Parent - ‘Taking’ Children and not returning

[Jne1]

Last night my NEx collected the children for his usual Wed eve dinner. They are 13 and 12.
After getting them in the car, he returned and informed me the children would be staying at his or he would come in to the family home and spend the night here. He left last Sept, we are co-owners.

He took the children and on my solicitors advice, phoned the police who at 8.30pm performed a welfare check. I did not think it a good idea to attempt to collect them as it would have resulted in them experiencing a domestic.

We are going through an acrimonious divorce and I believe the subject of child maintenance via the CMS has forced this matter. Indeed my Ex had a conversation with the children about the matter yesterday and his need to even up the nights they spend with him so he has to pay less / nothing.

My solicitor is drafting Orders and written to his to request he voluntarily stay away from the house and that there will be no contact unless he agrees to the mediation-agreed arrangement and that we drop off / collect the children from an independent location.

I’ve also had the locks changed (on solicitors advice).

Has anyone had experience of this type of situation? What should I do if / when the ex arrives to continue to try and collect the children given the police have said they won’t enforce anything without a Court Order? He’s so stubborn and bullyish I’m expecting the worst. Please help / support / give advice.

What do the children want re contact and overnights? At that age what they want is important

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Not the same situation but my ex not returning the kids is much biggest fear. I don't have a divorce or property complication but at the ages of your kids would they not just come home if they'd rather be there x

The children have said to the mediator they were happy with the arrangement as was. The mediator fed back to us both in August that we should listen to the children and leave things alone.
My youngest is particularly sensitive, but also afraid of cause upset, so if her Dad asks her if she’s happy, she’ll just go along with it when in reality, she’d rather not. The mediator picked up on this, her big sister commented the same. Her Dad doesn’t understand…

Unfortunately they can’t get gone from his independently as he lives in the back end of beyond with no public transport. Miles away from their friends too, so they don’t seem them when they’re at their Dad’s.

The eldest isn’t quite at the age where she’ll say she doesn’t want to go, but I’m sure it’ll be on its way.

You can file an emergency court to have them returned to you and have a court ordered contact. Also if you can have it done some there is power of arrest attached to it otherwise the police won't enforce it.

Thank you. I think he is ‘being a chance’ to confirm that he will follow the agreement, and what you’ve suggested would be the next step. I feel physically sick that it’s come to this.

Any update @Jne1

OP I just wanted to send support ... Im sorry to read this 🌸

@QueenBee52 Thank you xx

@kitkatsky, there was a lot of too-ing and fro-ing between myself and solicitor and his solicitor on Thursday and Friday. I was very anxious as the original stance taken was if he wouldn’t acknowledge the agreed arrangement, that I shouldn’t allow him contact at all - which would have resulted in a massive confrontation.

The NEx returned the children home at 6.30 on the Thursday morning, so they had a horrendously early start. He came in to the house again, and was refusing to leave asking me why I was refusing to go to mediation (he had emailed to say he no longer intended to go), why had I wasted police time, saying it was all in my power to address and making new demands that the children now stay Monday and Wednesday nights with him - seriously all to do with Child Maintenence amounts. Transpired he actually told the kids this on the way to his as his justification for them staying overnight on Wednesday. Abhorrent to place that on them.

Letters between solicitors have reached an agreement - although how long he sticks to this for is anyone’s guess - that he will have the children alternate weekends and on a Wed night. Not a Monday night. He does love the girls, but his behaviour toward me over recent months and weeks has been disgusting and abusive, and his lack of respect for the girls’ feelings, especially on Wednesday highlights he can’t put himself in their shoes to see what affect it has on theme

He has agreed via solicitor to not enter the house, or if he does need to, he will give 24 hours notice and a reason, pending the sale of the house. He will not come up to the house,so I don’t have to interact or see him, but will ring the children to let them know he is outside ready to collect them.

He has confirmed via solicitor that due to affordability he can’t buy the house, so via solicitor we are agreeing an estate agent to put it on the market.

The sooner I am shot of the nasty piece of work, the better.

I have an appointment with a Women’s Aid case worker on Monday, so hopeful of more support there.

I'm glad there is some sort of agreement and I hope he sticks to it.

Does he intend to bring them back to you before school on a Thursday each week? You can tell him to F off on that, he delivers to school and in the school holidays it means he either has them for a full day on the Wednesday or Thursday. He doesn't have them overnight to reduce CMS then expect you to do his childcare!!

I'm glad they're back. Definitely do the women's aid freedom programme and stay strong

@RandomMess - the level of detail on the drop off on Thursday morning has of course not been discussed.
I will need tk speak to my solicitor to agree how he (the NEx) thinks that’s going to work, as retuning to me at 6.30 am is not acceptable.
Holidays will be split between us, so that’s Ok, it’s just the term time that he takes unbridge with - doesn’t think of the children and school / what is best for them when they have long school days / homework - just his own selfishness.

@kitkatsky - Thank you. I’ve bought the book they recommended on the phone that covers the Freedom Programme - some interesting points there (I’ve started reading).
I cannot wait to have my financial ties cut from him, be in my own home, as the present arrangement is unbearable.

Thank you for your support. If you don’t mind me asking, have you completed the Freedom Programme?

@Jne1 yes, about ten years ago. It did help, along with an excellent solicitor. I'm never 100% calm about our situation but things have been calmer for a long time now. And there is hope to be happier again in the future so don't lose hope while you're going through this now

@kitkatsky - Thank you for sharing. It’s good to know you’ve come through it to a calmer time - that is what I need to hear. It doesn’t feel like it now to me, but I sincerely hope the time will come for me too x

@Jne1 it will. It takes time, patience and an excellent solicitor in your corner though x