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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Opinions please, I am miserable

9 replies

Gemski38 · 12/10/2021 11:23

Ive been married to DH for nearly 8 years. 4 children between us, my 2 older boys by exH, his DD with his ex and a child we share.
We (or I) have had full time custody of his DD 14 for 6 years due to her mum having significant mental health issues. We went through hell and back with his woman, i was pregnant with our son and the stress was unreal.

Basically after all that's happened, its chipped away at me and for the last 3/4 years i have been so unhappy. I am constantly thinking of how i want to leave, thinking of splitting up etc. Its exhausting and making me feel so ill all the time.
Hes a good man, but he' so lazy. He does NOTHING around the house, no food shopping, xmas shopping, doesn't manage the bills, plan holidays, he has left all parenting of his DD to me for the last 6 years, and i mean EVERYTHING is left to me. He cannot communicate at all, takes everything to heart and gets nasty and manipulative when i bring up the things that bother me.
He is self employed, but transfers the basic money over to cover all the bills and keep the rest in his "business account" which currently has thousands in. When i ask him can we use some of the money for things like DIY or clothes for kids, its NO because its a waste! So we are living off tax credits monthly as im a student nurse so on a tiny bursary.
Ive told him so many times im not happy but it goes over his head, he thinks we can have sex and all is ok then. He bores me, he cannot take a joke, is so manipulative so ive given up trying now.
His DD i do everything for, if i say one bad word against her, he says over over that I dont give a F for her!!! I feel like I'm going crazy some days..

We have a joint mortgage, but hes already made it clear he wont ever let me have the house, he threatens that i wont be able to take our son and he would keep him. The whole thing scares me so much. Id have to move, go onto universal credit and carry on my nursing studies as a single parent. I dont know what to do for the best

OP posts:

LemonTT · 12/10/2021 13:40

It sounds like the marriage is over for you. From what you say you see his laziness as irremediable which is fair enough.

If you split them you have two big things to work our. First is the financial split of assets. Second is the split of child care. Obviously his daughter will live with him and your two boys with you. The shared child will live between your two homes.

It is not a case of letting some have the house. The equity in the house is an asset which will be split between you. That will either happen straight away or further down the line if you are able to secure a mesher order. As you have 3 children to his 2 you can expect a bigger share.

The obvious problem for you at the moment is that you are a student and don’t have much of an income. When you split you will be entitled to child support for the shared child. But the fact he has another child and is self employed means this isn’t going to be a generous sum. I expect you will get some tax credits.

His claim to want full custody is just bluster. He would never get it any wouldn’t want it either. Assume standard eow and a day in the week.

happylittletree · 12/10/2021 13:45

...is he a good man? It doesn't sound like it.

You may find life as a single parent easier than life with a useless and financially controlling 'partner'

IdblowJonSnow · 12/10/2021 13:46

Hey op
This sounds miserable and unsustainable for you - as it should be.
Contact CAB for advice. Many solicitors offer a free 30 min consultation.
You might well be able to negotiate staying in the house until your studies are done and you're earning.
Can you get copies of his earnings/savibgs/any pensions? As he might try to hide money if you separate.
He does sound horrible and there will be a way out.
Can your parents help?

Purplewithred · 12/10/2021 13:55

What happens to the house and your child after divorce is not his choice. He is a blustering bully and is talking bollocks.

If you can't bring yourself to split immediately then start planning ahead. Try to get evidence of his 'business' accounts, see CAB for advice on benefits etc, work out how much equity is in the house.

How did you live before you were with him?

Original poster

Gemski38 · 12/10/2021 14:01

Well my parents are fab and would help me in a flash, they know ive been unhappy for years and have given me money for a bond on a rental house years ago, but i cancelled at the last moment. However my mum is unwell with a brain aneurysm, and has literally had surgery yesterday so i cant put all this on them really.

He wont leave me have the house easily, he's said so many times that he wont leave.

Its such a hard conversation to have. He's currently being overly nice, doing bits around the house, but i feel he has sensed that i have given up. I cannot be bothered with it anymore. I am bringing up 4 children, studying for a degree, taking care of the house, the bills, life, food, shopping,planning etc all on my own. The man hasnt even washed his own clothes in 8 years!! I'm so over it but he twists everything back onto me when i bring it up..

I literally have nowhere to go, and i know he would be so difficult to live with if i said i wanted to separate.

I cant see the way out right now, the thought of finances and getting a house for my 3 boys is stressing me so much, but i feel like a slave on a daily basis at the moment.

Im seeing a counsellor tommorow which may help me think a bit clearer..

Thank you so much for replying, i need some guidance as i have no one to vent to really x

OP posts:

Original poster

Gemski38 · 12/10/2021 14:06

@Purplewithred i had my own housing association house before i met him, just me and my 2 boys at the time. I was also working but moved into his house, before we both then got a mortgage together.

I left my job to train as a nurse, but now looking back its always been me supporting him through everything, jobs, his DD, custody battle, going self employed.. He's had such a easy ride with me, and i feel totally used and fed up with it.

He is NEVER wrong, so we cannot communicate at all.

He will try and say i cant take our youngest son, 100%, he always does.

if i knew i could house my sons and be financial ok, id be gone x

OP posts:

Purplewithred · 12/10/2021 15:49

Big unmumsnetty hugs - you sound amazing.

Imagine how easy life will be without him.

So many of us have thought "I have nowhere to go, I cannot break free" but we've found that actually, we have and we can, even if it's a bit rough for a while. And it is SOOOO worth it!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 12/10/2021 18:07

@Gemski38

Ive been married to DH for nearly 8 years. 4 children between us, my 2 older boys by exH, his DD with his ex and a child we share. We (or I) have had full time custody of his DD 14 for 6 years due to her mum having significant mental health issues. We went through hell and back with his woman, i was pregnant with our son and the stress was unreal.

Yes turn eiyeeyrywwrrr

Shelddd · 12/10/2021 18:33

I think its clear the marriage is over... but I think for you there is a case to be made to stick it out until you finish your school. Just cohabitate in the house but cut any intimacy, if you have a spare bedroom move into it. Don't get engage in any arguments, just shut off emotionally from the relationship.

Of course leaving is a very good option as well but no matter what do not leave school! that's not an option.

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