Talk to me about ‘nesting’ after separation

[Jaguarshoes]

Thinking about possibly separating with my husband, early days still but we seem to have grown apart and the sex is just dire, amongst a few other areas. He’s lovely and kind, and an amazing father but I am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him - the thought of having the house to ourselves when the children have flown the next fills me with dread even though realistically we are many years away from that.

If we do separate I believe we can do it amicably and hope that we could eventually stay friends. Our absolute priority would be the children’s mental health, and I find myself wondering what life might look like after separation.

Currently I work from home so I am here when the children come home from school every day. He’s generally around 1 school day and weekends are spent as a family. He also has many school holidays off, but realistically I also don’t really work during school holidays so we share those too.

I’ve come across the concept of ‘nesting’ and wondered if anyone had any insight or experience in this practically? It seems like such a great idea to avoid disrupting the children’s life by taking on the moving around instead of them. It would also mean that the children could stay in the house, there is no way either of us could afford a big enough house in the same area if we sold up and tried to get two separate properties. We could, however, afford to invest in a 2-bed flat which we could take turns to use on our week ‘off’ with a bedroom each to keep our privacy. Would that be madness, basically becoming house mates but never spending time at the flat together? I realise that would only work temporarily, once one of us wanted to move in with a new partner this would have to change but the other party could at that point buy the other out perhaps, that could all be agreed on up-front with a solicitor.

The main issues I see is my work, since I work from home I’d find it difficult to cart all my work stuff back and forth. Also, since I am the one who is at home with the children between 3pm-6/7pm, would/could I basically become the nanny during my ‘off’ weeks? I wouldn’t want to get after-school care.

Am I completely crazy to be thinking along these lines? I’d love to hear your thoughts and advice.

I thought very briefly about this as a short term option (I had never heard the term) but dismissed it as a non runner. I used to work away sometimes, and the place would look like we'd been burgled when I got back. I could just see me coming back to piles of washing.

Hi, I have done this for the last 15 months or so. We started off with a 2/2/3 pattern, but this was quite hard to maintain so we swapped to 4/3/3/4 which worked better. We are now in a position to be able to buy somewhere with enough space for the children, so the nesting arrangement will end, and they will start to move between homes.

The advantages have been:
Very little disruption to the kids' lives so far, as to be honest there was often only one of us at home at a time anyway.
A bit of breathing space to work out if this was the way forward.

Disadvantages?
I do wonder if the kids not being disrupted has meant that they haven't fully taken on board what was happening - they used to say things like "when you don't need the flat any more....." although this hasn't happened for a while.
My clothes/work stuff always seem to be in the wrong place! This is making me worry that the kids will have this to deal with in the near future.
Chores - if division of chores is ever an issue, then this doubles it! Many a weekend I have spent cleaning one place, only then to move to the other which also needs cleaning... Trying to keep track of groceries etc can be tricky too.

But all in all would I do it this way again - yes, absolutely.

I've never known anyone do this in real life.

DH and I are together and even now I find his mess difficult to tolerate at times. I think I'd find it really hard if each time I came home I was cleaning up after him. I also think I wouldn't feel at home.

Sounds disastrous to me, can't see how there wouldn't be loads of petty annoyances.

I do a version of this but mostly because my DD refuses to visit her father’s house. So he sometimes stays here all day whilst I go out/have a break/do chores or whatever. I’d much rather her go there but I cannot force or cajole her she’s just not having it. I’m considering having him stay over so I could have a weekend away. So it’s not really nesting but I guess it causes DD minimal disruption as she gets to see both parents albeit separately in what she considers to be and has always known as her family home.

@sashamc thank you so much for sharing, I’m glad to hear it has worked out for you. Would you mind me asking, do you think it has lessened the impact on your children at all?

My husband fortunately is very domesticated and does clean, cook etc. I suppose I could always get a cleaner in if it became too much. I would hate to make the lids move around. I’m not even sure how that would work for my secondary school child, every day she needs different books and sports kit.

The comment about not feeling at home, I totally get that but even worse would be for the kids to feel that way.

OP - nesting is an idea that sounds great but is very difficult in reality.
It requires both people actually being quite amicable and happy to cooperate/continue to be entangled with Ex post divorce.

In my observation those amicable divorces are very rare. More often than not - divorce unleashes a storm of negativity and people start behaving in ways you don’t expect. And very quickly the ‘what’s best for the children’ isn't anymore something people agree on. Bitterness, anger and hurt make it all very difficult.

Nesting is quite hard for the adults and for moving on. Men tend to want to move on quite quickly. Not having his own place would make it quite complicated.

In the way you are describing nesting - it’s almost a ‘divorce-light’. In your description - you and your H stay very much an aligned unit for the purposes of childcare and household management. You just take away physical cohabitation and sex.
But divorce doesn’t work quite like that. It is rarely (never?) this civilised.

Thanks for your input @MMmomDD I’d be interested in your experiences, you seem to know a lot about this subject? I do believe we would have a very amicable divorce either way, it’s just how we are as people. Not being able to move on and have a clean break would feel hard but I wonder if the fact that the children could stay settled in their home would make up for that.

I am of the age where a lot of people around me seem to be divorcing. Mid-late 40s seem to be the expiration date on many relationships.

You mentioned on another thread that your H was shocked and hurt when you told him you aren’t happy. So, as much you want to hope it will all be amicable - it rarely works out that way.
I have seen many good people start off divorce with best hopes:intentions to keep it civil and fail.

Yea, obvious keeping marital home provides kids with more stability. And if they can happen - great. Some people can afford it. Many can’t. Sometimes, depending on financials - Mesher order is used that delays the sale of the home that allows one of the spouses to stay there until kids grow up.

I think you are at a stage where you are unhappy enough in your marriage so yoweighing pros and cons of divorce. And the idea of nesting is a way for you to think that there is a way of softening the blow for your kids. And thus make it OK for you to chose to go that way.
It’s normal. Women feel guilty about initiating divorces and want to shield their kids.

But, there isn’t really alway to shield them. Kids will be affected. They will adapt and find a way to cope. But nesting won’t make them forget or not notice that parents have divorced. It may confuse them and create false hopes. Age related, obviously. If they are toddlers - they won’t quite understand yet.

But nesting doesn’t really work for any duration other than really short term. It prevents adults from moving on and rebuilding their lives. And the impact on the kids is only somewhat delayed, if at all.

If you chose to divorce - do it with your eyes open. And obviously talk to your H and see if he sees things the same way. Don’t assume you know how he will take it or what he’ll want.

I’m not naive enough to think that my children won’t notice we’ve divorced. Of course I am going into this with my eyes open and we are going to have some couples counselling which will hopefully help with the communication, whichever way we go.

Yes he was shocked and hurt, who wouldn’t be when they’ve had the rug pulled from under their feet? I don’t think you can read too much into someone else’s relationship, what their life and personalities are like from what can be pieced together from reading a few posts on mumsnet. After all, I do know myself and I have also known my partner for 20 years; I know a thing or two about how both of us operate. Hearing from other people’s own real life experiences has been really useful.

In my divorce - nesting was mentioned by one of our child psychologists we have seen while we were figuring out what our future child arrangements would be.
But I personally couldn’t imagine it working for me. I wanted a peaceful separate life with a place that is only mine.

The part where you said you knew your partner for 20 years gave me a bad flashback. I thought the same. I was sure of it. I thought he may he angry at me for initiating divorce but would always prioritise his children.
People told me divorce brings out the worst in people and changes them. I didn’t want to believe them.
And then it all happened and more. Including a nearly physically attack over some domestic bits as we were dividing chattels, in front of the kids. And of course fighting over the child support that he wanted to minimise as much as possible. Fighting over everything and lying to our mediator.

And mine isn’t the worst case. I had friends who ended up with bruises and having to call police. Kids hiding under their beds.
And we are talking long relationships, with educated professional people. And actually pretty comfortable financially.

You may be lucky and your best case scenario would materialise. For your sake - I hope it will.

I also forgot to add - in my case my ex has moved on with lighting speed. Internet dating, introducing new new gf couple of months in, playing house and blended families followed swiftly.
Prioritising his kids - thinking of what’s best for them - asking them and considering their feelings - none of that happened.

And I think this is quite common. Men tend to form new relationships quickly. And they don’t try to thread carefully post divorce the way women often do.

I don’t know if it helps you or not. Just one more story.

Hi @Jaguarshoes you're welcome. Yes, I do think it has lessened the impact on my children. Not the overall result obviously, but they have had some time to come to terms with the idea and I think that has taken some of the shock away. I don't think it is a long-term arrangement though and can't see myself doing it for more than a few more months.
The comment about feeling at home I do get, but actually find I do feel at home in the flat, and sometimes strangely feel not completely at home in the house now. I find it hard if I have called in to drop one of the children off or to collect something, as I cannot relax if I know I am not staying and will have to say goodbye.
I think it can be this civilised, but agree it is probably rare, and is perhaps an indicator of the state of our relationship in itself. Mind you, we haven't done the hard bit yet of actually separating into 2 homes...

Ending the nesting because one of you wanted to move in with a new partner sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think if you’re nesting, you need to commit to it til the youngest has left home.