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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Resentment Help

13 replies

Mummykins54 · 08/10/2021 18:55

I am in process of separating from a very moody, controlling man who would go into moods constantly during our 23 year marriage in front of the kids.

He now has a rented house and dd and ds aged 18 and 20 have been going there for overnights between 2-3 nights. A year ago they would have happily waved him out the door but now they are getting on better which is good, but I am filled with resentment.

Like tonight dd has been there since Wed and is staying again tonight. He has been giving ds aged 20 lifts even picking him up at 4am from nightclubs when he used to give me a hard time from giving him a lift anywhere when we were together.

He is acting like mr perfect dad and the kids seem to have forgotten the moods, the wasted Christmas days - I could go on.

How do I overcome this resentment - I dont want to lose my kids to him with his what is most definately game playing.

I am so fragile emotionally and this is making it worse. A year ago they would have kicked him out the door.

I know this sounds immature but I am really upset - I have been there for them through our whole marriage and now he seems like the preferrred choice. Could run away

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 08/10/2021 18:57

It’s often the way that kids see more of their dad once parents are separated than when together (in my experience) and have more “quality time” with them. Try and be pleased that your kids finally have the dad they deserve. Easier said than done I know

coodawoodashooda · 08/10/2021 19:03

When you find out then please tell me. Im 8 years on.

Twillow · 08/10/2021 19:08

God this could be me.
It won't last.
Disney dad syndrome trying to convince himself nothing was his fault and desperate to be liked.
Prepare yourself for the long haul where he flits between this behaviour and being an arsehole.
It's really hard, because on one hand you know it's better for them to have a positive relationship with their father, but on the other hand, you're constantly scared when they're with him because you know the mask will slip at some point.
Advice? Try to grow a thick skin. Don't let him take advantage and just do fun things. Get him to take them shopping (think buying school shoes type thing, though yours are older). Look after yourself and plan nice things for you when they are away. Don't use the time to do chores, not all of it anyway. Your kids will also respect you more for having an independent life. Try not to slag him off to them, this is reaaaally hard sometimes but it hurts them to hear it even when they know it's justified. He is one part of theirselves. And good luck.

Twillow · 08/10/2021 19:09

@coodawoodashooda

When you find out then please tell me. Im 8 years on.
I feel your pain!
Original poster
Mummykins54 · 08/10/2021 19:22

@Twillow I find it so hard not to slag him off - he has put all through hell. A year ago my kids wanted him gone now hes their best pals - I feel sick. He also earns more money than me so no financial worries

OP posts:
Twillow · 08/10/2021 19:30

[quote Mummykins54]@Twillow I find it so hard not to slag him off - he has put all through hell. A year ago my kids wanted him gone now hes their best pals - I feel sick. He also earns more money than me so no financial worries[/quote]
Oh very much agree. And similar financially - 'poor him' claiming to struggle to maintain his (massive) house while eating frequent takeaways, yet funding sweet Fanny Adams for the children while I scrimp and sell old clothes on ebay to make ends meet.
"Why is it so cold here, dad's house is always boiling!"

Just remember in their minds children do crave whatever their 'ideal' of a parent is. The mind is clever at deceiving our conscious brains, usually to prevent us from mental pain.
Try writing your anger down. And be kind to yourself. Don't waste too much of your mental energy on it.

coodawoodashooda · 08/10/2021 20:21

He is still a dick though.

freeatlast2021 · 08/10/2021 20:51

I know what you mean. I have 16, 20 and 23 yo living with me. Technically only the 16yo has to have visitations with her father. However, he did not want to have scheduled visitations. He literally said, kids can come whenever they want.Shock In the beginning, nobody was going over, of course, young people of that age do not want to hang out with their parents. He was then complaining to them that they do not care about him. I was so mad that he was making them feel bad for what was his fault really. As it is his responsibility to maintain relationships with the kids. But then, somehow, he established a regular, Sunday night movies and pizza at his place and now all of them go, more or less regularly.

This makes me so mad. First of all, the youngest should be spending more time with him and not just having fun but doing something useful too. With the older ones, he actually gets to spend more time with then I do. In our house, I only see them at the dinner table (which I cherish), so to eat a meal that I make, or if I need to pick them up or drop them off, but with dad they get to have a few hours of fun. I know that I should be happy for them to have a relationship with their father (btw before he left he barely did anything with or for them), but I feel jealous. I really do.

MoiraNotRuby · 08/10/2021 22:14

I'm a couple of years behind you but apart from that it sounds familiar and I can imagine being in the same situation. So far my only coping mechanism is to bite my lip when around children and then wholeheartedly slag him off to understanding patient friends.

I hope it gets better soon OP.

Twillow · 09/10/2021 20:30

Been trying to think of an equivalent for buying school shoes (my personal hell) to inflict on him...maybe driving lessons?

Whatinthelord · 09/10/2021 20:35

No advice, because it’s just hard.
Maybe finding a focus outside the situation would help. Something like a new hobby or club to attend?

Also maybe just keep telling yourself that their good relationship will either last, in which case it’s great for your kids that they now get on with him, or it’ll decline again. You just need to maintain yourself through it.

SammyScrounge · 10/10/2021 01:12

OP, I promise you your sons have not forgotten all the unpleasant times - they have merely shelved them. They will enjoy his 'courtship' and his sudden generosity but youngsters are not easily fooled. That walking-on -eggs feeling they used to have

around him is still there no matter how he tries to change his image. They are old enough to know he is trying to buy them.
Try not to become agitated over his game playing.

evrey · 10/10/2021 08:35

I also feel your pain, although my kids are younger . All of a sudden behaving like dad of the year , whilst showing no interest in the kids whilst we were together.
It's just a mind game tho , and he won't be able to keep it up forever if it's not his true personality.

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