherwise. I've tried to make the best of it but for numerous reasons I feel we've reached the end of the road. We've tried individual and couples therapy.

I work in the city and earn six figures. Our house is in my name, and we have at least £200k of equity. We're very comfortable financially though this wasn't always the case. My partner has never worked throughout our time together. She was a nanny when we met. I supported her through a university degree which involved having to move companies to get a pay rise to afford the childcare. She has never shown any interest in getting work and contributing economically after completing the degree. She is from Lithuania and her level of written English is very poor. Spoken English is fine. Her knowledge of the UK benefits system and bureaucracy is non-existent.

I'm really struggling with how it would work if we were to separate. All the options seem sub-optimal.

Some options:

1. I sell house and downsize and she rents privately. I would probably have to act as guarantor in order to get a Landlord to agree. Then it's on her to get what she is entitled to from Universal Credit which from the calculators would be roughly £1800 per month including housing benefit. Rent would be £1250 for a two bed flat. She would get £1000+ per month from me in child support. So it's not catastrophic financially but certainly the job centre are going to be on to her about working and I worry how she will respond and cope with this.

1. I sell the house and I buy a flat for me and a flat for my partner and children. This would be just about do-able but it would massively reduce the amount of Universal Credit she gets and I would only be able afford £500 per month in child support + mortgage for the property they live in which would be about £600 per month.

1. I move out and partner and children stay. I leave the family home and live in a room in a shared house. This would be just about affordable for me but I wouldn't be able to build a life for myself. This seems rather sacrificial on my part but has the least impact on the kids. I think she would be able to get some benefits once it's proven I am no longer resident.

1. Sell the house and give her £100k+ and wish her all the best. In this scenario she gets no benefits and therefore no income unless she gets a job. Renting privately would mean that money would last 3 years. My concern is she burns though the money and ends up claiming Universal Credit and this seems like a waste of £100k which I could have held on to for the kids.

I'd be very grateful for the perspective of mums who have been full time mothers and separated. Particularly those who are unmarried. What is fair? What should I be providing? Are there other options that I'm missing? How can I ensure that the children are well provided for but at the same time ween my partner of being dependent on me financially?

Well the equity is yours not hers although I think she could try to make a claim to stay while children are young despite not being married ( not sure if likely to be successful?)

If she was a Nanny before why can’t she return to that ?
She is going to need to look to be financially independent from you apart from child maintenance - what’s her plan re work now and in future ?

It’s good you are considering options and want to ensure your kids are provided for but also think about what happens when you’ve sold your house and given half / bought flat for her / etc and she moves a man in…. Who is now living with your kids in a property you funded….

I think you need to have a plan for longer term

I think you need to think about how much child care will cost her as I presume you work long hours and won't be there to pick older ones up from school / take to school ? Also 2 year old full time Nursery in London will be 💰so therefore wipe out her wages. However if she claims UC she will get 85% towards this.
If she goes back to being a nanny is this going to fit in with her childcare?
Is there a risk she may want to take the children and go home? Don't want to open that can of worms.
Is the house in joint names?
The judge will always consider the needs of the children first and the roof over their heads.
She defo needs to get a job but the childcare issue needs to be thought about. If you have the kids two nights a week you will be responsible for the collection and pickup albeit yourself or you pay for childcare

Sorry just re read house in your name!
Not sure if she will have a claim on this or not

I applaud your fair mindedness. I have sent you a PM with details of how I organised a similar split.

As you were not married Your strict legal obligation is towards the children only in the form of maintenance. Good for you to consider the housing options for her and the children. You will of course also need to come to some arrangement about access for the children

Have you considered using mediation to come to a settlement?

Of the scenarios you set out 4 would seem more than fair. As your income is high, having a £100k deposit plus mortgage borrowing will enable you to find somewhere to live, and she is set up well to rent somewhere while she finds a job. Even if the matter went to court (which you seriously want to avoid!) the mother would be expected to work towards supporting herself financially

Option 5: £100,000 Shared ownership property for her and DC and she can cover rent portion by job or UC?

In that scenario perhaps you could afford to pay above minimum CM - sounds like she will have £1100+wage / UC and you will have £5-6k a month yet all the childcare costs (if not on UC) will fall to her which will potentially wipe out all the CM. That may be legal but unfair you get to work unfettered by children responsibilities and she picks up all the costs. Think about sharing these even if you don't share DC 50:50.

Think about impact on your job and income if DC lived mostly with you. Sit down and work out what it actually costs you will see CM doesnt come close to covering the real costs of raising 2 kids.

how do you want your DC to view you when they are older. How will they feel visiting you on a £5-6k+ pcm wage when they & their Mum live on benefits. Generally DC dont like a massive inequality between their parents.

Will they have seen you enough to have a relationship with you? If not will she use your absence to justify moving the dc away from you to live somewhere else.

What about their education if her English is poor? How will you make sure they meet their potential if you are not around much? Will you pay after school activities, tutoring if needed, school trips, uniform?

I have a lazy-exH who didnt contribute as promised so I understand the resentment but giving your DC a good start in life should be your priority. You want to be able to look them in the eye as young adults and know that you did the best by them.

DC living mostly with her allows you to do this sort of job so what benefits her also benefits DC and you.

I think you need to re-think this from the childrens perspective. I actually cannot imagine earning >£100k+ and expecting my DC to live on UC and have free school meals.

Who is paying for childcare if she manages to get a full time job?

I second shared ownership for her, as long as she has enough for 25% it would give your dc a permanent home and you have given her the start

Option 6: you look after the kids and she has them every other weekend so she can advance her career.

How would you be fixed in that scenario??