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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Child arrangement issues

12 replies

LovelifeHa · 27/09/2021 14:22

So, looking for a bit of advice from you lovely lot!

Currently ExP and I have a contact pattern of 1,1,1,1 and then EOW (Split roughly 52/48 to me). This has been in place since Feb this year and I feel that this is very disruptive to DS (8) who can move between houses for up to 5 days a week if its my weekend. I have proposed a pattern of 2,2 and EOW. This keeps the amount of time DS spends with each parent the same and its just moving one day from me to him meaning that DS gets two nights with each of us and then EOW rather than going backwards and forwards like a yoyo!

Well, you would think I'd asked him to dance butt naked on the moon! I first broached this in the spring and its been constant fob offs and excuses. He is unable to give me one single reason as to why it's in DS's best interests to maintain the current arrangement but has rejected all other suggestions for patterns of contact and won't suggest any himself. He simply wants to maintain the current pattern because it suits him!

There are other issues too and I'm seriously considering mediation as a way forward. On the face of it we're relatively amicable but he has a history of lying, gaslighting and emotionally manipulating our DS (which I'm heartily sick of but appear powerless to prevent). He's also incredibly self centred and thinks the world should turn on his axis!

Has anyone had any success with mediation in a situation like this or am I whistling in the wind?

OP posts:

BasicDad · 27/09/2021 17:45

I think what you're asking for is very reasonable. I do 2, 2 + EOW and even then it can be disruptive and difficult to manage.

1, 1, 1, 1 must be a nightmare, and it'll only get worse as your DS gets older.

I would attempt the mediation angle to be honest. Your ex sounds a bit unpredictable and it'd be good to get something formerly agreed and a court order to seal. I'd sell it to your ex as protecting you both against future disputes.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 27/09/2021 17:49

Judge told me and exh that blocks of contact is better for the dc...

RandomMess · 27/09/2021 17:53

If you don't have a court order keep DS for an extra night and say he can have him for the next 2 nights?

Force his hand a bit? It's clear he wouldn't want DS loads more as it would interfere with whatever he wants to do every other night - hobby/Social life/work late/girlfriend sleeps over?

BasicDad · 27/09/2021 17:57

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Judge told me and exh that blocks of contact is better for the dc...

Many scenarios are different. But I would agree that blocks where possible are better. It's just not always possible.

Levithecat · 27/09/2021 18:42

That sounds like a really disruptive set up. We are going to try for 2-2-3 (your suggested pattern) for 3 and 8yo. That’s really because of the 3yo - the older they get the longer they can/should go I think. I’d like to get to a week on/week off with a night in the middle by the time youngest is 8.

Levithecat · 27/09/2021 18:43

Sorry that wasn’t helpful - yes I think you should go to mediation and I doubt any judge would support 1,1,1,1,3

millymolls · 27/09/2021 20:20

You need to do mediation and stand firm if he won’t agree
1,1,1,1 is terrible for your child , even 2,2,3 can be
One week on/ off or 4,3 is generally better or of course eow plus one night in week…

RandomMess · 27/09/2021 20:37

Have you asked what DS what he would prefer, what his "ideal" would be?

Hapoydayz · 27/09/2021 20:39

1111 must be horrible and confusing for your child. Go to mediation and court if necessary to get this changed. Will your child be OK with 2 nights away or is that not an issue?

Original poster

LovelifeHa · 28/09/2021 07:17

Thanks for your comments everyone, this has confirmed what I thought but he just refuses to listen to reason. He will cite 'work' as being the reason he doesn't want/can't change but that's rubbish. My gut feeling is that he simply doesn't want DS for additional week days as it means he would be responsible for him if he were sick etc. He also can't 'disney' his way through several days in the way that he can at present.

@RandomMess - All dropoffs and pickups are from school, so just keeping DS for another night isn't really an option. DS has repeatedly said that he wants a week each which I raised with ExP. I also said to Ex that the discussion should be between us and not involve DS (not that I don't think DS should have a voice but I am well aware of Ex's ability to manipulate DS). Lo and behold, after raising it with Ex who then saw DS where apparently DS raised this 'out of the blue' despite not knowing that this was on the cards or that I was speaking to his dad about it, suddenly DS had done a complete about turn and wants to keep things exactly as they are. But, he's just trying to keep his dad happy

Unfortunately (and this is one reason why I actually wasn't keen on a week each), ExP makes DS front and centre of discussions that should remain between the two of us. He treats DS as a best friend and confidante, makes DS feel responsible for him (by lamenting how there just isn't any point in doing anything if DS isn't with him, he has no friends, makes him feel guilty if he enjoys time with me and DP etc) and constantly makes me out to be the bad person i.e. your mum caused all this, its her fault, she's just trying to cause trouble etc etc. If I call him out on something, he has no compunction about denying it and accusing DS of lying (when I know he isn't) - so I've stopped doing this to try and minimise the impact on DS. He also constantly tells DS that they have to stick together, its them against the world i.e. me and encourages DS to lie to and/or keep secrets from me.

DS adores him though and I do want him to have a positive relationship with his dad. I just want his dad to stop being such a selfish, manipulative arse and actually step up and behave like a parent. I realise how unrealistic that is though!

Writing it all down and thinking about events over the last 12 months have made me realise how toxic it all is and if I don't stop it now, I never will! So, mediation here we go...

OP posts:

Jne1 · 28/09/2021 19:44

One week on / off was tabled by me NEx during mediation. I was against this (my view is too disruptive and my two are 13 and 12) - mediator basically said ‘do you think it’s acceptable for the other parent to routinely not see their children for a week’.

We alternate weekends (F - M) and then the NEx has a Monday and a Wed dinner visit. He wants them overnight in the school week - it’s a flat ‘No’ from me and both children have echoed this via direct discussion with the mediatior as he wouldn’t accept it.

Original poster

LovelifeHa · 28/09/2021 21:11

And that’s fair enough. The issue I have is that he simply refuses to consider any other arrangement than the one we currently have - which doesn’t work. Unfortunately DS will say the same as that’s what ExP has convinced him is best. I only want a movement of 1 day so that DS gets 2 consecutive nights in a row with each of us rather than this ridiculous swapping about but he just won’t have it!

OP posts:

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