more support to my dear friend, any thoughts?

[SarahCole446]

my friend is going through a solicitor for her to start divorce proceedings and she has done mediation with her dh one session. My friend is like my sister so I am one of her main support. Her DH left her and DC abruptly. It was clear at one point he stopped asking about dc within days of a split it was noticeable (I have seen the messages) so my friend asked him outright why and the ex partner response was because he can never see her or DC ever again as during an argument one time it was supposedly said that my friend said she was going to tell everyone he was a 'Pedo' this was a shock as the ex partner never told the mediator this even or mentioned this beforehand. My friend was understandably really upset she loves DC and said she never said that and she honestly hand on heart does not remember saying that and she has not said anything like that to me or anyone else!

I asked her when is ex partner referring to (timeframe) when you 'said' it, she informed me that she can only guess its when she had a mental break last year it was awful she got over it but she was really ill, she informed me that her ex partner referred to when she was ill she said things that she didn't know what she was saying etc and the ex partner even referred to when she was ill she use to throw items away that she didn't remember doing at all, her ex partner picked up on that and said you didnt know what you was doing...but my friend does not remember AT all, but why mention this now?! and isnt that alittle cruel mentioning that now it has had no impact at all and then why duck out your DC life because of it? if my ex said that and was spreading that around about me I would go to the police or a solicitor not keep quiet about it and never see dc again? is this just an excuse that's being used? this is what I have been telling her that parents don't just go quiet over it, I just wanted any thoughts how best to support her and dc and is what I am telling her right to proceed with the divorce but I don't know how to tell her what is right about this awful thing that her ex partner is saying, she is just in complete shock and doesn't know how best to go forward with this or what to do and I am also at a lost on what to actually advise now,

I just hate to see her so upset

It reads that she may have said it whilst she was unwell. Sadly it's not unheard of for some women to make such a threat.

My advice would be to focus on accepting the marriage is over. Whether it is an excuse or not, he no longer wishes to be part of their lives. That's really tough, but ruminating on why won't change anything.

Is he offering fair financial support? That's what she needs to prioritise, making sure the children are well provided for.

@CorrBlimeyGG my friend said she only remembers a conversation kast year when DC was going through a phase of mummy said this or daddy said this or grandad said this etc and the husband was concerned and said what if dc starts saying something serious, and my friend said children dont say things like unless it true that its just silly playing off parents/grandpaparents mummy and daddy or grandad its just what children do of a certain age

sorry my message cut off before i finished. I was saying its what children do at that age, but thats the only thing she truly remembers she wasnt going around telling people he was a pedo its making me feel sick he has even mentioned this, nothing has been done with it he hasnt reported it and she hasnt done anything so why is this being used as excuse that ex partner now can never see ex of dc again? no he isnt he just left and she is paying all the bills and mortgage and wanst nothing to do with them, this is what is just bizarre to me. She was distraught on the phone lastnight to me saying she honestly doesnt remember ever saying it and how she wouldn't say anything bad about her own DC I cant believe the ex partner finds this justifiable? I have told her to inform the solicitor but she said to inform them of what nothing has been done with so called calling him a pedo and you dont even think you said it so why is he running with that , he didnt even tell the mediator , I told her to just keep focus on dc because Im getting a strong vibe of bull crap from this ex husband who leaves the dc like that no financial support or emotional support just done because my friend 'may' have said this last year, i cant get my head around it, all i know is f my ex said that and meant it or was spreading lies to others i would take him to court for custody or police or seek a solicitors advice i would not leave my dc

He just doesn’t want his children anymore. He’s a cunt. She needs to divorce, move on and flourish.

@CorrBlimeyGG i agree whether its a excuse or not thats his decision but based on why he is saying he his is blaming is indifference on my friend on something that may have been said a year ago and then carried on the relationship but now they split and straight away he is doing nothing emotionally supportive towards dc at all, like is that right? he doesnt even want to pay child support. I am getting really angry over it, i just dont want my friend and her dc to suffer because of him , i dont have any family myself so thats why i seeked some support on here as I want to remain strong for my friend and dc but im getting really angry at him how he has got out of everything from just saying something like that, like its justifiable

@Shakeyourface I got really angry lastnight after I came off phone to my friend who by the way is distraught but has to put a brave face on infront of dc , we talk at night when we have privacy and she will go into her garden and we will chat, i was that angry lastnight towards him but cant vent it anywhere. Why would he be bringing this up now? and if he felt so strongly about it or that she has done this and told everyone (she hasnt) but if he saying she did then why duck out dc life and leave them both to it why not go the police or even tell the mediator they saw , he never mentioned this to the mediator and far as im away not mentioned to a solictor or police so what does that mean that he is just bulls**ting?

OP you are this woman’s friend and always will be. But right now she needs a supportive friend with a clear head. That’s not coming across in your posts. You sound panicked and confused. Are you the wife ? If so, then it’s better to say. If you are a friend then you need to calm down.

The ex has cut contact with your friend and his children. His explanation is that he claims she threatened to call him a pedo during a mental health crisis.

Your friend has no recollection of this. There is no evidence that she ever followed through with the threat. His claim cannot be substantiated and he isn’t trying to substantiate it. Even if true it was a hollow threat made by someone who was mentally ill in a heated argument and never acted on.

It has no bearing on your friends situation. She needs to focus on securing financial support for her children whether he sees them or not. She needs to start the divorce process and begin to build a new life for herself.

I am advising you as her friend to think about what role you can play here. We all bring different things to the table as friends. Right now she needs someone who is calm and clear headed. If you cannot be that person she needs someone who will be.

My advice

Step away from this level of detail in the divorce

What you can do is provide

Practical support
Look after the children to give her time on her own and to sort the divorce
Help her with anything that needs doing ie if she needs to move
And be a sounding board for when she wants to vent

But don’t get entangled in this. You won’t be any help becuae you do not know the intricacies of this marriage

You got “really angry”

Op, you have said at least three times on this short thread

If you are not careful you are simply going to fan the flames

And I see you started another thread about it last week

Yes I’m really angry , more so because she is like my sister we been through thick and thin and the little one is very close to me I just hate to see them suffer. But yes I agree I need a rational calm head and i have calmed down, I have just messaged her telling her to keep a cool and proceed on with the divorce and basically not to pay attention to what he is saying if he has an issue he should take it up legally however I believe it is just an excuse he just wants out.

Yeah I don’t want to fan the flames at all I want to be supportive. I didn’t get angry when speaking to my friend it was afterwards when I thought about it all I just feel abit helpless on how to help and upset how they both being treated and the unjustified reason for how things are ...

@LemonTT thank you that was really good advice. All I can do is provide support and be a vent for her let her all her upset out. I need to be calm aswell I am with her however when I thought more on our conversation I needed to vent somewhere myself , it’s hard to hear from someone you love when it’s someone you have grown up with and to hear them in such distress , but I agree I need to remain calm and I am being infront her and I’ll just continue to support her through all this , I guess I needed alittle support myself and the rationale of all this , it just seems so awful the situation

OP, for your friend’s sake you have GOT to dial it back.Of course you’re angry. I get that.
I’m mid divorce from an actual paedo. I’m sitting in a police station this minute actually as my daughter gives her statement. I get to play inside the sandpits of criminal AND family court! Yay!
So… from my perspective (the front row of a live circus!), be supportive and measured, as you’re being anyway. Your friend is too broken and tired to handle other people’s well-intended anger. She just needs a soft landing when she’s with you… she needs peace. You’re that peace. Thank God she has you.
Everything said by her STBX is utter bollocks and mere ‘he said/she said’ crap and a waste of family court’s time. Basically, it’s mud-slinging.
It’s not nice, but that’s what it is and it carries no weight. I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff.

@TheVanguardSix how terrible for you :( I’m so very sorry for your situation. I totally agree compared to that it’s just utter mud slinging I agree also family courts are not interested in he said she said , and compared to your situation were it is actually going on ...I’m sending strength to you and your daughter ❤️

Ah you’re too kind sarah. Thank you!
It’s all too real and utterly unbelievable at the same time.
But thank you for the strength and support!

Honestly, family court will look after the children’s needs and ignore the mudslinging. But it’s a way to demoralise and devastate the other parent and it works! It’s terribly stressful. When that Decree Absolute comes through, you two can party like it’s 1999! That day WILL come!

*I just needed to talk to others for level headed thoughts and to also get my head around this whole situation and what her ex is saying. Last conversation I had with him was he said he loved dc etc and I thought well everything was going to be ok even with a divorce he can support dc then he mentions this regarding ‘P**O’ and then just washed his hands of everything and I found it hard to understand how and why it went to that from when I last spoke to him to this

and seeing my very friend so hurt it’s hard isn’t it especially when you are very close to someone she is family to me

@TheVanguardSix you and your daughter will be fine together 💗 you are of support to one another

Once that divorce comes through I agree we will party! And then it may be so she can then move on once the divorce has come through, but yeah it seems the family court unless a very serious valid reason seems to frown on such none serious matters name calling and he said she said and so on*

After your comment it really does put in perspective how none serious this situation is and more likely it’s just the ex’s way to duck out of responsibilities to dc

You and your daughter take good care of each other 💐