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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Can I move back into our FMH?

26 replies

Orangepink75 · 19/10/2021 15:38

I moved out of our FMH almost two years ago. I was unwell and spent time in hospital and with family, before renting a flat. He’s hoping to buy me out but that hasn’t happened yet. I’m now thinking of moving back in for a few months, to save money and also to spend time with my children who have been reluctant to see me as they felt abandoned when I left. Can anyone advise on the legalities of doing this?
My concern is that he might apply for an occupancy order but I’m not sure if there would be grounds for him to do this?
I also wondered if I have forfeited any rights to live there by being away for so long?

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/10/2021 15:46

He would have changed the locks by now. Unless you meant that he was ok with you moving in?

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 19/10/2021 17:47

He hasn’t changed the locks. It’s a very old door and he’s quite particular about it. I have promised never to use my key without a pre arrangement. He would not agree to me moving back but I was wondering if I would be allowed, legally speaking.

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 19/10/2021 19:44

That sounds like an awful idea. Don't either of you have new partners by now?

Undervaluedandsad · 19/10/2021 19:47

It sounds like a terrible idea. You are not going to improve your relationship with your children if they think you have moved back to save money. I think you need to respect their wishes and work on rebuilding your relationship while respecting their boundaries.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 19/10/2021 20:39

No, neither of us have new partners. I am desperate to see them and I guess I’m clutching at straws. You’re probably right. My difficulty is that I’ve had no access to them; their wishes are based on wrong information and manipulation of the facts. I feel that we have missed out on so much time due to an unjust situation.

OP posts:

waterSpider · 19/10/2021 21:11

I'm not aware of any legal reason that would prevent you just moving back in ... whatever the other comments here.

MinesAPintOfTea · 19/10/2021 21:17

It might be legal, but putting your children through the turmoil of who will live where again is unlikely to help your relationship with them.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 19/10/2021 22:21

Thank you for all the responses. It’s helpful to know it could be legal. My children are my priority of course and I would not move back if I thought it would cause undue distress. However a hope remains in my mind that it could help our relationship or at least give it a fighting chance. They have, for various reasons, been able to reject me from the moment they were told about our separation. I have not been able to have any contact whatsoever, hence my desperate idea to move back. They would remain in the FMH with my H after he’s bought me out so they would know where they are going to live. I will be buying a smaller property nearby so they can visit, I hope. This, probably crazy idea, was my last ditch attempt to spend time with them. My deep fear is that they will never want contact which I find unbearable.

OP posts:

AutumnColours9 · 20/10/2021 08:55

What was the situation in which you left? (Eg affair etc)

LemonTT · 20/10/2021 09:50

How old are the children? Their age will be a factor in whether you can secure access even in a very limited form.

Legally until or unless he get an occupation order you can move back in. But it will really damage any access case and your relationship with them.

It’s a very selfish thing to do to them. From their POV it’s an aggressive act towards him and them. It will lead to at least a legal confrontation amongst others. That will cause them distress.

I know of situation where an estranged parent did something similar. It didn’t get past the police presence (called by the children). The children are still in therapy to deal with this and other similar behaviour.

GenderAtheist · 20/10/2021 10:05

I suspect that it may not legal and you should take expert advice.

But even if it is, it’s a really REALLY bad idea. It will undoubtedly end any chance you have of ever having any kind of relationship with your children.

Im sorry to hear that you are so upset about not seeing them. But the way to do this is get legal advice and do it through the correct channels.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 20/10/2021 11:36

It was a coercive control situation that eventually made me unwell. Once away from the situation I never wanted to return. The children were not abandoned and were offered support and options. It has been incredibly difficult to know what to do for the best. They are early teens. I am hearing what you’re saying and I will not return. I will continue to find another way forward.

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 20/10/2021 11:44

Have you kept up other forms of contact? Letters, cards etc? All you can do is keep low-pressure options open (ie offers to go out for an ice cream) to try and restart things.

What is the legal position on contact? Can you go through the court, noting that they will not be forced at that age?

LemonTT · 20/10/2021 12:10

Regardless of whether you agree with your children’s opinion on what happened you are going to have to accept and a knowledge their feelings. Without a “but” and without casting yourself in the role of the hurt victim. They simply won’t see things that way. That might not be right or fair but it is the position of where you start if you want a future relationship.

Remember they may have been driven by their father but they will be defensive of their decisions and at best you will drive them into feelings of guilt.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 20/10/2021 18:03

Yes, I take this all on board. I’m not going to go through with it. Thank you for helping me see that it wouldn’t be fair. It’s difficult to think clearly when I’m so emotional about it.
Yes I’ve kept up with cards, birthday gifts, invites to meet for hot chocolate etc I was advised not fight for access through the court due to their ages and I have never sought to do this. I had hoped that things would improve by now but I need to learn to be more patient.

OP posts:

JSL52 · 20/10/2021 18:17

You need to push for your settlement.
This would be a disaster.
Why would you want to go back? You say your partner was controlling.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 20/10/2021 19:08

I’m not going to go back! I’ve realised it was a silly thought. It came out of utter despair and grief at having no contact with my children for almost two years. I’m v low and bereft but I’m NOT going to do it. Thank you for helping me.

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 20/10/2021 19:52

Oh OP. It sounds desperate. I can't imagine how hard it's been.

was advised not fight for access through the court due to their ages and I have never sought to do this.

Who advised you to do this? It sounds like extremely poor advice. Presumably they were pre-teens at the time?

Why had you no opportunity for contact at the time of separation? I know you were unwell, but was there no option for limited contact at all?

I think you need good legal advice as soon as you can. Both in terms if your financial / property rights, and to have an opportunity for access to your DC.

Good luck 💐

(Have you posted before, I feel like I've read about this situation previously!)

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 20/10/2021 20:27

Thank you, it is extremely hard. They were pre teen and young teen when we separated.
My solicitor advised this. We discussed what fighting for access would achieve and I had to admit that they were likely to vote with their feet, regardless of what the court mandated. I thought that the legal process might make matters worse and so decided to try to repair our relationship outside of the legal arena. They refused any contact whatsoever from the start. They blocked my number on their phones and refused to acknowledge any letters etc They’ve cut off from any family and friends who speak to me. They’re hurt and angry that I’ve effectively broken up the family. They don’t understand (rightly so) that the situation was complex and I was left with no choice.
I did post recently re the grief aspect and how to cope.

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 20/10/2021 20:32

OP you sound adamant that your ex hasn't changed the locks or has a new partner - but how do you know?

HelloDulling · 20/10/2021 20:46

PPs have said that legal or not, this would be a disaster for your relationship with your Family, I’m inclined to agree. Your DC may feel, rightly or wrongly, that you left a situation where you felt at risk but were happy to leave them behind. It will take them a long time to get over that.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 20/10/2021 21:07

I didn’t leave them behind, I was admitted to hospital for several weeks. I was unable to return, I can’t give further detail as to why because it could be revealing. They were not at risk and I was not happy to leave them behind. I contacted them throughout the time of my illness. I know that the locks haven’t been changed as I’m in touch with a neighbour who has a key and waters plants etc when they’re on holiday. Maybe he does have a new partner, I guess I don’t know for sure.
I’ve already said that I’ve listened to what pp have said and I won’t be going back.

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 21/10/2021 11:01

It does sound very difficult and like you had a rough time of things. I hope that you do find a way to rebuild things with your DC.

Original poster

Orangepink75 · 21/10/2021 16:44

Thank you 😊

OP posts:

Moutainwoman · 21/10/2021 21:44

Very best of luck xxx nothing is ever black and white, so sorry you are going through this

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