Advice please - stories of hope if you have any:

[madethisaccountforthistopic]

I am very lost right now:

We have two small children, a house with a dependent relative and a rocky marriage.

He's an amazing Dad but since the kids, the relationship hasn't been the same. He isn't loving, he's critical and often hurtful. He doesn't mean it but it drags me down.

I tried to have 'the discussion' with him, asked for couples counselling - but he said no. I go to private therapy alone - it's helping me a lot, but he doesn't like me going I don't think - he'll ask about my sessions and then belittle any advice/techniques I've been given.

When we have company - he acts like we're good - but the reality is, when we're alone we're like strangers. I really loved him, but now I just feel numb. We're sometimes intimate, but it's not loving. If we go to an event with friends, he leaves me alone and goes and socialises with others - leaves me sat with other couples - we aren't a team anymore. Just feel like coparents - we're not even friends I don't think.

He's sat right now, away from me. I'm trying to fix things, having kids is a strain. I've tried date nights (out and at home), remembering important dates, making effort with family and friends and I get nothing back. If I was to decline to see his family/friends I'd get hassle for it - but when my family visits, he disappears and if I say anything 'I'm horrible'. But he doesn't support me or try to act as a couple.

He goes out every weekend for sports, but if I ask for an hour to myself, I'm 'selfish' and I don't think about the kids or them. If I then argue that he gets to play sports 'I'm horrible' and 'controlling'.

I can't win and I'm tired. I know couples go through rough patches and I've tried so hard to move past it and try to relight the spark we once had, but he doesn't even try. Not at all.
His attempt at trying is sex, yet he never kisses me goodbye, gives me a hug or asks how my day was - yet he expects that from me 'at least you could ask about my day' he says.

He's unreliable, full of false promises and purposefully doesn't do things because he wants me too. The team work has gone and yet I'm still trying because I love him. I just don't like him anymore.

What do I do?

An additional note: I thought I was sad all the time and not myself - but I'm literally only like this in his company.

I feel like I can't have fun anymore, but I do, just not with him.

Basically - it's obvious. But to separate would affect the kids, him and his relative (selling the house).

So I feel I need to stay to people please. But my sadness and feeling of loss is unsustainable. I'm losing who I am day by day.

Please help.

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds beyond saving. He doesn't seem to like you? You deserve so much better than this

@Hibiscusroses It really feels that way. I feel like we're in limbo and I'm exhausted trying.

it is really difficult. The fact you have somewhere to take this in real life is good. I would keep your sessions private from your husband. I always found counselling to be a time to talk myself to feeling empowered to square up to difficult situations without feeling I was the one to ‘blame’.

You might need to consider divorce, but in the first instance you might need to be clear whether your husband is overwhelmed by fatherhood so is in ‘fight and flight’ mode. Or whether your husband is a bully.

Using counselling to see that you have a problem to solve rather than you being the problem will enable you to feel confident whether you choose to stay in the relationship or remove yourself from the relationship.

Honestly, it sounds like it could be abusive. I know that will be a shock to hear and you won't want to think, or believe, it...but him calling you selfish etc ISN'T NORMAL.

What you do, is get yourself some individual counselling and go from there. Do not do joint counselling with this man, it wouldn't be recommended.

Wishing you well x