Where do I stand with this?

[CosmicUnicorn]

Hi,
I am going through a divorce after a long marriage. I have been given a date next month when I will be able to apply for decree absolute. We were married over 20 years, with two teens, but I was incredibly unhappy for many years as it was a sexless/loveless marriage and we just didn’t connect. I couldn’t go near him sexually - hence the sexless marriage. He is a very odd man in lots of ways. Age gap was an issue too. I ended it after a lot of soul searching.

Anyway, I filed for divorce last Christmas and had been happy enough to go 50/50 on the matrimonial home (mortgage free) as it was me who had instigated the split and, apparently, ruined the family! However, both children are with me most of the time (the youngest stays over with me 100% of the time and goes for a day out with their dad every weekend or so; the eldest stays with me about 70% of the time). The thing is, what I hadn’t expected, was that he wouldn’t pay towards their costs. So, things like school dinners, phone contracts, clothes, driving lessons (the list goes on) he hasn’t paid a penny! He said that as I get the child benefit he shouldn’t have to pay anything! £140 only just covers their school dinners let alone the bus passes (£300 a term).
Anyway, he has inherited 50% share of another property before we split officially (and he moved out into this property) but after the date I’d told the solicitor we’d separated - we had been living separately in the family home for a couple of years. My solicitor said it wasn’t on that he wasn’t paying towards the children and that the inherited property should be a marital asset as it was a long marriage. I started to realise that I was going to be a lot worse off than him even though I earn more (and have done throughout our marriage). We pooled our earnings together and I always looked after the bills etc. He had no idea how much things cost. We would always have the same pocket money each week even though I was earning double to him at one point. I moved up in my career, he didn’t.
So, I phoned CMS and they told me to use the calculator online and that came back saying he should be paying me £400-£500 a month. They advised me to print this off and send him it before they got involved. I did this weeks ago and he has ignored it. He reckons buying the youngest a pair of trainers is his contribution and he doesn’t need to pay anymore. Yes haven’t been back in touch with CMS yet as I drafted in a financial solicitor to divide all assets. My solicitor told me that the judge would throw out the 50/50 marital home split as I had the children the most and was paying their costs. He didn’t even bother to take any time off work over the summer hols so I had the expense of that too and I had to use a lot of my annual leave (and I paid to take them away for a week in the UK).
Anyway, his solicitor has wrote back saying that the inherited property is still in probate (after 2 years, really?) and that it isn’t going to be classed as a martial asset nor should he pay CMS as he buys them things!!! He has absolutely no clue about what they cost! Driving lessons alone are costing me £30 an hour! His solicitor has said that he feels he shouldn’t pay anything as I get the child benefit (which will end for the eldest soon and it only covers school lunches). He didn’t buy any uniform for the youngest. Nothing.
Where do I stand? I have emailed my solicitor but no reply as yet.

The way it is now, he will get half of the family home, half of his inherited home and pay no child costs. I’ll have to get another mortgage of at least £100k (not something I want to do at my age) and bear the brunt of the children financially. I’m also worried he will now get half of my pension!! The eldest is applying for university for 2022 so I’ll probably end up paying all his living costs too.
Can this property be held in probate until after the decree absolute? Am I being taken for a ride?
Help.

You need to go through CMS. Of course he has to pay maintenance.

Erm child maintenance is non negotiable … of course he should be paying. Am amazed a solicitor replied saying he didn’t need to!
As to the rest - you could argue it either way I guess. No one wants to go to court but when you have a very stubborn other party it makes negotiating almost impossible unfortunately

Do not apply for the decree absolute until the financial order is in place.

Just because his solicitor has agreed to send that letter does not mean that is how it would be regarded in law.

Yes, he has to pay CM.

And you can go to court for the proper split if asserts if you need to.

He's trying it on. Rip up that 'amicable ' agreement. He's far from amicable, and go for what your children need - 65% of the equity in the family home and that regular CMS contribution you detailed as a minimum. His pension wants looking at and divided or looked at as a bargaining tool. I bet your pension is a trifle compared to his. Women take a terrible career and pension hit in the child rearing years. That inheritance wants looking at just to scare him if necessary. Do not short change yourself into an impoverished old age out of a misplaced sense of decency. Next thing is he'll be squiring some new woman around in a new sports car and you'll be cutting out coupons for Farmfoods

And yes, delay the decree absolute until the financial/consent order is agreed

As the others have said ^

Probably the time has come to issue financial proceedings - speak to your solicitor about it. He'll have to declare his assets fully - and if he won't agree then you can ask the Judge to recommend what would be fair.

And CMS - Child Benefit is NOT equal to maintenance. It's not for you, it's for your kids and he needs to buck up on his responsibilities.

Good luck, he sounds dificult.

I will delay applying for the decree absolute but what about the inheritance not being classed as a marital asset? Is this normal just because probate hasn’t been granted or do I just wait until probate is granted? It sounds like this is been done deliberately tbh. I hadn’t expected him to not pay towards the kids. I was quite happy to pay 50% of anything they needed - uniforms, bus fares, holidays - but so far, since earlier this year, I have paid 100% and he has ignored the print out I sent him from CMS.
I am the biggest earner btw and he earns not that much in comparison but he never made an effort to progress and I ended up paying for a lot of things during our marriage. I’m starting to think I’ve been used a bit! I went part time for a few years but still earned more than him and have been full time a few years now, recently gaining promotion to senior management - hence why I am worried about my pension especially when I have done everything throughout our marriage while he did very little! I was very driven as a teen/young adult as my parents divorced when I was 8 and my mother never worked again so we didn’t have much.

I will delay applying for the decree absolute but what about the inheritance not being classed as a marital asset? Is this normal just because probate hasn’t been granted or do I just wait until probate is granted?

I believe that inheritance is not automatically classed as a marital asset, so even if you waited for probate you might find that he didn’t need to include it in the division of assets. I know it seems unfair, but I don’t think from what I’ve read that a court would count it- here’s a link: www.divorce.co.uk/your-finances/inheritance

The ‘good’ news though might be that as he’s adequately housed because of the inheritance, you might have a better claim for keeping more of the equity in the marital home, especially if the DC all live with you.

For your pension, though, you might decide it’s better to offer him closer to equal shares of the equity if he agrees not to touch your pension.

Basically you will definitely come off poorer. And he must pay child maintenance but he’s not obliged to pay post-18 so university costs probably are on you, sorry. Get the claim in with CMS immediately - no point waiting.

He is apparently looking into pension figures - I’ve already got the ball rolling with mine. So, I can take this to court and allow a judge to decide if still no change? Even if the other property is still waiting on probate (which so find highly suspicious) the judge will surely look at the fact he is going to be mortgage free with about £60k in his pocket (once the family home is sold) and isn’t paying anything towards the kids (one is close to 18 though). I hope so!!

You can check if it's still waiting on probate... if you know the surname and when the person died then you can check here...

probatesearch.service.gov.uk/

@comfortablyfrumpy thanks - I’ll check

You’ve had good advice here and he definitely should be paying CMS.

A word of caution though as you’ve implied that your pension is better than his. This will also be included in the pot so you need to think about how hard you want to push on division of assets. You don’t say how much the inherited property is worth but you might find that your superior pension balances this out. Ultimately using lawyers to divide the marital assets takes money out of the pot. You’ll need to decide whether it is worth doing.

his solicitor has wrote back saying that the inherited property is still in probate (after 2 years, really?) and that it isn’t going to be classed as a martial asset nor should he pay CMS as he buys them things!! <

And that solicitor is putting the case that your ex- wants put, this is not a statement of the law or what a court would be more likely to decide. So, a court may decide it IS a marital asset, and of course CMS can get the fuller amount of child maintenance.

Do not sign the decree absolute until the financial settlement is concluded. If anything happens to him and you are fully divorced you are in a very difficult position. Take it to court, or at least start the process, that will drag it out long enough for probate to be concluded and if you earn more you will have better representation (barrister).

His inheritance will definitely be included in a needs case, which no doubt yours is. You might be able to trade your pension for the inherited property. If he's useless with money he likely wont see the pensions true value. And make a claim through the CMS for child support, that's not negotiable.