Is separation worth it in my situation?

[Whatsmeusername]

I'm 33, a mother of 2 young DCs and have been in an unhappy relationship with their father since the birth of DC2 4 years ago.

I think it would be fair to say that I have the ick. I find him a bit repulsive really- he doesn't take care of himself, is loud and unaware of himself, I find his conversation mundane and draining as he yacks on about boring details about his work. He doesn't listen to me at all, isn't really interested in me. I struggle to share a bed with him because of loud snoring since he piled on weight, he's unambitious and has no direction in his life, leaves all the planning and mental load to me but will then be obstructive and awkward. I think he's passive aggressive and quietly feels contempt for me.

He has also acted selfishly when DCs were babies, going out with friends when I was unwell and struggling or when DCs were sick. I just don't think he has my back. But DCs and I don't even know his friends as he keeps them very separate from us.

But he never shouts, never argues, never tells me what to do. Despite him, I have a nice house and a nice life. I do however worry about how is unhealthy choices influence mine and DCs. I love being a mum and don't like being away from DCs for long periods so dread the thought of shared custody.

I'm certainly not in love with him. Sex happens once every couple of months- sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes wish it had never happened. Sometimes we go out as a couple and I enjoy his company but mostly I find him a bore who drinks too much. He's also 10 years older than me and I don't want to spend my life being his carer at some point because of the unhealthy choices he's made.

I find myself dreaming about an ex boyfriend most nights, craving the sort of love and connection that I experienced with him.

I've realised that I don't like my DP as a person, what he stands for, his values. The fact that we never married after our surprise DC1 pregnancy when we always said we would and he kept making excuses not to. I'd love to marry someone lovely one day. But know it may never happen and can't separate for this reason.

All of this aside, we never really argue and life isn't all that bad overall. He's a fairly good Dad too. We tried relationship counselling but he gave up and said it wasn't for him, also complaining about the expense.

I see many stories here about how hard it is to separate- the stress and worry. In my situation, is it worth it?

To add, I have no family support.

Also, to clarify I've been in a relationship qith DP for 10 years, unhappily for 4.

If you dont work, you need to start looking for a job straight away

The worst part if my separation was the divorce. Which you don't need.

You are unhappy. You clearly don't like hi at all and it's not good for your kids, being in that environment.

Whose name is on the house? Is it rented or mortgaged?

By advice would be to get the financed sorted and separate as soon as you can. It can be stressful and difficult but, ime, not as bad as living in a bad relationship.

Mortgage is shared 50/50.
I do work but part time since DC2 but he begins school next September which creates some opportunity for more working. I wouldn't change deciding to work part time after DC2- I had to for my MH but I know it has made me financially vulnerable. It's a risk I had to take.

Are you married? Home owner?

When you're working, can provide for the kids (financially) ?

Ahh can see the answers above. Would the house be sold? Is there enough equity in the property to help you get set up elsewhere?

Can you afford to take the mortgage on? Or better to sell?

You need to make that decision. Also look into childcare to see if you can up your working hours sooner. All so look at a benefits calculator to see how much financial help, if any you would get.

You're not married, this will make it so much easier if you do separate. You sound utterly miserable, I would get your eggs in a row and get out

Hmm you need to think about happens next. If your DH has contempt for you and can’t be arsed to try and improve the marriage then he may leave for someone else. I think you need to plan for that. What happens if he leaves in 14 years time when he nolonger has to pay maintenance. How would you feel? Or worse he doesn’t and you spend the rest of your life with a man who gives you the ice.

A good Dad doesn’t leave a Mum who is struggling with sick kids to go out. If you don’t know his friends how come? Are they new friends or have you just never met his friends?

The house would need to be sold and I'd be left with a 50k (or more) deposit for a new house. I've checked and I can borrow 100k to buy a new home for me and DCs on my current earnings.

I'm also entitled to some benefits on my current earnings and CMA from DP of around £500 per month, provided he doesn't try for 50/50 custody but I doubt he will as he's moving in with his parents should we separate.

What does a 150k property look like where you live? How much would that change if you worked full time? Don’t forget to look at the cost of childcare.

Are you actually on the deeds of the house or just named on the mortgage? The first gives you some money, the second means bigger all beyond you having a huge debt to the bank. It sounds like a no brainier from what you’ve said, though. And no help from family, but your ex will still be their father - is he likely to remain involved?

150k is a 2 bed semi where I live but I will be able to borrow more when I increase my work hours next year and hopefully push to a 3 bed.
I'm on the deeds etc, all is equal on the mortgage. We own it 50/50.

DP will definitely be involved as will his parents.

Don't count on the maintenance!

But you do have to leave as your misery is palpable from your op.

It sounds like you are in a very shape financially. Since you have tried your best to make the relationship work and it just isnt, i would leave once your youngest starts school.

Separating is not easy, but oh my gosh don't stay! There is so much more to life, I promise x