Going round in circles

[Daisy1988]

I need some advice, I'm stuck in my own head and don't have anyone I can talk to about this.
I've been with my DH for 12 years and married for 9 with one DD (6), however it's felt more like a friendship for several years now, there's absolutely no spark and our sex life is non existent. I feel like he puts me on edge and I get anxious around him, I find myself not telling him about things or hiding how I'm feeling in general in case it sparks an argument. We just can't seem to communicate anymore, he misunderstands what I mean and takes everything the most negative way possible.
As a result I feel I've drifted away from him and can see my future without him, however I feel that breaking up the family over this would be selfish of me. I'm not interested in another relationship at all, and a divorce would (I believe) mean selling the house and having to move away from where we currently live in a good area and also more than likely would mean DD changing schools. I also dread the idea of not having DD every night and being apart from her half the week, so I keep going and trying not to make waves. I just feel trapped, and pretty miserable to be honest.
I've tried talking to DH, we have discussed our issues before, however lockdown happened and it all got shelved. Has anyone else been in the same situation, what did you do, and did you regret it?

This is exactly what I would have written! I can't even answer your questions as I am, where you are now with the same questions. It is so very hard but I do know I have made the right decision to ask for a separation. We have gone in circles for years and I haven't been strong enough to face the truth but I am now. I still feel sick with the reality I've said it but also with the uncertainty of the future but I feel better for finally being truthful and making a start to get out of the misery that was daily life.

I was the same as you. I stayed and now I’m 50 and still feeling trapped, anxious, and as if I can’t speak my mind.
Living with this anxiety will make you ill, and it will make you question your own mind.
I would suggest you speak to a solicitor, I did and it made me see what a good place I was in financially. I would have got more than 50% due to the children’s ages.
Then make sure you have your own bank account, with your wage paid into it if you work. Also make sure you claim any child benefit in your name.
Then start collecting paperwork, I take screen shots and save them in my email files, of private pensions, bank accounts etc.
But ultimately don’t waste your life with someone, you don’t know how long your life will be.

You would highly likely get more than 50 % of the house.
If he has a private pension you might be able to do a deal where you don’t touch that and get more of the house that way.
Would you be able to get a small mortgage to cover the rest ?
Could you actually afford to run the house yourself ?
And would your DH, in reality, want to have her 50% of the time. Would that affect his work ?

@Daisy1988 You are me! Everything you've described is my situation to a T. Firstly, see your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor, or go private to Relate. It helps so much to get this out of your head when it's just going round and round.
Also, my dread was having to uproot the kids, but I spoke to a solicitor this week who said it would be very doable to stay in the house and take over the mortgage, with not really a great amount to pay dh off, if anything at all, as I am the primary carer and the greatest need is for me and the kids to stay where we are.
I know how awful it feels to be stuck

I have felt like this for a few years now, my husband kicks off about stuff a lot and I'm always waitiing for the next thing and avoid raising anything controversial. It's stifling, and I feel anxious a lot of the time. I've finally taken the bull by the horns and said I'm done with it. All I can say is - I wish I'd done it a lot sooner.

@Daisy1988 Everything you have written has resonated so deeply with me. Am so worried about uprooting my DC. My situation very similar albeit with slight exceptions. I am currently working through self forgiveness as I did enable H behaviour for many years. Have appointment with solicitor next week to work out where I stand financially. BTW I have been stonewalled since August because I raised concerns about his behaviour. He refuses to engage at all. Am trying to keep it all together for my DC but it is draining. Thank you for sharing and sending you hugs xx

This post makes me feel slightly less alone. I totally get the 'round and round in circles', and fully understand the anxiety when around him. I have no advice to offer sorry, just wanted to say I get it.. I'm in the same boat. Married 12 years, one primary age daughter. 4 years ago I told my husband I was unhappy, didn't love hime, and wanted to separate, that was so hard, and still can't believe I instigated the conversation. However , after a lot of talking..and , looking back now , emotional blackmail. I decided to stay and try . We too have much more a friendship , than relationship. It is so very hard to think that your reasons are enough to tear apart your child's world.
In those last 4 years , I have spent most days regretting my decision. I should have left then. Nothing changed in respect of my feelings for him . He is a wonderful dad, I cannot fault that, and he is a lovely man, but, and it is big but, I have no romantic or emotional feeling for him . This has only gotten worse as time has gone on. I have had numerous counselling sessions, almost trying to convince myself that I should be happy with my lot and stay, but still years down the line my feelings are the same. I guess what I am trying to say is , I Should have left. I regret not leaving 4 years ago. I will leave . If you are unhappy/ anxious there is a reason and if you can change that, then do it.

I can really relate, tearing the kids world apart is a challenge and definitely gives pause for though - as it should.

However, life in a marriage where you’re anxious around your partner is no life for you, or for them. It’s literally soul destroying.

After 30 years I’ve decided to split from my husband. It’s very hard, I won’t lie, and I have a lot of concern for my kids but having made the decision, and told him, and starting to put plans in place I do feel easier in myself. I feel more free and there are possibilities where before I just saw a gradual slide into oblivion - we’ve been marking time rather than living. I don’t like the idea of being without the kids half the week, but can also see space for me in there. I may have another relationship, I may not but really being on my own with the kids will be better than the half life I’m living, whatever comes next, because it will be my choice.

Financially things may be tricky, and we will need to sell the house, but I have options and can chose my own path, which has been sorely missing for a long time.

You have many healthy years ahead of you, how do you want to spend them.