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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Do I need his permission?

31 replies

Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 01:10

We are separating after 30 years of marriage. Now in the limbo stage of still living in the same house, whilst the sale goes though and two new properties finalised.
It was about 5 months ago that we finally agreed to separate and put the house on the market.
This was after several difficult years and the last few have been especially tough.
I have been talking to a guy online for quite a while now and we are planning on meeting up in a few weeks.
My husband was due to move into his new place in September, but it has been put back with no confirmed date at the moment.
He he has found out that I'm talking to someone and is upset about it.
He reminded me that he would still stay together and try and fix things. He says it is more me who wants this separation. And yes, I probably do want to separate more than he does, but he has at times been very adamant that this is what he wants to do!
I did think he would have moved out by now and I somehow would feel better about meeting this new man if that were the case.
I took my wedding ring off several years ago and in my mind we separated then.
Living in the same house has been awful and I can't wait to get my own place.
He has been asking me if I'm going to meet this new guy.
I refused to answer.
I feel so upset amd conflicted.
Just tell me, do I need to tell him or get his permission?
Especially as we are probably still going to be living in the same house.
We decided not to get a divorce but I think maybe that will have to happen at some point in the future.
I have posted many times on here over the last few years about how unhappy I was and how he mistreats me.
I want to be completely free.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 20/10/2021 05:43

No, you don't need his permission. You never did. Marriage is a contract but you're not legally bound to remain faithful even if you WEREN'T separating.

Don't tell him anything.

Is your husband potentially dangerous though? Is he or has he been violent?

Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 08:12

Ok thanks
He does have a temper and this is one of the reasons I want to separate and get away. I have at times been scared of him. He will lose his temper and sometimes damage stuff around me but never actually hit me.
He uses threatening, violent language if what he will do and later says it was because he was angry or whatever. And I've told him I don't like any of this plus other stuff that's happened.
He has got "too close" to other women in the workplace but never had full affairs. His communication style isn't good and he argues about nearly everything. I don't feel like he fully commit to me in situations. So I've tried to give a picture of what it's been like. The last few years for me have been stress and depression.
I don't want to tell him, but he has started asking me questions.
And now saying all this stuff that makes me feel uneasy.
He says, "we're going still married you know?!" And then "can't believe you've met someone so quickly".
He keeps telling me he still loves me and this isn't what he wants. I remind him of what we've been through and some of the things he's said to me. Now he is depressed and I feel guilty.
From my perspective, I've been unhappy for years and just want to now be in my own place.
And I want to meet this new guy and just see how it goes, even though I thought I would never go near another man again.
Pleas give me some advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 08:13

Apologies for errors in my above post.

OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 20/10/2021 08:16

Can I ask why you're not getting a divorce? Especially if you're splitting assets and seeing someone new?

Darkdarknights · 20/10/2021 08:17

It would be better if you were actually living separately. Can you fast forward plans for that? Why aren’t you divorcing? My solicitor recommended divorcing for a clean break rather than a separation agreement.

I wouldn’t tell him any details of another man. Personally I think it could get messy if you start seeing someone when you are still living together but it seems like you are really keen.

I would get on with divorce proceedings!

MrsJackWhicher · 20/10/2021 08:19

Similarly situation here.
I have not told him I have met someone.
Just trying to expedite the divorce.

oviraptor21 · 20/10/2021 08:22

Are you scared to press for divorce?

Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 08:36

Yes, I know what you mean about the divorce and I see that as an inevitable next step.
It's all been such a painful process and we started with separation.
In terms of money and assets he has been ol and we have come to an agreement but I've been advised that we should go to a solicitor about this and we've discussed it.
I think it will be me who will push for this though.
He was meant to be moving out in September as he has bought a flat. A minor problem has occurred with his purchase causing a delay and he still hasn't confirmed a date.
Neither is he really pursuing the solicitor to sort it! When I ask him about it he gets cross.
I would have moved into my mum's a long time ago, but we have a dog and so therefore it wasn't possible.
And now in the last week or so, he put his wedding ring back on and made comments.
It made me feel so uncomfortable and upset.
All I want is to get away and be free as I've felt trapped for many years.

OP posts:
Frymetothemoon · 20/10/2021 08:40

He is trying to coerce you back into a relationship. You may need to reach out for help/protection.

Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 08:45

I am a bit scared about going for divorce yes.
I've had Relate counselling which has helped me to feel a bit stronger in recent years.
I am now more able to "stand up" to him and say, for example "you have emotionally abused me for years" (which is true). He doesn't like it and just says all his usual stuff..."he's not been that bad" ....and so on.
Really, we should have split up years ago and I've put up with stuff I shouldn't have and for too long.
The whole situation has affected me and I'm just clinging on hoping I can get stronger and be me again.

OP posts:
Darkdarknights · 20/10/2021 08:51

Well one of you has to start divorce proceedings at some stage. Why not you now?

IdblowJonSnow · 20/10/2021 09:42

You don't need to tell him anything. And I wouldn't. He could potentially become violent.
Is there anywhere you can stay for a bit so you don't have to be under one roof together?
And take your time with the new man/relationship- if there is to be one.
Flowers

Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 10:48

Thanks for your advice

OP posts:
CharleyMarley · 20/10/2021 13:16

Hi OP, do you have kids? I'm wondering if you could sway him to being properly separated for the sake of the kids. Love separately, use the rooms of the house separately. Eat separately. If you have kids, what are the arrangements for them? Because if it is 50:50 then is that happening whilst still living together. Of course perhaps you don't have kids or they're adults now. Could either of you live a week at home and then a week somewhere else? Like you go to your mums without the dog?

Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 19:16

The children are all older and now only one still at home. We've had separate rooms for a long time. The rest is just about trying to live alongside each other with all the practicalities involved.
But stressful and difficult.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 20/10/2021 19:27

Are you still doing his laundry and cooking his meals?

Original poster
Galwaygold · 20/10/2021 19:46

To some extent we are doing things for each other but it has changed gradually.
We usually sit in separate rooms in the evening aswell as having our own bedrooms.
I just feel trapped in this limbo stage and am waiting for it to end.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 20/10/2021 20:35

For it to be regarded as separated you should be doing nothing for him at all - essentially living separate lives under the same roof.

Original poster
Galwaygold · 21/10/2021 18:51

Really?

OP posts:
freeatlast2021 · 21/10/2021 22:12

@Galwaygold I am so sorry that you are going through this and I understand how you feel. I do not have anything else to add that the other posters have not said already. No, you do not have to tell your husband anything, even if you are not separating, you are a grown woman and can do what you please. He obviously has changed his mind regarding separation and would like to get back together, but you have not and you do not have to. I would just tell him, I am sorry that he changed his mind but I did not. I still want to separate (for now and perhaps divorce later but that does not have to be decided yet) and would appreciate if he can speed up the matters on his end. Unfortunately, just like he can not make you do anything you do not want, you cannot make him move out if he does not want to, so you need to be ready to leave no matter the circumstances. Living together while separated is really hard, although I know many people do it. I only did it for little over three months and it was hell for me.

Original poster
Galwaygold · 21/10/2021 22:26

Thank you so much for your message.
It kind of really expresses how I feel and what I've been thinking.
It articulates what I want to say.
Hope things are better for you now

OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 21/10/2021 22:34

Tbh I wouldn’t start seeing someone else while you’re still living under the same roof as your husband. Anyone posting here saying that they were planning to meet up with a man who still lived with his ex wife would be told to steer well clear.

I would move out before embarking on that kind of thing, and if this man is a decent one he’ll wait.

You can get an official separation agreement even if you’re living under the same roof. I did, and I was still cooking etc because we have DC together so he at the very least got to eat with both of us etc. The separation agreement was still agreed though.

Viviennemary · 21/10/2021 22:37

Living in the same house and not divorcing isn't ideal. Folk need to know where they stand. If they are married or not. People can't just switch off feelings after 30 yesrs together. My take is that the situation is impossible.

OurChristmasMiracle · 21/10/2021 22:46

Time to have a frank conversation about what is going on with the flat purchase. Are you also moving? Time to be very clear that him drawing out the process will not change your mind. You have been unhappy in the marriage for some time and have made the decision to end the marriage.

His feelings are not your responsibility- in fact staying just because it feels less hurtful to someone is only prolonging the inevitable and meaning that neither of you can go and live separate lives happier for it. I’m not saying you have to be heartless about it, but be very clear that for you the marriage is over, and that there is no coming back.

Mossstitch · 21/10/2021 23:28

Similar story, separated after 30 years marriage. My ex had begun to frighten me & I was just happy to separate. Going back about 10 years now so may have changed but you could only divorce within 2 years separation if both agreed. I knew he wouldn't so didn't attempt it, just relieved to be free..... Or so I thought, after 5 years I found out he had been hacking my emails and he was stalking me saying he wanted to get back together, he really stressed me out. I found out then you could divorce after 5 years without his agreement which he obviously knew hence him trying to get back with me as he couldn't bear the thought of me free & with anybody else, not because he loved me but because he saw me as a possession. Long story short I had to make it very clear that there would be no getting back together and found brilliant female solicitor to sort the divorce to reinforce this.