Struggling with no time to myself

[CosmicUnicorn]

Hi,

I’ve posted earlier about the stbx not declaring inheritance as a marital asset and not paying anything towards the costs of the kids (teens). He also hasn’t had the youngest stay over since we split earlier this year. The elder one is almost 18 and comes and goes between us, which is fine, but aim still paying his school costs and everything else (driving lessons etc.). His dad is feeding him when he is there. The younger one is refusing to go as she finds him boring. I am paying everything for her. I still haven’t claimed CM as aim living in the family home (mortgage free). He is pushing for 50% of the family home even though he has inherited another property from his father. As I requested a financial solicitor to be brought in, I am worried he will get half of my pension too (I’m the bigger earner and paid more into the family pot throughout our marriage).
His solicitor has written and said he is working overtime to increase his salary (as he is struggling without me propping him up) but this, plus the fact the youngest won’t go to his, means I get zero free time. I am working as a senior manager in the NHS so stressed out most days and rushing home for her getting in from school and then I have her every weekend. He took no school holidays off either! He is actually off this week - they are at school!
I have friends who have asked me out for a day at the weekend, a leaving meal I should be at tonight- I can’t go! I really thought childcare would be split at least 70/30 but no!
Have no parents alive. I’m not coping well at all as, even though I take her out, she is a typical moody teen and it’s pulling me down. I’m worried it will have an impact on me at work. I will need to get a mortgage once a financial settlement is in place so need to keep the salary I’m on!
I really didn’t expect to feel trapped. I love her to bits but he is getting loads of freedom and I’m getting none and my mental health is shot!

Didn't want to read and run. Just wanted to say, I'm sorry things are so tough. Sounds like there are two issues, one being the financial stuff and that will take time and negotiations, he may well be entitled to a part of your pension (horrid I know). And secondly, the time issue. Could you maybe try and persuade your daughter to spend some time with her Dad? Unless there is a good reason not to, it's important that they have some sort of relationship. And if it's hard to get out, you could maybe invite people over and get them to bring bits for dinner etc... at least it might make you feel as though you get to have some fun!

CM is completely separate from the other aspects of your divorce. One doesn't negate the other.

How old is your youngest? Mine is ten and can be left for a few hours here and there. If your eldest is 18 I'm sure they would be happy to over see your youngest if you have plans.

Don't rely on your ex for childcare purposes. That is when 'games' start. Make your own arrangements. Would she go and stay over with friends for a night?

She is 13. I am encouraging her to spend time with him but she just doesn’t want to. I’m worried she will lose the relationship between them.
I asked her if she’d go there one night during the week so I could stay back at work one night and she just said she’ll stay at home on her own.

At 13 she can be left alone for a few hours while you go out?

I don’t like leaving her too long. I feel guilty leaving her too. I have done to nip to shops etc. but I’d like a break overnight.

Op, there seems to be 2 problems.

Finances. Its all one big pot really. With him being a lower earner, you may find he does get a big portion. So tread carefully and take time to understand your position an decisions. But its joint assets, including your pension and the house. I am guessing his father's house isn't worth enough to negotiate him keeping that and you keeping your house AND all of your pension.

As for time for yourself. You are stressed so you are there every day when she gets in. At 13 she could let herself in. Even if it's just some days. Sounds like you need to slow down. She isn't a baby.

My oldest doesn't go to her dad's. The youngest rarely goes now. I know what ots like. But right now, you need to work with what you have. Pushing dd to go spend nights at his so you have alone time isn't really going work and will make her feel worse. Its a stressful time for all of you. A teenager will struggle if they feel both parents don't really care. And I know you do care. But their perception can be different.

If you really can't leave her for a day or she doesn't have friends she could spend the day with. You may need to accept you can't have days out and evenings away until she has got used to being alone, sometimes.

Its not really fair. But it's how it's worked out. I learned its best to ignore what's fair and what's not and just deal with the situation as is.

You really should be able to go out for a meal now she is 13. So start building her up to be left. Try and set some boundaries about you having alone time. Even if it's starts with 'I am having a bath. You need to entertain yourself'.

As a single parent, especially, when first finding your footing you have to grab half an hour or an hour where you can. Rather than when you want.

But soon she will be ok more on her own, want to spend more time with friends or doing her own thing and your time alone will come. My kids are similar ages and ots so much easier, now, than it was 5 years ago. It will get easier

At 13 she is definitely ok to be left alone at home for a couple of hours after school.. Does she have special needs?. You can keep encouraging ger to visit him but dont rely on it. Also you could ask your older one to keep an eye on younger once in a while so you can go out. Maybe pay a bit of cash to make it more enticing they are both old enough

Can you elder one help you by watching the younger?

As far as maintenance, as you earn more I doubt much is payable, put the figures into the calculator and see for one child as your eldest comes and goes he won't count. It's your choice to pay for the gs like driving lessons, sounds like your ex can't afford such things. Ongoing cm is nothing to do with the asset split

As far as a split, it's a case of everything in the pot and work out a fair settlement. As you both have houses I suspect it's a case of each keep a house and split other assets if they are roughly equal. From your brief details it sounds like 50/50 is likely to be fair

Also apply for child maintenance . It doesnt matter if you are in the family home.

What about selling it to your daughter as a bit of freedom. Go to the leaving meal but let your daughter have a sensible friend over for pizza and TV time

He is pushing for 50% of the family home even though he has inherited another property from his father

Are you not better off trying to apply for CMS regardless OP?

At 13 I'm not sure what you mean by overnight break OP surely it shouldn't be an issue at this stage as your DD is 13.

Also I forgot to ask... does your eldest have a job? I would mention maybe they can pay for their own driving lessons.

When I was 13 I was babysitting half the neighbours kids (not that long ago) whilst their parents went for dinner. She's old enough to stay home alone for a bit

Can't you just ask the older one to 'stay home' one evening if you want to go out? Too many parents seem afraid of 'offending' their older DC but surely it's not an unreasonable request? I have younger DBs and if my parents were out it was made clear that I was expected to stay in ... didn't happen that often but it's part of being a family and supporting each other.

Whilst I would not leave a ten year old alone, at 13 you could encourage her independance a little. Would your older child stay in with her whilst you go out?
You may be the higher earner, but his inheritance will be considered a joint asset when it comes to a settlement in the end.
This happens so often, men swan off in to the sunset and lead a single life whilst women are left at home with the children and responsibilities, so nothing change for them.
Happened to me, I was left with two children and an ex who saw them every couple of weeks for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon.
My life revolved round my children and responsibilities and having given up my career when they were little to be a sahm I was not in the position to return to it.
I never managed to work full time, but got by with supply teaching and child maintenance so I did not struggle so much as you with time for myself but I was certainly cash poor. I felt that I needed to be around a lot for them as they were in their early teens. My eldest became quite tricky when he started 6th form and the freedom it gave him...as in not attending.
It has paid off as both achieved a 1st class degree in their chosen subjects at uni and they have now gone off in to the world.
I put my life on hold for them, now I will have to work until retirement age. I cannot regret it, but some men get off so easily.

If she’s 13 it’s not really ‘childcare’ as such, it’s contact/visitation with her father, and if she doesn’t want it you can’t force it.

However, you don’t need to feel guilty about staying later at work, saying you won’t be doing much one weekend because you need to relax (make yourself as ‘boring’ as Dad), or asking your 18-yr-old to be responsible some evenings when you want to go out or work late. At 13, encourage your DD to arrange stuff with friends so you get a break. You’re not unreasonable to desire an overnight alone, but you must stop focusing on it to your detriment and change your own circumstances as far as possible without expectations from your ex - he’s clearly not interested in helping.

And echoing other, apply for CMS. It makes no difference that you’re in the family home and he’s not, and it won’t make a difference to the eventual settlement.

Make a deal with the 18-yr-old - continued funding of driving lessons etc if they take some responsibility for being around for younger sibling more e.g. a weekend day 1x a month and a regular weekday afternoon/evening?

Thanks all. I still have her and things are still the same. Her dad is actually off work all of next week but won’t have her.
The family home is mortgage free and he reckons he shouldn’t have to pay CMS as I’m living in it rent free whilst the divorce settlement is sorted out (I pay all the bills though as he just cleared off).
I will try and get the older one to help but he isn’t the ideal person as he is on the Xbox all he time (away from 6th form) and can get bad tempered with it so I don’t feel comfortable leaving her with him.
I find it tough - and lonely - not having any family around me. All parents are
RIP. I wish I could go to mum’s for a cuppa and chat some days but she isn’t there.
I ended my long (20+ years) marriage as it was dead in the water. He is a lot older than me and I regretted it so many years down the line. No connection, no attraction (from my side) and a sexless marriage of over a decade. Menopause made me less tolerant of my situation and so I acted on my feelings for the first time. I don’t regret it but he is making the children believe it is all my fault that we are no longer a family.

I really need a break. I deal with sh*t all day at work and am being undermined by someone who didn’t get the job I got. Plus, it isn’t my career as I had to give it up () so I could be home more for the kids!

I feel like I’m more unhappy than before but don’t want him back!!

I honestly, naively, thought we’d arrange a child contact arrangement between us so we both had a break! It hasn’t happened due to him working a lot at weekends (with his days off during the week - another reason why I ended the marriage) and the fact the girl doesn’t want to go to his.

You need to expect nothing from him. You can't make him parent. Or have contact. He is allowed to be flaky. You need to make your peace with this.

You have options your children aren't small. They can be left for periods of time. They can go on sleep overs with friends. You can pay baby sitters. Although my eldest would be mortified at this. You have choices.

You need to carve out time for you. Mine were younger when my ex left. Emptied the bank account and didn't pay child support. I didn't know if I could keep the house let alone get a life of my own. But I gave my self a few hours a week. Afternoon cuppa with a friend. Evening at a friends with the kids entertaining themselves. Or at home they got sent to their rooms early evening so I got an hours peace. I needed that time and space so made it happen.

Does your daughter go to guides. Dance lesson etc? Just 2 hours a week will give you a bit of head space.

Have you had legal advice about the finances?

CMS is separate to everything else. Put in a claim. It starts from the day you make the call and let them sort it out.

Don't listen to your ex anymore. Start getting proper advice from professionals. And take some control.

CosmicUnicorn so much of your situation is the same for me, I really do sympathise and understand those feelings. It is unfair and exhausting and lonely.

A couple of ideas that might help-
Encourage your DD to have friends round for a sleepover. I know it sounds like the opposite of what you want, and is more work for you, BUT they keep each other entertained and she should eventually get invited back for sleepovers at theirs. Most teens like Halloween but are too old for trick or treating so a Halloween sleepover might work.

Talk to her about a fictional friend or colleague that is worried about her 14 year old son never seeing his dad. See what advice she would have about it. I.e. change a few small details but talk to her about her own situation.

Remember your DC may seem on the outside like they believe your ex that this is all your fault... deep down they know its not the case. They just wish they could rely on both of you. Because they can only rely on you, they know they are safe to be a pita to you, because you unconditionally love them.

Good luck, you're not alone, and it won't always be like this. X

I understand how you feel, I'm in a similar situation where my 13 year old is with me most (but not all) of the time.

I've gradually got him to the point of being happy coming home to an empty house so I don't feel I have to rush home from work. Luckily I wfh a few days a week so it's not every night.

I leave him early evening a couple of times a week for an hour to go to the gym or go for a run. I do the same first thing at the weekend when he's still in bed.

I do the sleepover swap thing. If I get invited to something I want to go to (I won't leave him to go out for an evening yet) I ask one of his friends mum if he can stay with them and then have their child to stay on another weekend. Works well and friends are very sympathetic when they know you're trying to juggle everything.

I've started having friends round for dinner if I can't sort anything.

He does meet up with friends some Saturday afternoons now too.

These breaks mean we don't get on each other's nerves so much and do stuff together on the other evenings and at the weekends.

I think over the next year you'll start to see them maturing and wanting to do more of their own thing.

OP, have a look at the single parent app Frolo. There are lots of single parents in there and some really good supportive information is put on the site.lots of us single parents are in the same position. I would try getting your older dc to agree to look out for your dd a few hours a week to begin with and then maybe you can leave her for a few hours on her own as she is old enough.

Thanks all.
She is a quiet girl by nature which means she has found the sleepover thing awkward as she likes her space from her more outgoing friends. Her teacher phoned me a few weeks ago saying there had been an issue with two of her friends at school. We tried Brownies etc. when she was younger and she didn’t last long. I think she enjoys her own company (same as me) but it means she doesn’t socialise - at all.
I work from home 1-2 days a week so I’ve said to her that on one of those nights we will do something but getting her involved in a sporting activity will be tough! I tried to get her into tennis a while back as she likes wearing tennis clothes but no chance. I’m not sure if it’s just shyness and, if I took her along to a tennis club, she’d really get into it. There is one not too far from her school.
Her school is across town about 6 miles away so she gets the school bus. I plan on buying her a pass for the town buses next year so she can use it to go into town etc. It’s cheaper too!
My eldest is probably going to university next September - he is currently working on his personal statement - and he will be busy with A-level stuff so it’s unlikely that I can ask him to help.
I’m taking her away this weekend for 4 days as her school breaks up on Thursday.
I have a financial solicitor and that is all being dealt with.

Anyway, I’d better get to work!