Where to start/solicitor advice

[whereisthelove6]

Hi all, just looking for some advice. Yesterday my husband was violent towards me in front of my toddler whilst drunk and then very abusive. It has happened before although it is never extreme (yesterday he pulled my head back and then pulled my hair very hard) and it's usually over in seconds and only directed at me. I chose not to call the police as I don't want social services involved or for our neighbours to see. I am pregnant and there has been no remorse again today or even admittance that it happened so I have realised that I have to get out for the sake of my children if not myself although I am frightened of making the step and where to start, particularly as we have no family nearby. Does anyone know of any good family solicitors on the London/Surrey borders so perhaps Epsom, Sutton, Carshalton way? Many thanks

Anyone? Thank you.

I am sorry you are going through this. You could give womens aid a call as they can recommend a solicitor that is experienced in domestic abuse. The first step is the hardest. 💐

Thank you @Sweetie1980.

Calling police might well be to your advantage when looking at access.
You can tell your midwife in confidence.

It took me a long time to start the process and I really regret that. Please get help asap

Just to add that you can report the incidence to the police without taking it further as you might be able to use that as evidence, but also they will have your address on records if he displays such behaviour again and you need to call them! But definitely speak to women s aid and take a look at rights of women too.

Thanks all. I feel sick and like I have made a massive mistake but I phoned the police and they have arrested him. They will phone me before he is released but it's a drastic step and I don't want him to have a criminal record. I just want him to realise he was wrong and he has a problem and agree to get some help.

You have not made a massive mistake - you have done the right thing. . He has assaulted you several times, he is a risk to you and your children.

I just want him to realise he was wrong and he has a problem and agree to get some help

He already knows that hitting people is wrong. Has he hit his boss? Did he hit the police who arrested him?

Did he “ get help” the first time he hit you? No. In that case he doesn't want help.

Please dont let him back in your home. Get legal advice. Tell your family ( if they will be supportive).

You’ve done the right thing, for you and any other women he may do this to in the future.
Please tell someone - friends or family, to get their support. Also tell the MW.
If he threatens you or hurts you again - 999 immediately.

Thank you all. I am so scared as social services are going to be in touch regarding my toddler as the police passed on the information which I know they have to but I am frightened they will take him away from me. He is everything to me.

Social services won't take your child from you but they will be able to offer more support. Please don't be scared, all they need to know is that you're there to protect your child and the fact that you reported him to the police and you're thinking about living speak s volume. Have you contacted any domestic abuse charities? Your GP might also be able to sign post you to any local support available?

You need to show them that you are safeguarding your child from domestic abuse.

Ok I’m going to be blunt here.

When the social workers come to visit you , you must MUST do what @GoodnightGrandma says - show them that you are putting your child first. NOT your husband.

DONT

Minimise the violence towards you ( it’s not extreme , it’s over in seconds )

Excuse the violence ( it’s not his fault he was drunk/ depressed / lost his job / had a bad childhood )

Minimise the risk to your children ( oh I know he would never hurt the kids, he’s a great dad ). FYI at least one child a week in the UK is killed by their father / step father who were all, I’m sure, great guys who loved their kids. Babies under 12 months are at the highest risk.

Put his wishes above your own and your children’s safety ( I don’t want him to get arrested / get into trouble / get a criminal record).

Put your own image above your children safety ( I don’t care if he beats me just as long as the neighbours don’t know ) .

Assume that because your child was not in the room at the time, that they are not harmed by domestic violence.

Think that you can control his violence ( it’s my fault because I annoyed him / talked back to him so if I’m good all the time everything will be fine) .

Refuse their help . Even if you think that what they are offering / suggesting is over the top / pointless. Do whatever they say.

Again, I’m sorry to be so blunt and direct but you need to hear this. I know what I’m talking about.

I used a firm in redhill. They were happy to do everything online. It was very simple case though so not much to do.

Sorry you're going through this. Having gone through similar, I also recommend contacting the police so that everything is documented as it will work in your favour in the long run.

A previous poster mentioned contacting Women’s Aid and asking them for advice about which solicitor to use. I personally found Women’s Aid extremely helpful... but the solicitor they recommended wasn't great and I ended up dropping him after only a few weeks, following our first court case. I am now with Complete Family Law, who are based in Kent, and they have been brilliant so are worth considering, even though you're not particularly close. (Distance shouldn't matter because they can arrange appointments online; I'm only 20 minutes away from their office but have never had an appointment in person, only online - so much easier!) I use Claire but I would think that any of the solicitors would be good, based on my experiences.

Good luck. It's a nightmare to go through but will be worth it in the end

How are you doing?