Separating 6 months before wedding

[Mvshrln]

Been together 4 years. At the end of last year we bought a house, got a dog and got engaged. Wedding is planned for early next year. It's been difficult - my anxiety went haywire during lockdown and I became quite unwell. We have found it stressful with a new house, dog and new routine of wfh. We haven't communicated as best we could, and we've become unbalanced and out of sync, whereas before we worked very well, with share goals, values and interests etc.

I instigated a conversation at the weekend about how we could be happier and work towards this, especially as we had spoken of having a family next year. This morning he has said how unsure he is, how unhappy we are etc. And now we are in limbo and I feel absolutely dreadful. Please can I have a hand hold? :(

That sounds really hard. Can the wedding be postponed ? You've had some big changes in a small space of time, its obviously all been a bit too much.

Yes I agree, it's all a been a bit too much. I am happy to postpone the wedding and work together but also allowing each other space. But if he doesn't want to then there isn't anything I can do :(

My advice is, don't get married! You sound unhappy and unsure. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard separating is once you are married compared to if you just live together. Unpacking a marriage is a legal and financial nightmare. Don't do it unless you are really sure.

@Mvshrln you say my anxiety went haywire which sounds like this is an established problem for you. Have you thought about getting to grips with this first? Before thinking about the future?

@Strongerthanyouthink

My advice is, don't get married! You sound unhappy and unsure. I cannot even begin to tell you how hard separating is once you are married compared to if you just live together. Unpacking a marriage is a legal and financial nightmare. Don't do it unless you are really sure.

Very true. The thought of sorting out a house sale, mortgage and the puppy will be difficult enough. Ideally we would work through it all and get to a happier and stronger place but I feel this decision is out of my hands.

[quote DameCelia]**@Mvshrln* you say my anxiety went haywire* which sounds like this is an established problem for you. Have you thought about getting to grips with this first? Before thinking about the future?[/quote]
Oh yes, I sought counselling and have worked hard to manage the anxiety. It won't ever go away as I've lived with it since I was a child, but I am aware of it, acknowledge it and understand it much better so I can manage it well.

In that case @Mvshrln are you able to talk openly with him about how it affects you and to hear how it affects him?
If the anxiety is playing a big part in this then there may be space to work on the relationship and make it stronger. If he is only able to cope when the anxiety isn't bad there is a potential problem further down the line if you do have children, when anxiety gets a lot worse for many people.

@DameCelia

In that case *@Mvshrln* are you able to talk openly with him about how it affects you and to hear how it affects him? If the anxiety is playing a big part in this then there may be space to work on the relationship and make it stronger. If he is only able to cope when the anxiety isn't bad there is a potential problem further down the line if you do have children, when anxiety gets a lot worse for many people.

Yes that is my viewpoint absolutebelieve we've spoken about it/other concerns but on a passive level (e.g. in passing rather than more of a serious conversation about it) but at the weekend we sat down properly to talk about things. I feel we have both accepted the roles we have played in things not being as good as they have been/could be, and apologised. I know things will get more difficult with children which is why I wanted us to acknowledge issues now which have arisen, and move forward together. Then this morning he said I was right that things would get harder and he doesn't see how things will change, but that he loves me and doesn't want the relationship to end. I asked if we could look to move forward but he said he didn't know. So it's out of my hands sadly.

That does sound really tough @Mvshrln and my heart goes out to you.
Are you able to take any comfort from the thought that heartbreak now is likely to be a lot easier to bear than heartbreak that involves unwinding a marriage and the impact on children?
Whatever happens I do hope you are able to care for yourself as much as you deserve.

@DameCelia thank you. And yes you are right. But it's the grief over the future, what I was hoping to have in the next year. I just can't help but feel like he's made up his mind.

I am so sad. I want it to work. I don't want to lose it all. But I just don't know what I can do.

Still muddling through but have that sick feeling in my stomach and unsure how to approach it all. I think the main crux here is when he said he wants it to work but isn't sure if it can. I don't really know what to do about that. We are both trying to act normally although it does seem like there is more effort being put in from both sides. Do I just continue as is? I want to draw a line in the sand and move forward.

(Also name change)