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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Ex hasn't returned DD

22 replies

SallyAnn32 · 28/09/2021 23:14

My ex was supposed to bring DD back home tonight at 6:30pm at my request. It is usually an overnight stay but because she was upset when he picked her up at usual time of 4:30pm I suggested they go for dinner and a play at the park then she come home. He didn't answer my calls or texts and didn't return her. I know they're safe because my friend drove past his house and saw his car there and the lights on. He has parental rights so the police can't do anything. I'll contact a solicitor tomorrow morning but I wondered if anyone had experienced this in the past and if they could share any possible outcomes.

We have two DD's. Only one sees her dad because my eldest rejected him after he left for OW and essentially ignored the kids for a short time.

Thanks

OP posts:

Catawaul · 28/09/2021 23:16

When would she normally be due home after an overnight? Is she school age?

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 28/09/2021 23:18

@Catawaul she's 6. Almost 7. She will come home in the morning around 8am and I take to school with her sister.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 28/09/2021 23:22

I can understand your concern for your DD but you requested she return when she would usually stay overnight and it doesn't sound like he absolutely confirmed he would return her. A solicitor won't be able to help much in this kind of situation, particularly if he's just sticking to a prior agreement

Dillydollydingdong · 28/09/2021 23:24

He has parental responsibility so not much you can do. Don't worry about it.

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 28/09/2021 23:24

@Doyoumind he's been behaving really hostile towards me recently and I feel like this could not part of it. We're nearing the end of a tricky and lengthy divorce and he's been really nasty as has his partner. He's read my WhatsApp's to ask how DD was and whether she was coming home or not and I asked if I could speak to her before bed and he ignored them. They're marked as read so he's just ignoring me.

OP posts:

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 28/09/2021 23:24

[quote SallyAnn32]@Doyoumind he's been behaving really hostile towards me recently and I feel like this could not part of it. We're nearing the end of a tricky and lengthy divorce and he's been really nasty as has his partner. He's read my WhatsApp's to ask how DD was and whether she was coming home or not and I asked if I could speak to her before bed and he ignored them. They're marked as read so he's just ignoring me. [/quote]
*Could maybe be.

OP posts:

SD1978 · 28/09/2021 23:55

This isn't a breach though- it's his time that has been prearranged. You decided that two hours would be enough, not him. Whilst the lack of communication is a shot move, I'd imagine she'll be back at the 'proper' time in the morning.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 23:58

Sounds like she perked up and stopped being upset so he’s carried on as normal.

What are you wanting your solicitor to do?

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 28/09/2021 23:58

@SD1978 when he picked her up and I suggested it he said ok. DD said she wanted to sleep at home. That would make anyone believe they were coming back?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 23:59

He should have let you know he was keeping her for the usual amount of time. But it’s still not a breach of usual contact.

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 29/09/2021 00:00

@AnneLovesGilbert we're going through child arrangements as part of the divorce. I believe he should see DD more and he's contesting it because he doesn't want to but I believe it's better for their relationship. He's ignored my request to speak to her and ignored my check on her well-being given how upset she was I don't think that was unreasonable. I just want the solicitor to find out what he's playing at really. His behaviour is so erratic

OP posts:

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 29/09/2021 00:02

I guess I'm just concerned for her and wanted to know she was ok and which is why I said she maybe should stay at home and he said ok. It's a strange feeling when someone purposely ignores you when you're asking about your own child

OP posts:

Dancingonmoonlight · 29/09/2021 00:05

Its horrible of him not to allow you to speak to your DD especially when he told you earlier that she was upset. I don't have any advice OP. Do you think you should be encouraging her/trying to force his hand into having her more? I wouldn't.

purpleme12 · 29/09/2021 00:08

I get what you're saying
He's being shit by ignoring you and not letting you know about your child and changing his mind and it would make me feel uneasy
.. But assuming he turns up with her tomorrow I'm not sure it's worth going down the solicitor route about this particular issue
Perhaps speak to him tomorrow and take it from there

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 29/09/2021 00:10

@Dancingonmoonlight I'm always yo-yoing between he doesn't deserve her and she deserves so see her dad as much as she wishes. I just believe that every child needs a good relationship with both of their parents. He was a good dad when we were together but he's a shell of himself and I feel like they need each other. And it may encourage her sister to have a relationship with her dad which has been nonexistent for almost 2 years now.

OP posts:

Original poster

SallyAnn32 · 29/09/2021 00:11

@purpleme12

I get what you're saying He's being shit by ignoring you and not letting you know about your child and changing his mind and it would make me feel uneasy .. But assuming he turns up with her tomorrow I'm not sure it's worth going down the solicitor route about this particular issue Perhaps speak to him tomorrow and take it from there

I agree. If I can get more than 2 words out of him then it would help. Maybe he'll open up or apologise for not letting me know. I'm hoping they've had loads of fun and she's gone to bed really settled.

OP posts:

Dancingonmoonlight · 29/09/2021 00:18

I'm always yo-yoing between he doesn't deserve her and she deserves so see her dad as much as she wishes

He was a good dad when we were together but he's a shell of himself and I feel like they need each other

A dad who won't allow her mum to speak to her when she is upset is not a good dad.

MenoMom · 29/09/2021 00:20

I’ve been through similar and I understand how hard it is for you, and being angry and worried is awful. But she’s done overnights with him before and, it doesn’t sound like there is an issue with her safety - I hope there isn’t. This is about him being a dick, putting the exercise of his parental rights over any attempt at child centred co-parenting, deliberately worrying you and not having regard to your daughters happiness.

I used to remind myself that when my daughters father did this that she was safe, he wasn’t an alcoholic or drug user - it is being thankful for small mercies, but sometimes you have to set the bar very low for acceptable behaviour.

I found it gets better with time - your daughter will get older and be able to communicate her wants more directly with him.

He’s doing this to get at you, but you’re nearly through the divorce so hang in there for a bit longer - i found access arrangements were kept to when there was a court order and these sort of stunts stopped.

Good luck with everything.

CrackerGal · 29/09/2021 00:23

Did he bring her back?

CrackerGal · 29/09/2021 00:25

Thought the thread was from yesterday didn't realise we'd passed 12am 🤣

alexdgr8 · 29/09/2021 00:25

but he's her parent as much as you are.
he should let you know what's happening, of course, but i think you have to be more realistic in your expectations and future dealings with him.
he may feel you were presuming to tell him what to do with his own child, and he resented it.
also don't try to push anything with future contact.
try to relax. you have no reason to think he does not have her best interests at heart, or that she is not safe with him.

TheChip · 29/09/2021 00:26

It is pretty shitty of him. But she may have told him she felt okay enough to stay with him tonight and he has just thought "sod it, it's my night. I'll bring her back in the morning as normal" but thought ignoring you would be easier than getting into a back and forth over why and what not.

Maybe tomorrow when he drops her off you could send a text saying that you appreciate it was his usual overnight, but you did think she was coming home. In the future, if similar happens could you please be updated.

He could have been worried that this was the start of dd going down the same route as his other dd.

I'm sure they have had a great time and no doubt she will be home ready for school in the morning.

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