Hi folks - I’d love your opinion
My husband and I will be 20 years married tomorrow. We have 3 children .
He rarely buys me a present (x Mas birthday / anniversary etc .. ) but can manage to sometimes get optics right for kids or his family ... I was 50 last year - no flowers /birthday cake / and he did his best to be busy - would not share a glass of bubbly and had pretended to the kids ( who were away ) that he had plans to invite neighbours in for cake .. he won’t come away for a break ( I’ve been a front line worker during covid ) “ because the dogs need someone there “ yet he has a week gone cycling and another week in sun booked with friends ... in 2 weeks ...
It has taken covid to realise he really isn’t just an awkward present buyer but he’s mean / doesn’t have my back and is not trustworthy ... he is one of 10 children and was probably unintentionally neglected as a child ... I quite like his family .. he does not seem to like any of them , but he phones them .. keeps the optics good ...
I’m
Beginning to think he may be more sinister a character than I ever realised ...
It has evolved that I pay for all main things / education / shopping x Mas / presents/ kids expenses ( not to mention the time required to do this ... all while working full time .. I do cooking / cleaning too ) he has started to help with cooking cleaning ... but is disorganized and not v helpful ..and suits himself
... sometimes i feel he is managing optics ... and manipulates every action to make it look like he is accommodating others rather than pursuing his own agenda ... wastes a lot of my headspace ... he seems keen for me to retire early ( I’m only 50 ) ... but I can’t see the point ... I like my job ( but would like to work less .. but why retire to become his maid .... and why retire to someone who really actually is not nice to me ..
He has regularly said he is lonely / not happy / Indifferent/ would be happy to leave ... I was always upset -and accepted responsibility and worked harder .... but I now think differently... I eventually said last year that if he wasn’t happy we should call it a day ... it struck me he has a financial plan regarding all of this in his head .... however he said he was content with how things were ...
I’ve finally accepted I picked a dud who has gaslighted me ... and has reasons (? Probably financial) to delay separating and divorcing ... his accounts from last. Year show he saved 100k (🤔!!’) withinHis company . he is self employed... but only made 45k available to the family ... out of which half went directly on himself ...
I don’t really care about tomorrow’s 20 anniversary- he hasn’t indicated any recognition of it ... and I’m just so over it all now ...( last year he said it was my turn to do this year because he organised last year ( ie bought 2 steaks and a bottle of wine and handed them to me !)
I’ve organised a therapist for myself and spoken to a solicitor .., now I want him to just move out and disappear tbh .., however .. we will be coparenting ... but it’s time to call time ... I think he called time on it years ago ..( if indeed he was every really committed ) .., I don’t want to be seen as kicking him out ... rather I’d prefer to be “ responding to his clear agenda “....
For what it’s worth - when he proposed marriage ... he said 20 mins later he had to go back to work to finish a project .., this was a sat and he was self employed ... what kind of fool. Was I ...
Any advice ?