Separation after 20 years together, 2 dc

[Igiorni42]

We’ve been together since 2000, bought house together in 2003, had 2 kids 2007 and 2008, married in 2009.

Dh brought about 90k into our first joint house purchase in 2003. I had about 15k savings that I contributed. He is very insistent that he wants to ‘protect his investment’ we’re we to split, so I assume that the equity will be 15:90, ie 1:6 in his favour :(

I’ve been a sahm (through mutual agreement) since 2007. I’ve built up a self employed, seasonal and part time income to work around school hours. I was planning to return to ‘proper’ work sooner but our eldest is sen so i ended up wfh, when I could, around their school hours. I earn about 16k per year. He earns nearer 90k, plus bonuses.

So ive been out of the workplace for over 14 years. I have a lot of academic qualifications (masters degree and a professional qualification) but absolutely no recent experience. I applied for an admin assistant job and didn’t even get an interview :(

We have about 550-600k equity in our house. Which seems like a lot, but you can barely get a 3 bed terrace for less than 400k in our area. I can’t move areas, as I’d never in a million years get ds (sen) into such a good school as he is in at the moment.

Am I unreasonable to ask that stbx dh gets a mortgage of, say 450k against the family home. This, plus our savings, would enable him to be a cash buyer for a reasonable 3 bed house. In return, I’d ask him to pay the mortgage on the family home for 5-6 years, so the kids and I could (just about) manage to stay here till they leave for uni. I think I’d be able to get benefits on my variable self employed income, as I am restricted with working hours due to ds’ sen (he gets dla).

When the kids are settled at uni (5-6years time) I’ll sell the house, dh can pay off his mortgage and I’ll take what is left and buy a flat somewhere cheaper.

Does this sound reasonable? Dh is convinced I’m trying to fleece him :(

“Fair” after your length of marriage and your working/childcare arrangements has absolutely nothing to do with who put what in which pot when. You both worked hard for your family unit - one of you happened to get paid more for what you did than the other. Did you say “all that I have I share with you” in your vows, or similar?

How would you feel if the £ roles were reversed? Would you want to see him struggling to house and feed himself and your children while you swanned off with a barrel load of cash and a cushy pension? Would you think that was fair?

You have joint equity of £700k+. See a lawyer but start by thinking the baseline is a 50:50 split of that with wriggle room depending on child living arrangements and your SEN child’s future care needs, I would imagine.

And I would imagine a family court would refuse any 90:15 split given your circumstances anyway.

@Igiorni42 but if there isn’t a legal document that says he gets his 90K back when the house is sold then what each of you brought into the relationship is irrelevant.

The starting point is 50:50 and that is what the courts see as fair in a long marriage. A good solicitor will advise you that.

You need to account for all the joint assets - house, car, pensions and savings (less the debts) and then to be split half and half. Depending on where the children spend the majority of their time you might also expect to receive child support and potentially spousal support.

It's really important that you don't impoverish yourself and the courts will not approve a settlement that does that. It's fair and reasonable to split 50:50. Don't be hoodwinked.

Why are you so worried about 'fleecing' him?! He's trying to fleece you!

Please recognise your worth and take what you're entitled to which at a minimum is half, but likely more.

Wake up op!

Well sorry but if you are married then it's its his tough shit. You gave up a career to raise his kids and he would not have been able to work if you hadn't done that. He will have to lump "being fleeced".
This is why I'm not married, because I have no plans anytime soon to give half of my house and 40 year NHS pension to a man. It's for my DS.

Also you are 48, how are you going to save up a pension and get a very well paid job before retirement? You need somewhere to live.

@Bouledeneige I have found where I can calculate child support, I think I’d get about £700 per month. But would I get that if he was having to pay the huge mortgage on the family home that we’d have to take out to buy him a home for me and the kids to stay in?

I’ve not heard of spousal support, what is that?

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Also you are 48, how are you going to save up a pension and get a very well paid job before retirement? You need somewhere to live.

I have no idea. But I’m not as money focussed as dh is. I’d be happy to be mortgage free and healthy. I suppose I’m being naive,

You are being naive. This is your, and your DC's future financial stability you are talking about. His stance so far, I want my £90k back and I'm going to quit my job so I don't have to pay maintenance, shows that clearly. Listen to @MrsBertBibby and speak to good family law solicitor.

You are being played.
He is way, way ahead of you in this game.

He has successfully made you the cause of the breakup.
He has made sure he has future childcare sorted through you I.e. you haven't even broached him having the kids 50/50 and he's already made plans for you to live with them.
And he has made sure he can FIRE (financial independence retire early) with reduced childcare and mortgage costs.
So he doesn't need to work.

All he needs to do now is make sure you understand this is all your fault and give you enough emotional burden so you take the hit and he's golden.

Get a family lawyer. At least find out what you are getting yourself into. He sounds like he has already got legal advice or at least tax advice.

@MoveAhoy you are right - im not sure if he is intentionally putting me as the reason for the break up, but whatever the reason it’s bound to be my fault :(

How can I afford the costs of a family lawyer? We paid £400 for 90 mins with a mediator and, tbh, i think it wasn’t worth it (she wanted to write down everything we agreed on. But she typed so slowly!)

It's not about fleecing him, it's about ensuring your kids' financial security. My mum didn't want an acrimonious divorce and just agreed to whatever my dad made her believe was fair - complete myth - and it's made life really hard for us whilst his new family had shedloads of money.

Get a lawyer, protect yourself and the kids. Especially if your SEN kid could benefit from some financial security in the future.

The most likely outcome is that you will need to sell the family home, split the remaining equity and get two smaller properties. But this will all depend on how much equity you will have and how much you will both be able to borrow. It might be that you get a larger share if you don’t have the potential to raise a significant mortgage. You will very likely have to get work - you can’t expect him to pay all the bills. This is why you need good legal advice.

Spousal support is support for your spouse - ie you. With the caveat that the courts expect you to contribute by supporting yourself snd your children as far as possible.

Do you have access to the school gate or other mums physically somehow?
I'd ask them. Have always found a few this way.
Also look at the CVs of the school governors. One is bound to be in the legal profession of some sort and they can give recommendations or pointers to financial aid or lawyers who will give reasonable advice in the free hour. Most just waste your time in that hour. You may be able to get someone to call in a favour for you but you are going to have to do leg work or find cash. It won't be easy but you can't do nothing in this case.

Get this straight, he doesn't want to split because he knows you will get 50% of the equity minimum. He refuses to communicate and is trying to make you live and the DC live in an awful atmosphere yet the divorce is your fault

Nope he is responsible for his behaviour and attitude.

If the reality is that your DS needs pretty much 24/7 supervision then you need more than 50% of the equity and his needs should be taken into account as part of the settlement as it limits your capacity to work.

Hopefully at 48 he can't draw his pension down.

You need an experienced family lawyer that is successful in favourable outcomes for people in your type of circumstances- that's a shit hot lawyer, not necessarily some expensive big name etc. You can usually pay out of the divorce settlement and you can actually request that he pays for your legal fees although he may contest that too.

It seems all he cares about his money, didn't carr about trying to save the relationship or about DS welfare.

55 is the earliest draw down age for most pensions.

You need a family solicitor ASAP.

The starting point for long marriages is 50/50. His original 90k into to the house purchase is immaterial now. Everything; house, pensions, ISAs, cars, premium bonds etc all go into the pot. Out of that pot you both need to be housed. It may not be the family home. That is hard as emotionally you are invested but he is has checked out perhaps some time ago if he has been putting money into his pension. He may think what he earns and his pension are his but until you are divorced they are joint assets.

The key to all of this is that he is no longer your friend. He only has his interests at heart.

As far as I'm aware he is too young to draw down his pensions but it will come round and if you are not divorced you really are stuck. See a family solicitor. I got more than 50/50 as I had been a SATM and supported his career.

Sounds like he's threatening to ditch his job to avoid maintenance as well?

As others have said you need a good family lawyer
It’s unlikely he’ll be expected to pay the mortgage on fmh ( in longer term)and cms as he also has to house himself
As he’s 48 he’ll also not necessarily be able to borrow 450k either
You’re probably going to need to sell the house and split the equity. See a solicitor who can advise on your likely range of outcomes but you’ll need to factor in all assets and debts in order to do so

@CandyLeBonBon

Sounds like he's threatening to ditch his job to avoid maintenance as well?

Yes, I thought that too.

I've no better advice than has already been given. But just to reinforce what others - including MrsBertBibby has said (do listen to her!).

You need some good advice. Please see a solicitor. I know you say you can't afford it but go and see one for an initial appointment, hopefully there is a way to arrange for the bill to come out of the settlement (that's what a friend did).

As others have said, you have to get your thinking round to the fact that your contribution has been just as valid. And after 20 years there is no way really he can protect the money he put in, it's a marital asset.

Please, please, please take professional advice. It really sounds as if your husband is trying to manipulate you at every turn.

Your husba d and situation sounds almost identical to mine. I'm likely to end up with an unequal share as my husband is accusing me of being a selfish bully, fleecing him, destroying the family, causing us to commit financial suicide and he is also telling me he will leave his job at the end of the year. I am now hugely worried that the family home which we both love and want to keep for the children to live in for at keast another 3 to 4 years will be lost due to a forced sale - which will be all my fault too!! I feel trapped and held to ransom. Divorce been going on for 2 and a half years and yet should, on paper, be simple. Btw, you can't have one solicitor representing the 2 of you - it's one each. Feel totally drained & knackered by mine!! Hope you get the advice you need..

@HulaChick do not feel bullied into accepting less than half. Accept it needs to go to court and save your money for a direct access barrister to represent you.

Let the house go, go need somewhere affordable to live especially if he quits his job. I hope he is too young to draw down his pension!!

Your contribution to the marriage is as valuable as your H’s.
You need to get as much of the equity and pensions as you possibly can in case he is a dick and actually does leave his job to avoid paying maintenance.