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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do you get them to face responsibilities re maintenance?

22 replies

nearlyfreeatlast · 25/10/2021 16:35

I'm nearly divorced (been a long saga) and oldest child is now 18. They're at Uni but home a lot. With holidays I reckon they will be home about half the year (Uni not far, so makes it very feasible to be home for all holidays).

OH has taken the view that as child is over 18 he no longer needs to pay any maintenance. But when eldest is here, I'll be still having to house and feed them - I'm their parent. Even picking eldest up and dropping them home costs me quite a lot in fuel each time but they don't drive and can't afford to run a car in any case.

Has anyone here had any success in getting their Ex so be responsible and not just wriggle out of responsibility just because the law allows? Money's tight, but I don't want to burden my eldest with any stress around finance, they're finding adjusting to Uni hard enough as is.

Any top tips gratefully received Grin

OP posts:
8MinutesToSunrise · 25/10/2021 16:43

As your kid is still in education I'm pretty sure your ex is still responsible for maintenance up until their 20th birthday. Will buy you a bit of time and maybe he'll see sense

Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 25/10/2021 17:19

Hi, once they are out of full time education (ie 6th form) and over 18 then officially, maintenance is not payable. Sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 25/10/2021 17:22

If they are eg repeating a year, then yes it still counts but once they go to Uni that's it.

Appealing to his better nature isn't working (mainly because he hasn't got one...) . I've used all reasonable explanation as to why it's not right that he should just stop, but am getting nowhere. It's a bit shit, really!

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 25/10/2021 17:33

There's nothing you can do about it, and it's totally unfair. Flowers

RestingPandaFace · 25/10/2021 17:34

I don’t have any practical advice, but do be honest with DC about who is supporting them.

Don’t try and smooth over their father’s shitty behaviour for the sake of a relationship that their DF is obviously not that bothered about.

Waahingwashingwashing · 25/10/2021 17:36

There’s nothing you can do and it’s shit

I never got any maintenance ever and now DC is at uni I still don’t get any and nor do they. It’s tight and stressful tbh.

RandomMess · 25/10/2021 17:37

Tell DC that they need to spend 50% of their non-uni time with the other parent and get the other parent to do 50% of uni pick ups/drop offs.

Waahingwashingwashing · 25/10/2021 17:38

@RandomMess

Tell DC that they need to spend 50% of their non-uni time with the other parent and get the other parent to do 50% of uni pick ups/drop offs.
Hahahahahaha

Other parent says no.

What then?

DriftingBlue · 25/10/2021 17:44

He should still pay his share. The law should require him to pay his share. The law is not fit to purpose.

The only thing I might try is seeing if he would be willing to an agreement where he pays a fixed amount to your child each month. Since the money isn’t going to you, he might be more amenable. That would at least free up some of the direct support you might need to provide to your child and allow you a bit more flexibility on the housing and transportation costs.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 25/10/2021 17:48

Consider an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989.

MrsKeats · 25/10/2021 20:41

Over 18 and it's all just about what you can agree to I'm afraid.

Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 26/10/2021 09:20

@RandomMess

Tell DC that they need to spend 50% of their non-uni time with the other parent and get the other parent to do 50% of uni pick ups/drop offs.
I llke it - but daughter will say no !
OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 26/10/2021 09:22

@RestingPandaFace

I don’t have any practical advice, but do be honest with DC about who is supporting them.

Don’t try and smooth over their father’s shitty behaviour for the sake of a relationship that their DF is obviously not that bothered about.

I have always been ultra careful not to speak badly of him, I've not told them much what's been going on "behind the scenes" .

I think you're right though. I'm going to sit them down and explain. As a family unit of 3 we're giong to have some difficult times ahead and I think I'm tired of making excuses for him.

Sadly, he really only has one priority - him.

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 26/10/2021 09:24

@DriftingBlue

He should still pay his share. The law should require him to pay his share. The law is not fit to purpose.

The only thing I might try is seeing if he would be willing to an agreement where he pays a fixed amount to your child each month. Since the money isn’t going to you, he might be more amenable. That would at least free up some of the direct support you might need to provide to your child and allow you a bit more flexibility on the housing and transportation costs.

Accordingly to his solicitor, he's doing this... except he hasn't (yet). The amount he is saying he is paying though is paltry and won't cover even her food. It certainly isn't anywhere near like what he's dropping in maintenance payment.
OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 26/10/2021 09:25

@Waahingwashingwashing

There’s nothing you can do and it’s shit

I never got any maintenance ever and now DC is at uni I still don’t get any and nor do they. It’s tight and stressful tbh.

Flowers it's tough isn't it. But we have to be there and do the right thing for our children. Shame their Dads don't see it that way!
OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 26/10/2021 09:26

If you're not divorced yet can't you get more of the assets to cover the 3 years they're at uni - because he won't pay

Rainbowqueeen · 26/10/2021 09:26

Other posters on here have negotiated financial settlements where maintenance is payable while DC are in full time education or age 21. Is it too late for you to do that?

Original poster
nearlyfreeatlast · 26/10/2021 09:28

@MooseBeTimeForSnow

Consider an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989.
Thanks I shall investigate - I thought that was for children with additional needs but I'm probably wrong.
OP posts:
Monsterpumpkins · 26/10/2021 09:30

My dd had a part time job and went to uni.. She paid her own phone bill and for her own clothes and toiletries etc..

ChipsNCurry · 26/10/2021 09:41

I have been the child in this situation and my mum was honest with me that dad had stopped paying and refused to pay any more money to her.

She did go back through the solicitors and negotiate him paying a small amount directly to ME while I was at uni - is that an option? My dad seemed to have a massive issue with paying money to an ex wife but willing to pay a bit to me.

To finance myself I got a part time job in a shop at uni and worked in a hotel at home during the holidays- looking back it was great life skills experience and helped me get on a really good grad training scheme after uni.

ftw163532 · 26/10/2021 10:03

Describing his actions honestly and fairly is not speaking badly of him, it is speaking factually. It enables your children to understand the situation and protects them.

Speaking badly of him would be offering your opinions on his actions. Describing his actions is simply speaking factually - providing information.

RestingPandaFace · 26/10/2021 10:07

@nearlyfreeatlast Good for you. I see so many women on here trying themselves in knots trying to cover for their ex’s poor behaviour or lack of interest. You are right that there’s no need to speak badly of him, but it’s good to be factual and honest.

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