Separation with young kids

[HelpWendy]

Hi all,

I am on the verge of separation, both sad but know it’s the right thing, our marriage is dead, we can’t connect on anything

My question is - my kids are 2 and 5. I know people say if you’re going to split do it when the kids are young. But my concern is that my 2 year old obviously isn’t talking and won’t be able to communicate during a hard time. Should I wait a few years so he can at least communicate with me??

Also does anyone have any experience of separating with such young children? I am heartbroken to destroy a complete for them.

@HelpWendy if you know deep in your heart this is the right thing to do, then follow your gut instinct. Otherwise you might find yourself years later and still in this situation

I separated from my ex when my daughter was 2 nearly 3. It was hard to know what to say but I kept it simple and said Daddy was living somewhere else but she would still see him every morning (he works afternoons to evenings). She is nearly 4 now and seems to have adjusted ok. She does remember him living in the same house which Im surprised at. Im ready for questions she might have in the future. I wouldnt wait, if it were me. I seperated originally when she was 1 year old and we got back together. I regret it as I think that might have been even easier, if she had no memory of us living together.

Thanks Millshake. I do know deep down, I’m not looking for grass is greener, but it’s a strange reality living with someone you can’t connect with. I think run up to marriage was in fact pleasentries, masking and I am stupid for overlooking some of our differences. Thing is he’s a good man and father and the kids are so young, I know deep down but riddled with guilt, for him and them.

@Stars1979 - I know it can actually be that simple. Leave amicably, tell the kids, mind them as much as possible. But as bad as it is, breaking up the family when they’re so young and cannot articulate how they feel is making me feel so guilty.

I am bidding on a house at the moment, so it’s very real. But the closer I get to the tangiable leaving part the more surreal the whole thing is. Guilt and fear - all consuming.

I felt exactly the same, this was not something I wanted at all. I wouldnt say it was simple but you have to remember children dont think like adults. I cried buckets before he moved out worrying about my daughter and the guilt. I still wish it could have worked but nothing would have changed and in fact I was putting both myself and my daughter first. I dont know how people cope when kids are older. My daughter struggles at handover sometimes but she is lovely and happy. I know she would be seeing awful rows had we stayed together so I know this is more stable and although immensely sad for what i wanted, happy to be out of the conflict, so i am much more happy mum! I definitely wouldnt say simple but I have kept it simple for her. Can you really do another 6 or 7 or 8 years and how is that any better for the kids. I dont think there is ever a good time, but i do personally think you are better doing it now. Very best of luck x

@Stars1979 Thanks for sharing your story. No I can’t wait another 5 years or more and to be honest we’ve managed to contain everything for a long time but the wheels are really coming off now. We are such a bad match, it all mystifies me how were even married. Only recently our rows have really cranked up and where we were both such good cover up artists for the kids, it’s even becoming obvious to them.

I dread their tears, and ‘where’s Daddy’, they adore him.

My daughter adores her Dad too but she saw him often so whenever she asked I would say "tonorrow you will see daddy". Funnily enough she doesnt see him as much now and i think i worried more about that more then him and my daughter. She sometimes says she wants daddy but it usually if im telling her off for something. If she said i want daddy or if she did, i would give her a big cuddle and say i know and explain when she would see him next......honestly if he is involved then they will adjust as they will still see him. The 5 year old will probably need more reassurance of course. You sound like a fab mum, the anxiety and worry is real, you will make it ok and find a way. You are doing it for all the right reasons, as long as they have both their parents in their lives and loved and stable then they are still going to be happy. You will make sure of it I can tell. It still gets me when she says she wants daddy but you cope. Just yesterday she asked me if she lives with me or daddy......obviously me, so i just made a joke about where was her bed and she giggled....a year ago i would have dreaded that and worried about all sorts about how she was feeling but children have simple innocent minds not to be confused with our messy emotional adult ones!

I dont have all the answers but you will cope with it... Yes they might ask but daddy is still in their lives and they will see him.....and explain.....lots of strength to you....you know you arent going to stay together so better to do it now for your sake as well as the kids.

My husband moved out for a trial period when my youngest was 2 (almost 3) and she struggled more than the 7 year old. She was quite wakeful at night suddenly and would cry for Daddy to put her to bed at times.

We used covid as an excuse for the trial as I had a shielding letter, which the eldest accepted and managed well with. My youngest seemed confused but loved having sleepovers at Nanny's house at the weekends where DH was staying.

He came back and agreed to marriage counselling but has since revoked this agreement after attending 3 sessions and says that counselling isn't for him. He's got me over a barrel now that he's back at home.

The youngest has now started preschool and is settling in well, so I think that once she has done half a term or even a full term, I will set the ball rolling again properly to separate permanently.

It's so difficult to navigate timing with this isn't it. I'm glad we had the trial separation as it gave me a good flavour of what it would be like. I learned:

-work on your support circle way before you separate because it's isolating when you suddenly find yourself on your own.

-My 2 year old was v challenging behaviour wise and I was at home with her a lot due to WFH and it almost broke me. I was exhausted. Now that she has preschool ans the stability of teachers and peers taking a large part of her time, it feels a better time to do it. But my eldest was a dream at age 2, so I would have done it then when she was that age.

-Get a hobby beforehand

-Start a weekend routine now that can fit into your lives post separation. This helprd me and I felt less daunted. I also discreetly started to work late on the evenings I'd planned for DH to be having them upon separation to get myself and them used to me not being there all the time.

I'm more worried about my eldest this time around. She's 8. I've been putting this off for around 3 years now as it hasn't felt like the right time, I'm getting closer though I think.

@IIIIona how have things worked out for you?

Hi @HelpWendy we are now separated.
It has been tricky to navigate and we still have a long way to go but things are going ok overall. I hope you're ok.

Hi,

Looking for some advice please.
My partner and I have decided to separate and he has just moved out last weekend. We are on good terms and can spend time in each others company- we have just lost the spark and I guess are no longer attracted to each other.
We have a nearly 2 and 1/2 year old son whom we both want to make sure feels happy and safe during this transition. We have agreed the split regarding having our child etc however my ex has suggested that for the time being we do one day a week where both myself and our child go and stay with him so that he has the feel of ‘normality’ and gets to spend an evening with us together. I am happy to do this however my concern is whether this might confuse our child?
Does anyone have experience of this or any thoughts?
Many thanks,
P