Involving children in divorce negotiations

[Blueraider]

I'm looking for some advice please

My wife and I are going to divorce at some point in the fairly near future.

She wants to involve the children (aged 14 & 13) in the negotiations on childcare.

My opinion is that to reduce stress on them we should agree first and then tell them what is going to happen.

Has anyone had experience of this ?

Any thoughts welcome please ?

Contact or childcare?

I think you should agree the bits that concern you and your wife between you (housing situation, mainly, but also what you are telling the children about the divorce too), but at those ages it is only right to consult the children about their thoughts on contact schedule, as it is obviously going to have an impact on them - their social lives, their activities and sports, etc.

My dc were 13, 11 and 6 when exH and I split, and we talked to them about future contact schedules and how it might work, although there are SN involved in our case and so not all of them could take part in the discussions in the same way.

You can’t tell the children that they’ve to see dad on such and such days and mum on such and such.
Their ages means THEY get to decide.

I think at their age they need to have some input into where they're living day-to-day, particularly with regard to their schooling/after school schedule. If one of you relocates, even a couple of miles in a big city, it can seriously hamper the child having to go to another address, further away from their established life.

You do need to be prepared for your children being very upset, and struggling to have rational conversations about the situation though, especially if they somehow see it as their fault (v common).

You have to decide between yourselves what options you can offer to the children so that they are well informed. Do you know where you will both live, whether you will be able to furnish separate rooms in both parents houses for kids, who will be able to cook, drive them to friends and activities on what days etc? Once you know, involve the kids. You can't really decide for them at this age. And even then expect some uncertainty and stay flexible. The more options you have and the closer you live to each other, the better.

I think you should get several options and them put them to the children. At 14 especially, your DC is able to decide for themselves. My DS is 15 and he would decide for himself

Thank you all for your input, very useful

At those ages they should have some consideration
Not dictate and not bow to them but it’s fair to include them in discussions I think on whether they want 50:50 and how that would work, or whether they want one base and then go stay with the other and what that looks like etc
If you can all be civil and fair you should be able to reach agreement
But be prepared for kids to say they do t mind or do t care when they do or also to say things they think both of you will want to hear
You need to also point out what both parents logic is and why