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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Struggling with ex husbands behaviour. Feeling really angry and emotional.

17 replies

mummymayhem18 · 02/10/2021 18:15

Basically the divorce went through about 2 months ago.
Just found out yesterday by accident that my ex husband has already got a new girlfriend and that he has introduced our 15 year old daughter to her already so they must have been seeing each other for awhile or are just racing ahead 🤷🏼‍♀️. The bit I'm upset about is that he didn't tell me that he had a girlfriend or that he was going to introduce our daughter to her. If it had just been the two of us then completely none of my business but as we have a daughter together the polite and decent thing would have to of said to me " I just thought I'd let you know in case you hear it from anyone else that I'm seeing someone ".
He certainly should have checked with me first to say she was going to meet a complete stranger to her.
I suppose I'm also scared if she really gets on well with the new person and then starts wanting to spend more time there than with me. It's been a complete shock. I knew he would at some point but not before the ink is barely dry on the divorce papers 🤣. We had been together 19 years.

OP posts:

bloodyxbox · 02/10/2021 19:19

How long ago did you separate ? Also as hard as it is and yes would have been common courtesy to tell you I imagine he didn't think he needed to

Original poster

mummymayhem18 · 02/10/2021 21:09

@bloodyxbox we separated and all moved out at the beginning of May. Divorce was finalised in July. I'm sure if the ball had been on the other foot then he wouldn't of been very happy. Like you say if we didn't share a child then none of my business but as we do and she would be involved then he should have mentioned it. He's always been a bit spineless though. I mean expecting your teenage daughter to tell you instead is pretty poor. But hey ho I need to get past this. Just feeling really angry at the moment though especially as we had in depth discussions about doing everything amicably.
Thanks for taking the time to reply 😊

OP posts:

bloodyxbox · 02/10/2021 22:53

My god that is very quick - I honestly was expecting it to have been a longer separation and agree very spineless and obviously so
When my ex does something like that (not as bad though) I try and let it wash over me and thank the lord I don't have to deal with him anymore
Sorry you are having a rough time but I completely get why you would feel that way
This whole separating / divorce thing is a minefield, good luck.

Stars1979 · 03/10/2021 00:31

Yes he should have but I have come to realise from my situation you just can't control what others do even if you would have done things differently......mention it to your ex if you think it will change anything in any future communication or you are concerned about anything else but if your daughter is ok, i would just leave it. Just be supportive to your daughter. You will feel some hurt too I am sure its never nice even you know the divorce was the right thing.

unicornsarereal72 · 03/10/2021 09:21

You are still thinking that he is a reasonable person who holds some loyalty towards you. Sadly you are old news and in My case the enemy

Yes it would of been reasonable to tell you. At least you know now how the land lies. When you too find someone else then you know that this information doesn't need to be shared.

My ex behaved very badly. Ow was at contact from day one. In the car at pick up and drop off and moved in with her. The kids were sleeping on their bedroom floor. In his mind his actions had no consequences. He learnt the hard way. The children went no contact. For this and many other reasons.

Just be the best parent you can be and let Him worry about his actions.

BingBongToTheMoon · 03/10/2021 09:32

Sorry but he can introduce absolutely anyone he deems fit to his daughter at any time and it’s nothing to do with you AS LONG as your DD is safe.
It is bloody quick though and I do appreciate how you must be feeling. As app said…..remember his actions if/when you meet someone yourself.

Strongerthanyouthink · 03/10/2021 13:05

This must be so hard and really hurtful. Part of divorce though is that we can't control the other person's behaviour. All you can control is your behaviour and give your child the home and environment you want. Ex's do shitty things and make shitty decisions, but that's normally why they are the ex!

Theunamedcat · 03/10/2021 13:12

Ignore it he is probably looking for a reaction my ds let it slip to me that his dad had a girlfriend he grilled him on his next visit did mum look sad? did she cry? was she upset? Ds mom laughed and said I told you so, cue shouty phone call from ex telling me to keep my nose "out of his business" I laughed harder and hung up

Its been six years of "co parenting" (or not) with this manchild im used to him and his parade by now

MopaniTree · 03/10/2021 13:16

Just comfort yourself with the fact that you are not married to someone so unreasonable anymore. You will always be your daughter's mum and a new girlfriend can never replace you.

Original poster

mummymayhem18 · 03/10/2021 15:57

@unicornsarereal72 that must have been horrible for you. I'm not interested in finding anyone else. I'm perfectly happy with my own company again and like not having to answer to anyone else.
Yes I have to try and hold my feelings down and just be the best mum I can be for my daughter.
I'm dreading Thursday as we are both supposed to be meeting with our daughter for a taster evening at the college here she hopes to start at next year. It's going to be sooo awkward now. It would have been anyway but more so now that this has happened. Fingers crossed it goes ok. 🤞. Thanks for your reply.

OP posts:

Original poster

mummymayhem18 · 03/10/2021 16:05

Thanks everyone else for your replies. I knew this would happen at some point obviously but wasn't expecting it to happen within a couple of months. I suppose nothing prepares you and then your reaction to it. I had tried to be so nice as we had both said to our daughter all together that not much would change for her and we were being amicable etc.
I even said to him to save any potential arguing that he could have her this first Christmas. Now I'm regretting that because if this new woman is there on Christmas Day then she will get to see my daughter on Christmas Day opening her presents etc and her own mum won't. I get again this would possibly happen one day but wasn't prepared for it to happen straightaway.
You don't think when you get married that things could end up like this do you?

OP posts:

Suitcaseseverywhere · 03/10/2021 16:08

Honestly it’s none of your business.

I wouldn’t tell my ex and he’s become known as TMWHR aka The Man Who Has Rights coz he has said he should be told about anyone I’m dating.

Theunamedcat · 03/10/2021 18:21

@mummymayhem18

Thanks everyone else for your replies. I knew this would happen at some point obviously but wasn't expecting it to happen within a couple of months. I suppose nothing prepares you and then your reaction to it. I had tried to be so nice as we had both said to our daughter all together that not much would change for her and we were being amicable etc. I even said to him to save any potential arguing that he could have her this first Christmas. Now I'm regretting that because if this new woman is there on Christmas Day then she will get to see my daughter on Christmas Day opening her presents etc and her own mum won't. I get again this would possibly happen one day but wasn't prepared for it to happen straightaway. You don't think when you get married that things could end up like this do you?

Honestly she is 15 ask her where she wants to be she can split the day if she wants

Theunamedcat · 03/10/2021 18:23

Plus won't you see her opening your presents? You arnt doing joint are you? Because fuck that I did that one year what basically happened was I scrimped and saved bought gifts wrapped the gifts and he handed them over saying look what daddy bought you 🤔 I jumped in AND MUMMY he was like yes yes "and mummy" it was the last time we shared Christmas

rwalker · 03/10/2021 18:27

Unless he's introduced her as a new mum he's done nothing wrong. At 15 it would be worse him pretending he hasn't got a GF then her finding out .

Original poster

mummymayhem18 · 03/10/2021 19:01

@Theunamedcat the original plan was she stay with her dad Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and would then return here on Boxing Day which is when we would do our presents. Now I'm thinking she wake up here Christmas morning for us to open her presents and then I drop her off at his at lunchtime when I go to my mums. We do let her decide when she sees whichever one of us because of her age. She prefers to spend here over the weekends as it's nearer to town both in walking distance or bus and is handier for meeting her friends.She also spends more time here over the holidays if ex husband is working.

OP posts:

NosyJosie · 04/10/2021 13:34

So many men are keen to prove that they were right to get divorced and rush a new relationship. It doesn’t matter. You are done. Your daughter is 15 and will make up her own mind. Forget him, just be a good mum to her.

PS - we split Xmas and new year down the middle. None of this running back and forth. A bit crap when you don’t have the Xmas part but saves on drama and is best for the kids.

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