Is it possible to even say I don’t want money

[Beenheresincethebook]

If I’m not interested in getting any money will it make things easier? We have children so I’m not sure of what would happen there. I don’t care about receiving any of the pensions etc. I don’t have a clue where to start, I just want away from him. He won’t be interested in custody. Thanks

How long have you been separated? Is this very new?
I am asking as I would be concerned about you making any financial decisions like this in the early days and coming to regret them down the line.

I really understand the need to get away, but even though you are not looking for revenge you need to consider your future.

Also, would suggest you start by getting all the financial information that you have and going for an appointment with a solicitor. I saw one who talked me through every step and explained financials.
It may help for you to know the solicitors attitude was not combative towards my ex, just looking to disentangle the situation while keeping each person as whole as possible.

Sorry me again

Why don't you want anything, are you scared of your ex's reaction?

Absolutely get legal advice as soon as possible.
I understand you might just want to get away and make a complete break in order to have a fresh start in life with your kids, but this isn't just about you. You have to think about the future for the kids, even if you have an amazing salary and secure housing, life is only going to get more expensive, and you will need funds for computers, clothes, holidays, college and /or university.
And there is the morality of you husband/partner providing for his offspring.

And... you never know what might happen in the future, illness, accident... business opportunities.. nobody knows.

A clean break divorce is absolutely possible. However few couples are in a position to facilitate a clean break: there will be jointly owned assets (obviously most frequently the family home) that need to be either sold or transferred into a sole name. There may be jointly held debts and other assets.

We have prepared a financial settlement agreement and this was reviewed by lawyers who both said the courts might not agree this as I'm not claiming on his DB pension.

We haven't got to the point of divorce as yet so I don't know whether this will happen. I'm younger than him and earn well so have an opportunity to build my pension but they didn't seem to take this into account - I've no idea whether the court will

In your circumstances I think the court may think there could be coercion

Thank you for replies. It’s all very new I’ve only just began to be brave enough to actually start looking at proceedings and things online. Not even seperate yet but yes it will be a big deal for me to tell him. 12 years of misery and I’ve had enough. You are right though I do need to think of the children but I thought if I could manage to provide ok for them it’s just less grief than to have him constantly moaning I am taking money from him ( which I’m sure would happen). I think il book a solicitors appointment before the end of the year . No assets, we rent so I’m sure that will make things easier in a way? I hope !

Stay strong, for your kids but for yourself too.
Let him moan, but remember the old saying.. if you don't value yourself, no-one else will either!
It will get better.. you can do this.

Thank you. It’s taken a long time to get to even this point.

Get money for the dc
His pension or other assets
And chikd maintenance

Unless you v high earner and just want to get shot and any money wont make material difference

My solicitor made me sign a waiver saying I was going against her legal counsel in giving my Ex everything and walking a way with literally nothing.

“I understand you think this is the price of your freedom, Choc, but you don’t have to do this.”

This was the man who had said to me in front of police officers “They can’t save you. They can’t keep you safe” and told me multiple times we had been together 20 years and he was prepared to do “the same amount of jail time” if I didn’t give him everything I “owed” him (I had always paid the mortgage etc).

I instructed her to petition he could have all financial assets from the marriage for a clean break.

I walked away with £0 and never looked back.

Please please get legal advice! If he's abusive you can do things through the courts and not have to see him. He must take financial responsibility for his children. It's a massive financial burden for you on your own.
It's understandable that you're scared. Highly recommend you phone Women's Aid for advice about leaving safely.
Very best wishes to you !

I’m not a crazy high earner but I would manage to provide for us all single Handedly by moving into a smaller house/apartment. I think also I would feel guilty as he is nearing retirement and I still have a good few years of earning and he doesn’t have savings..( I 100% should NOT feel guilty after how I’ve been treated but he would definitely play that card and I would never hear the end of it).

He is also too self absorbed to even consider that he would be providing for the kids he would just see it as cruel towards him. He would be far worse off in a few years time, with no income and nowhere to go,than I will be.

Thank you again for the comments it’s really helpful

This was also my view 3 years ago when me and ex separated. Since speaking to a solicitor and listening to our eldest children (21/20/16) I now realise I deserve more. My kids deserve more. So I'm fighting for my children.

He can work a bit longer if he needs more money. A share of the pensions is very very valuable in the long run and will give you more choices. Learn to “grey rock” him. Once you leave, you really don’t have to listen to him poor me-ing himself.