Child Access - What to do for the best?

[justustwoandmoo]

Hello all,

I am after some advice please. My partner and I have been together for about a year. He separated from his ex in 2018 and has two kids who are now 5 and 7.

His ex is nice enough but seems to have always just dictated how much he can see the kids. He's now at every other weekend (Friday and sat night only) and overnight on a Tuesday. He finds it hard going a week without them so asked to see them on the Thursday every other week but was told no due to routine. He then asked if he could have them for 3 nights (Friday to Monday) on his weekend but again got a no.

My partner is now thinking that the only thing he can do is contact a solicitor. It seems such a shame though. Does anyone have any experience of this and can suggest what to do?

"The eldest has started asking why she can't see him more and suggested the other day that they just do one week in one house and the next week in the other. "

Well there we are. It's in the interests of the children to see more of their father anyway and it's what the kids want. Now your partner needs to fight for it.

Don't be afraid of going to court if needed, that's what the family courts are for after all. It's not ideal and hopefully mediation will work but it's wrong for one parent to unilaterally set themselves up as the main parent and then bully the other parent into submission.

You also won't need to hire a solicitor, most people self-represent in the family court. As long as your partner is reasonably smart and articulate he can do it himself, I know several people who have done this.

And good luck, he sounds like a great father and he's lucky to have you supporting him.

@madisonbridges I get what you’re saying about the mother automatically given the majority of the time with dcs but we have no reason to believe the father wants or can practically have the DC’s 10 days. And it’s all very well people saying fight fight fight but unless the situation is unworkable for one or both of the parents and/or the children are desperately unhappy with the status quo how can changing their lives so drastically be better for the children? Going through the courts is a horrible process, and one which should be avoided at all costs. Nobody wins, least of all the children. That’s why I think the DD in this situation should tread very carefully and wisely rather than stir the pot and rile the mother unnecessarily.
Also what’s to say the kids live with dd 10 days and that they don’t then ask to see more of the dm? They love both their parents and are likely to miss whoever they see the least.

@Caramellatteplease

Two parents getting on well is infinitely more valuable than A few extra nights with their dad.

I dont know any child doing 50/50 who wasnt damaged by the experience unless their parents naturally fell into that arrangement.

Huge generalisation

I know several adults who did 50/59 between parents and have had no issues.

My dd does 50/50 between her dad and I. His shift pattern is 3 on 3 off so even when we were together she only ever saw him on his 3 days off due to him working 12 hour shifts.

Any contact schedule can be damaging to kids if it is turbulent and there is friction over it.

@justustwoandmoo your partner needs to propose on writing a schedule he would be comfortable with, specifically stating that this is in part due to his eldest asking for more time with him. State that it will not impact the maintenance paid to his ex. If she still refuses what is a reasonable request then he needs to enlist a properly trained mediator which is probably best done via a solicitor.

Honestly I would advise your dp to think very hard before starting formal proceedings and potentially damaging what sounds like a healthy relationship dynamic between your him and his ex.
In my experience courts would be unlikely to award much more than he has given that the status quo is well established.
It's all very well saying fight for more contact but fighting causes damage and his children being able to see their parents get on and communicate in a healthy manner is in my opinion far more important. Than 2 extra days a fortnight.
Perhaps suggest an extra day a month, start small I agree it doesn't seem fair on your dp but it's the children who matter most and at such young ages their opinions would not be considered in court especially as a contact arrangement is already in place. I am unsure why he allowed this to be established in the first place? Not a criticism I was just wondering.

@madisonbridges

If, as posters say, it can be unsettling on the children, as there are no problems with his parenting, why not suggest applying to have them the majority of the time and the mother can have them 4 days out of 14. Seems fair.

Completely agree. It's mad how many people on here think that it's totally fine to have so little contact with your children, as long as you're the dad.

Can't imagine many mums on here would accept only seeing their kids 4 days out of 14 because that's what the dad dictated.

I'm slightly suspicious that a 7 year old would suddenly decide that a week on week off arrangement would be best for them as any professional would be because it sounds exactly like what a parent would say a 7 year old would more than likely ask for there parents to be living together on a farm with unicorns a few dogs and a cat before saying that

@Theunamedcat

I'm slightly suspicious that a 7 year old would suddenly decide that a week on week off arrangement would be best for them as any professional would be because it sounds exactly like what a parent would say a 7 year old would more than likely ask for there parents to be living together on a farm with unicorns a few dogs and a cat before saying that

A 7 year old probably wouldn't decide that, a week is a long time to not see one or the other parent for a child of that age.

I think most children would choose to see their other parent every couple of days if that was an option.

However, I also think that decisions like this are too important to be left to young children to make. Most people don't even let children of this age choose what they wear or eat every day! Yet people would have them decide at 7 when they do and don't want to see their mum and dad??

It doesn't always have to be overnights either, don't see the issue with OP's DP having the kids every other weekend plus Tuesday and Thursday?

Sometimes you have to think of the bigger picture and the greater good of the children in the long run, and the best thing for them is to have strong relationships with both of their parents from a young age.

@Theunamedcat

I'm slightly suspicious that a 7 year old would suddenly decide that a week on week off arrangement would be best for them as any professional would be because it sounds exactly like what a parent would say a 7 year old would more than likely ask for there parents to be living together on a farm with unicorns a few dogs and a cat before saying that

Lol. Love this response. I think I'd prefer that option too tbh! That is what she said. I've not doubt she's picked that up from somewhere as u say but it doesn't change the fact that she's asking to see him more xx

Agree with you OP, 3 nights in 14 is really sad. My DS has a useless father and he still has him 4 nights in 14 - he had his eldest DS from another relationship 50/50 - I'd love him to ask to have him more (not that I'd be happy to have my son less, id just be happy his dad wanted to be more involved!)

I’m wondering how much of an influence/factor the OPs custody arrangements are having on this sudden change to what was seemingly a mutually workable agreement til fairly recently?

Thanks for all the opinions here. He has put together a polite email this afternoon asking for 5 nights in 14. Every other weekend for 3 nights and 1 night in the week.

I think the main thing he would like is the 3 night weekend so that it feels like proper time together and he can arrange activities for the Sunday without worrying about drop off.

I do find it incredibly strange that a father has to ask permission to see his own kids. I don't know what I'd have done without my dad when I was growing up. He was and still is an incredible role model to me. Every child should have that opportunity unless there are reasons why not (abusive etc).

We'll see what happens. I've everything crossed that an agreement can be reached in a friendly way. I hate confrontation and bad feeling!

@HadaVerde

I’m wondering how much of an influence/factor the OPs custody arrangements are having on this sudden change to what was seemingly a mutually workable agreement til fairly recently?

As in my arrangement for my daughter? None at all. He's never wanted to have such little contact and has always wanted more. That doesn't mean they can't be friendly and civil though does it?

Why did he agree to it all this time then?

@HadaVerde

Why did he agree to it all this time then?

He didn't. At first he was given just the one night on the weekend, managed to get it up to 2 and tea time one evening. It's like pulling teeth tbh. He's terrified of rocking the boat and losing the kids.

Why do u seem so angry about it hun? I promise he's a good dad. He loves the bones of them and just wants more time with them x

What about my messages suggests anger…hun 🤣 and I’ve not suggested he’s a bad Dad.

You seem a tad defensive.

Tbh the initial time and time increases seem age appropriate given the youngest was 2? When the arrangements began.

I would be pushing for more time at Christmas personally. That certainly isn’t the norm.

@HadaVerde

Tbh the initial time and time increases seem age appropriate given the youngest was 2? When the arrangements began.

I would be pushing for more time at Christmas personally. That certainly isn’t the norm.

Thank you. I'll suggest that too x

@HadaVerde

What about my messages suggests anger…hun 🤣 and I’ve not suggested he’s a bad Dad.

You seem a tad defensive.

Sorry no offence intended with the 'hun'. Just the way I speak. Thank you for your input x

Good luck with it all.

I was fortunate that my parents never split up. My dad was a massive influence for good both on my behaviour and on setting a high bar in my expectations of men. When I was young, even though I adored him, I probably would have gone along with seeing him less but it would have been a huge mistake and my life would have been so much poorer. As parents it behooves us to assure that our children have quality access to both our parents (on the understanding that parent is a responsible one) of a sufficient quantity that our children can get a rounded and varied upbringing.