Told him I'm done; he's not taking me seriously. What now?

[IIIIona]

I'm right at the beginning of my separation journey from DP- unmarried but together for 10 years with with DCs.

We have tried relationship counselling and DP has disengaged. His behaviour over the summer was joyless, awkward, he sabotaged plans, seemed set on making me miserable. This is after months of warnings and talks etc and promises from him to try and change.

I have continued independent counselling and in my last session managed to make a plan for me to tell DP my plans to leave him following his lack of effort and behaviour. I wanted to be open with him as he wanted us to organise a weekend away together and quite frankly I dreaded the thought of being alone in his company for any length of time. I told all this to the counsellor and so we explored that telling the truth might be the best outcome here.

So, I have recently told him very frankly my plans and that I am just waiting for my finances to improve following a new contract that I have signed at work which will enable me to be financially independent. I have honestly told him that I no longer enjoy his company.

When I was telling him, he said nothing. I thought it was a delayed reaction so have waited for some sort of response. After 4 days, he has not responded and is behaving like all is normal, apart from sleeping in the spare room at my request. He seems so ok with it all.

He keeps making light hearted conversation with me, annoyingly following me around when I'm busy trying to tell me rubbish stories about his work, pretending all is normal.

😳

I don't really know what to do next? How should I respond/behave?

It feels like he's got what he wants, a live in housekeeper and nanny now without any expectation of him to make an effort on a romantic/relationship level. But he still thinks he can follow me around trying to make mundane conversation with me. I don't want to create a drama and a hostile environment infront of the DCs, but I'm finding this set up intolerable.

How to move things on? Or even just tolerate this ridiculous set up now?

Start with stop doing things for him, no cooking for him, he does his own washing and housework. You in effect live like like housemates until one of you moves out.
If you want to stay and he refuses to leave (assuming house is in both names) there's little you can do to force him out. Start divorce proceedings and let a solicitor do his job to get him to move out

TBF, you are the one not moving things along. You told him you want to split but not yet. What was the point of that?

Why should he not make light hearted comments. Should he act angry and upset in front of the children.

I’m sorry but you are the one being in a contrary way. I take it you still expect him to financially support you but not speak to you.

Are you still sharing a bed?
If so, move out of the bedroom.
Stop doing everything for him.

@LemonTT

TBF, you are the one not moving things along. You told him you want to split but not yet. What was the point of that?

Why should he not make light hearted comments. Should he act angry and upset in front of the children.

I’m sorry but you are the one being in a contrary way. I take it you still expect him to financially support you but not speak to you.

I agree with this. Are you expecting to stay in the house? Do you want him to move out just because you said you want to split up in the near future?

You can claim benefits while separated under one roof. You must be living separate lives, no cooking, grocery shopping, laundry etc That mighty help you make the leap. Look at 'entitled to.com'

@Shouldbedoing

You can claim benefits while separated under one roof. You must be living separate lives, no cooking, grocery shopping, laundry etc That mighty help you make the leap. Look at 'entitled to.com'

They aren’t married, this won’t apply. Now she has told him they are not together he should only support his children. He has no legal obligation to her.

They both owe it to their children to behave normally whilst they play out the OPs decision to delay the separation.

I beg to differ. If they are living as 2 households and no longer cohabiting, the usual applies.

@LemonTT It will apply, doesn’t matter they aren’t married. I got told I could claim separately from my ex despite us living together and we were not married.

OP, just get things moving as fast as you can. Make plans, and don’t do his housework. If he acts like nothing has changed, remind him. My ex tried this. I just repeated “I don’t know why you’re asking me about this, we’re split up” and “You need to make a plan to move out by this date or I will”.

Good advice @mumoblue I think continuing to remind him will help. I wasn't going to tell him (although he must have already known) but he started planning a theatre trip and a meal out together (even when we weren't speaking) and that just isn't for me at all. Why go out for a meal with someone you're not even speaking to or don't like that much? I don't get it. I feel like we've morphed into The Twits.

It's because he has nobody else to do these things with, his mates wouldn't go with him.

I agree with @HalzTangz. You need to stop doing things for him. Don't cook for him, wash his clothes etc. He's in the spare room now so all his belongings in your room need to be moved out. You could change things around/hang a few pictures or candles you like, in your room to reflect that it's now yours only.

Don't engage in his mundane chat. Be polite but talk about kids and separation details only. Do the kids know you are separating?

@IIIIona No idea why, but I ran into many threads where women described similar behavior like your husbands. He may think if he pretends all is well that you will "forget" about it and go on living as normal. I am not sure why some of the posters are so hard on you. None of this is your fault. Your marriage did not work out and you want to end it. That is your right.

I agree that, since this is your decision, you have to take initiative and start moving things along. Maybe that is what he is waiting for, your guidance, so to speak. The problem is that we often think that our partner has to "agree" with our decision and then help us get to the results, but if they do not want the separation/divorce, we cannot expect cooperation. I suggest you get a lawyer as soon as possible and talk about your options. Start thinking separation.

My ex and i lived together more then three months before he moved out. We were doing everything as normal except not sleep in the same bed. I did not want the kids to notice anything before we tell them. We did not have an extra room so I ended up sleeping in the same room with him, on a mattress on the floor. He never offered to trade places with me. I figured, he thought:" If she wants to separate with me, not sleep in the same bed with me, so be it."

Do more practical stuff. Change all the bills to his name(you say you are leaving) transfer your half to his bank account.
Change the kitchen to his cupboard/your cupboard. ditto fridge/freezer.
Start packing. Summer clothes, media, books. The dc packing will take twice as long as you think.
Organize your time so you are not in the kitchen/tv room the same time as him.
I had to live with an ex for months. I cooked for me and used washing machine after 9pm when he was watching tv.

He will have to cook for dc half the time.

Go for evening walks or drives or shopping, so he does the half the evening routine with dc.
Good luck op xx

So you've told him you will leave, no actual timeframe, juts when you feel financially it works. Are you expecting him to leave the house, will you be leaving? What do you assume the custody if the children will be split at? When do you incision this actually starting? It doesn't sound like you have anywhere near enough info- granted that's my assumption just from this post but apart from sleeping apart- you've actually changed nothing at present as it doesn't suit you to do so. I do t blame him for not knowing how things are

Agree with halztangs and 2cats.

I would also start making "flexible plans" so if he starts dicking you about you can easily move the day (like going to the gym, visiting a friend/sibling/parents for dinner) and leave him with the kids for the evening.

It a. Gets him understanding its over and b. Gives him some practice "babysitting" his own children. I'd making it clear he needs to cook clean and tidy up after dinner and put them to bed.

It's a bit cruel to tell him you don't want to be with him but then stay in the house? I wouldn't have a clue how to behave if someone did that to me, it must be awkward and also hard to believe if you're staying in the house.

It must be annoying but I would find this very hard to actually achieve if my dh said he doesn't want to be with me but let's wait until he's financially secure enough to actually leave. I'd probably carry on life as normal to hide the pain tbh. What exactly should he be doing op, accepting it whilst you're still living there? Id understand if you were trapped in the middle of a divorce but you're not married so can walk out tomorrow and yet have chosen to tell him you have a vague schedule on move out dates and left him hanging until then.

Mean imo, you should sort your finances out and move out ASAP or ask him to move out ASAP. If he did get his act together and actually only pay you for dc and move out contributing nothing how is that better for you?! Sounds like you want your cake and eat it scenario.

How long between now and this next contract?

To be fair, this seems like a really uncomfortable situation. You could have declined any plans he made.

Are you moving out? With the kids?

What is it you want him to do? Live in the house and just avoid eachother? Not speak to to eachother? That's really unpleasant for everyone including the kids.

It seems you have set out the path and have certain expectations from him. But then are continuing to do his washing?

It seems you haven't really disengaged either