Talking to 3 year old about separation

[missLKA83]

I've been in an unhappy marriage for 10 years. I want to separate but there is no physical abuse. The issues from my side are stonewalling, gaslighting, neevra saying sorry or admitting responsibility, and dismissing my opinion. My issues are anxierty attacks, often triggered by arguments so i come out looking more unhinged, wheeraas he seethes and fumes and gives me looks. Doesn't sound like much, but i just cant see a future together. the constant bickering is wearing us all down and i'm giving everything to make a difficult relationship work and i'm sure i have less time for my son. Anyway, we are still living together, i think he thinks we can work it out, but i've left in my mind. My gut tells me in the long run it will be ok, but i'm terrified of the impact on my sensitive 3 year old who is close with his Dad. We are likely to be the ones moving out. Any tips / messages of hope on how to make it as smooth as possible for LO? how to tell him? how to create stability? new start altogether or maintaining things from old life? any reccomended books for LO? and me?

I have literally just moved out with my 3yo (nearly 4). I was terrified about the impact on her but she's taken it totally in her stride (so far anyway - it helps that she's had a weekend with me first as I think the separation from me on his weekend next week might be more difficult for her ). I think this is a really good age to do it if it needs to happen because they're old enough to understand what you tell them but not so old that they ask any deep or wider questions - they just accept their new circumstances!

In my situation we'd been separated already for several months but still living together, so she'd got used to us splitting our time with her while we were still under the same roof. When it was time to move out I told my daughter in a very light manner - I just said mummy and daddy will have two houses now, she will get two big girl's bedrooms, she'll live with us both etc. And told her I'd take her to see mummy and dd's new house the next day.

We have just had our first weekend living here together and she's been great! I made her new bedroom really special (first big girl's bed, little fairy door in the corner, that kind of thing) and made sure she had a good collection of old familiar toys and books plus some new exciting things to play with when we first went to the new house. My parents came to visit and she was so chuffed to show them around!

In terms of good books, I've got a few - the one I like best is called 'living with mum and living with dad - my two homes.' It's pretty simple but it has nice pictures and some flaps to lift. I've got another called 'two homes' which is a similar concept but less nice pictures!

I'm trying to keep everything else in terms of our usual routine exactly the same for her - play dates with friends, visiting grandparents etc. I think it's helped her to see that it's not a huge new unknown life, just the same life as before but one where she is living in two houses.

Do you have any sort of agreement yet in terms of what the care for your son might look like between you and your husband?

Thinking of you- it's a horrible time I know.

Thanks so much for your message @helplesshopeless wil follow up those book recommendations. Glad to hear your daughter is adjusting so well. We haven't discussed, I think we will need a mediator, because so far he's refusing to discuss the practicalities of it.