New partner an issue - how to proceed?

[NosyJosie]

My ex married the ow and since our divorce several years ago she has had a strong opinion about me and often airs this in front dd.
Him and I communicate only on urgent matters albeit he has taken a while to get used to a contact book arrangement.
During an urgent school matter my dd called him and she picked up and took over the conversation. This happens a LOT. The conversation turned bad and she has since texted dd to explain that they are loved, more so by them than me because I am “too busy to parent”. This also happens a LOT. if there is the slightest whiff that I have plans or doing something interesting, like work, it gets turned into a “bad mother” comment.
I’ve tried to broach this with xh but as he used “we” when discussing anything and she reads and writes (!) his emails, I no longer know who I am speaking to.
Dd doesn’t care as she is old enough at 15 to make her own mind up but it’s tiring.
How do I get rid of her and her sanctimonious 1950s opinions?

How do I get rid of her and her sanctimonious 1950s opinions?

You can’t. You just realise that they don’t have to affect you. They’re opinions, not facts. Decide not to care what some other person thinks about you. Liberate yourself. Ignore any and all contact that isn’t about arranging contact for your daughter with her father. Tbh, at 15, she can arrange that herself with him so you should have minimal communication with him.

What she thinks of you doesn’t matter and the less contact you have you with your ex the better.

Is DD happy with the contact she has with her father? Why do you need a contact book when she’s 15? She’s plenty old enough to liaise with her dad by herself, how often do urgent things occur?

As you’re not talking to your ex about urgent things to do with DD how is it his wife knows anything about your life? Who does either of them know details of your work or your plans?

Who’s telling you she thinks you’re a bad mother?

@AnneLovesGilbert dd gets questioned. So far example of I’ve asked to change a weekend, there’ll be questions about what I’m doing, question about my partner, who is over if he calls and dd says we have guests.
Something happened when I was at work the other day = bad mother comments. She texted me from his phone several times. Easy to spot as her grammar sucks.
If I get dd something they don’t approve of, it gets commented on. So on and on and on.

The ow sounds very insecure- as long as your daughter knows to ignore the comments, I wouldn't give it/ her any attention.

By the time I was 15 my parents didn't have any contact. I decided who I wanted to see and when and asked if I needed a lift to the other parents etc. Is it possible for you to no longer have any contact with the ex?

Oh my goodness how tiring op.
You have far more patience than me I would start doing the same to them but I'm an arse like that.
Agree with others that your daughter could start sorting out her own arrangements with them and then you can cut all but emergency contact .

I think this would be a huge problem if your dd was younger but not so much of one as she's 15. I would avoid saying negative stuff about your ex's wife and just try to keep things neutral. Which might be tricky!

You are just going to have to have to ignore all the comments I think. It's only for a couple more years until your dd is an adult. Maybe she will lose interest.

"Dd doesn’t care as she is old enough at 15 to make her own mind up"

Doesnt she? How do you know. She is a teen. It could potentially be really hurting her to hear her stepmum saying shit about her mum all the time. Or the very least irritating. (And the fact that her own dad let's the stepmum even say it...?!)

Why do you put up with it? Very toxic for your dd this environment. I would have lost my temper ages ago.

Your DD might not seem to care now, but this kind of behaviour is damaging to a child.

The good thing is if you rise above it & do your best to ignore it then it will be them that has the fallout later down the line when she is old enough to reflect on her adolescence & process her feelings - which will change over time.

I would do my best to avoid changing the visitation weekends. It sounds like you aren’t able to amicably co-parent with these people. I get things happen but if you can reduce changes to the routine it will be less of a stick to beat you with.

I’m sure you would dislike it if yo ur ex was changing weekend visitation because they had other plans coming up.

I’d encourage your girl to get a job, live her life & support her dreams/goals/independence… Just keep doing that & your truth will shine in the end.

Kids love their parents & she can try to say they love her more but it’s doubtful if you’re a good mum that your girl can ever love OW like she does you.

I'd be interested to hear the version of events from the dad and his wife.

How your ex runs his contact time and his household is up to him really. If he wants his wife to have input into decisions he makes, that is perfectly reasonable IME. I don't think it's unreasonable of him to use "we" in emails. I wonder if you're a bit insecure because she was the OW?

Back away. At 15 dd can see him when she wants...
He has no need to message you. And neither does his dw..