Acting on my emotions vs biding my time?

[Inthefryingpan]

DH and I are living together, separately. We have been getting on as friends since the decision was made a few months ago to split. But emotionally, I'm struggling to hold it all together as he has completely let me down after refusing to engage with relationship counselling anymore claiming it "isn't for me." So I'm back in independent counselling again, where I've been for the last 6 years. Talking mostly about the shambles of a relationship I have with him.

We agreed to wait until after Christmas before separating properly as the DCs have had lots of upheaval lately due to a school move. We agreed to let them settle first.

He has said that he "doesn't need a relationship" and is "quite content living as housemates" whereas I feel emotionally neglected, scared at what the future holds and I know this set up doesn't work for me.

He's arranged a lads weekend away in December and this weekend just, he got home at 3am after a night out and woke us all, then refused to apologise after I was then up with DCs all night, telling me "I've done nothing wrong." I'm feeling used, taken for granted and like he's having his cake and eating it.

I'm due on my period and have exploded at him, letting out all my thoughts and emotions and I've told him to pack his things and leave in an absolute rage. I was hysterical and told him that this set up is fucked up and doesn't work for me. He then asked if he could sleep in my bed (not shared a bed in months) and I've told him not a chance as I feel nothing for him anymore to have allowed this to happen, allowing our lives to come to this, refusing to even try.

The DCs are now sensing the tension, I keep crying. It's not good for any of us. If he left now, we would be acting on emotions and I'm sad and disappointed that we wouldn't be instigating the calm, empathetic break up that we have discussed and planned for. The DCs are going to be even more unsettled which i feel awful about.

I've told him I hate him and a big part of me does. We separated last year and he came back, promising relationship counselling and said he would work on being healthier and being a better husband. He kept it up for a couple of months and now we're back to square one. Only it's worse as I feel trapped with him for a while longer.

I have nowhere to go as my parents aren't around, but he could move back in to his parents' large home where he's pandered to and not expected to lift a finger.

I feel like a robot a lot of the time, acting methodically and logically whilst actually screaming inside. Well, all the screaming has finally come out, I screamed so loud I made myself dizzy. The DCs heard it all which I'm devastated about. Should I act on this now, speak to the DCs and instigate an early separation? Or try to keep myself together and wait a while longer? The last time I felt like I was losing my mind in his company was during the summer when we both had 2 weeks off work together. 4 days in of a week off together and I feel like I'm losing the will to live. I'm managing to keep ot together so well the rest of the time.

What should I do?

This sounds awful for you. Have you moved forward at all, or just living together separately? It sounds as though you need to start taking the next steps of formalising the separation and start talking about what your future looks like etc... maybe mediation might help? You can't carry on like this. Are you doing his cooking, washing etc...?

I'm probably going to sound unsympathetic, but my ex did the exact same screaming thing when we were separating, and episodes like that really harmed the kids and also his relationship with them, and anger about the whole thing.

Part of the issue is that you aren't actually living separately together if you're furious about him having a lie in after you've been up with the kids, nor organising a night out in September - frankly, that is exactly what will be happening once you actually live apart. Single parent hood is a slog, even though being out of a bad relationship has some major compensations. He is also not actually in any obligation to engage in relationship counselling if you've both agreed to separate.

I know you know this, but the kids hearing you screaming like that is a million miles from ok, period or not. You agreed to wait until December and he clearly doesn't mind the status quo, so this is on you. Either tell him you need to revisit the waiting until December, or you move out, or you speak with your therapist asap about how you make this work, and also draw up a proper agreement for e.g. who gets what nights.

This set up is clearly doing you no good, and it's also harming your DCs, much more than a separation before December would. If you have family who could let you stay with them for a break - maybe even without DCs - now might be a good time for a break, or to use some savings to get him or you into a flat.

He is cheeerfully having his cake and eating it. Fast forward to the actual separation, the parenting slog will feel less if you can’t witness him wafting about.

I'm still cooking and washing for him mon-fri an agreement we made to keep the atmosphere normal for the children. He washes, cleans and cooks for me at the weekends.

Everytime I try speaking to him he just glazes over and conversations don't move forward. He says absolutely nothing and shrugs. I'm finding it so hard as a big part of me just wants to get on with my life. I can't force him out though and he's not refusing to leave either, he just keeps putting it off. I've said I'll go and rent somewhere but he says that's a definite no and that he'll be the one to leave.
But he's not moving anywhere.
I'm just so frustrated and feel so trapped.

I often think that parenting will be easier post separation as he'll have his time, I'll have mine. I'll be able to plan my time better and won't have anyone waking us all up in a drunken daze in the middle of the night or feeling resentful of him spending money on weekends away with mates as opposed to family holidays.

Of course his not moving anywhere, he still has a 'wife' doing everything for him! One thing my solicitor said to me, was stop making it so easy for him. She said he will continue to drag his heels if life is still good. As soon as it gets abit more uncomfortable he will want to move things on. You are not a married couple anymore, start setting up boundaries. I know it's easier said than done, but it sounds like you probably haven't really changed your set up at all, it's just you've said your 'separated'.

Can you organise viewings and just take him? (appreciate this is annoying, less annoying than him being at home).

One option is 'nesting' - not a long term solution for most people for many reasons, but can be less unsettling for kids in the short term. You agree an effective shared custody schedule, get an affordable local flat (ideally 2 bed but a 1 bed or studio can do it), and instead of the kids moving between houses, they stay in their own rooms and you and your ex take turns sleeping in the house as residential parent, or out in the flat. It can also work because it gets them over the initial 'hump' of moving out, and recognising some of the benefits of a bachelor life. You might be able to do a short term local rent until Christmas or similar. Expensive but could be sanity saving.

Do his family know? This could go either way, but a bit of sympathy for them or an offer of a place to stay or a flat deposit could make a big difference.