Hi,
Am looking for guidance/information/support. Met husband at uni in uk, been together 26 years and married 19. Initially our plans were to settle in UK (he is an EU national).
I went to live in his country for a year. He found permanent employment, I had a decent job. We decided to stay put. We got married and had two children. When our youngest was 5 I lost my job. Since then I have had to dash here, there and everywhere working to help make ends meet. Where I am you don't get paid each month and are incredibly lucky to get paid 3 times a year. Husband has a job but has had significant contractual cut and gets paid between 2-3 months late 8 months a year. I have been desperately worried about our financial situation for years and have told him so. The kids are dual nationals and bilingual. Since they were babies we have been spending extended periods of time back home in the UK.
When the first covid lockdown happened, I was in the UK with the kids for a week to 10 days. Then all flights were cancelled and we ended up staying for 6 months. I ended up working in the UK from June to end of August. I suggested he come and visit and that we would be back at the start of September. He refused. At the time I was also going through a cancer scare with hospital appointments and he still didn't come. Add to that his aunts and uncles and mum calling summoning us back.
When we came back in September, I realised (as did the kids) that lockdown UK life was actually better than our regular EU country life.
Things were incredibly strained with husband and my MH took a real hit. We basically live in the house and see absolutely noone and have contact with nobody at all.
The strain has led to repeated low level arguments about anything and everything. I have also come to realise that he tends to gaslight - he denies I have said things, frequently calls me crazy, disturbed and not normal... in front of the kids. I am exhausted and really cannot cope any more. I consulted a lawyer both in the UK and in the EU country (officially consulted in UK and in Italy a phone call with a friend of a friend).
This summer he said he would come and visit us in the UK if there was no home quarantine. When they removed the need to quarantine he told the kids he wasn't coming anyway. He decided to go to the beach for his 2 week summer holiday with his mum and brothers... and then proceeded to talk about his nieces most of the time he called his kids. When it came time to head back, I was incredibly reluctant. He asked me every day if I had booked flights (I was actively looking for flights) and then would also tell my daughter to tell me to book flights.
I have been offered a permanent post in the UK and I have accepted it. It doesnt start until the new year. I am well aware what accepting it means. I have always said that any chance of relocating were entirely dependent on me having secured work. This job would enable us to offer the kids a genuine future, guarantee their possibility to go to university... but he will not see it that way. I have been mentioning relocating for at least 8 years and he stonewalls me every step of the way... the occasional times he does listen he either says I'm right and things are crap but it is the way it is. Other times he says well he has a job he likes and he doesnt need to relocate. I have also suggested relocating as a family elsewhere in his country. He refuses that too.
I really do not know which way to turn...