Child Maintenance / Parent not accepting ‘responsibility’

[Jne1]

My (hopefully) soon to be ex and I have struggled our way through two / three sessions of mediation.

He has agreed to buy me out of the family home, has indicated he can afford to to that (verbally indicating a mortgage in principle is available) and he has begrudgingly agreed via mediation to having the children alternative weekends, a dinner visit in the week and shared school holidays. He indicates he would like more however the children have indicated they are happy at this level as over night stays in the week are disruptive - I am in firm agreement.

Because he has agreed (verbally) to buy me out, I have been ‘shopping’ and made an offer on a house that has been accepted.

The NEx has now said that he doesn’t think he should pay maintenance toward the children but has acknowledged he should contribute something. He has offered £45 - the CSA calculator states he should pay £415 based on number of nights and salary.

He has increased this to £115 but he is in denial that this is an unreasonable amount. He believes he is entitled to half of the child benefit I receive (indicates he has been verbally advised by his solicitor this is the case - despite being a higher rate tax payer).

I have indicated to avoid using the CSA and ‘to be reasonable’ £350 is acceptable.

He has said he can no longer afford to buy me out at that level and will move back in on the 1st Dec.

He has said that if I go to the CSA, I will counter claim against me, will take me to tribunal, has asked me if it is all worth it for the stress, and pain claiming against him will cause me over the next 6 years (til youngest is 18). He has asked for evidence and justification of what I spend on the children, has said I am putting the mental health of the children at risk and that ‘I just need to accept £115 and move on’. This is all via email. He is no refusing to go to our next mediation session which was scheduled for the 27th September.

This is the divorce he wanted, and I have made sacrifices along the way- financial, career-wise and emotional.

He has a new partner with whom he plans to move in to the family home. She has 5 children, two of which live at home still.

Money is not an issue for my ex, and is not a huge driver for me, however I feel I am being bullied, threatened and blackmailed to accept his view of what is reasonable.

It is not possible for us to communicate between ourselves and get a constructive outcome.

I plan to speak to my solicitor tomorrow. All I would like to do is move on with my life and have his ‘control’ over my life ended. I don’t want to be in the family home, and would love to be purchasing the house I have found, however without him committing to buying me out legally I feel I have no where to go.

Has anyone experienced this? It feels like domestic abuse (gas lighting, emotional blackmail, control, threats…). I don’t know what to do for the best so any thoughts and experience would be very welcome.

Imo leave it all to your solicitor and Cms to sort out. Leaving the family home and both starting afresh is my ideal. No reason ever to have anything to do with him moving forward. Court order for dc contact and the door locked on your OWN home is a damn sight more appealing surely?

Just go along with what he's demanding, get yourself money then put in a CMS claim

He's delusional, child support is not negotiable and the CMS rate is already the minimum he should be paying.

Get the house on the market now, and split the equity when sold, 60/40 is fair as you will be resident parent. So no need for anyone to buy anyone out.

It absolutely is abuse, and mediation with abusers is pointless. Just file the court documents, demand he completes form E and get on with it. Ignore all the nonsense on email and don't reply, only communicate over the children. Although do keep copies as his behaviour could be useful in court. Instruct your sol not to respond to him too, as once he gets no response from you he may start that and you'll end up paying for it. You can do most of the paperwork yourself leading up to the first hearing. Once he sees that the he'll be scrutinised by a judge they often wind their necks back in and start behaving more reasonably. But do not back down, fight for you and your kids future and quality of life.

Thanks everyone.

Phone call with the solicitor this morning - a letter will be sent to give him one week to agree to the mediation agreements (ie him buying me out) via Court Order or application to court will be made for a contested divorce. I don’t particularly want to go to court, but it actually feels like a relief to have someone legal saying ‘go to court’.

I will make an application to the CSA.

I will also be contacting the local Women’s Aid group for advice around the abuse, and in anticipation that it will get worse once he realises that he is not going to get his own way.

Wish me luck!

Blimey, OP. What a nasty piece of work he is. I wonder what line he is spinning his new partner. This is why any woman should have no tolerance for men who don't support their own DC.

Good luck. He has no leg to stand on, so you will do well to just stick to the furrow you are ploughing the the solicitor and let it go all the way if it has to (I suspect he will back down long before crunch time).

Definitely make an application for CSA.

Why has his solicitor not told him that the CMS number is not optional? Weird that he doesn't seem to know that!

Personally I would definitely go via CMS with this man rather than making an agreement at 350 or wherever because it sounds like he'd likely go back on that.

He is right that it will impact how much he can borrow and yes, may stop him buying you out of the family home. But then the family home needs to be sold. If he can't afford to stay in it while also supporting his children then he can't afford to stay in it.

Op I had very similar issues. After months and months of rolling over trying to accommodate the ever changing goalposts of my ex's requests, not knowing what money I would get or when, I went through CMS. Best thing I did. Removed a huge chunk of antagonistic manipulation. Be aware though there is a delay between application and first payment. They suggested to me I appeal to my ex to make an additional payment to cover the gap. Haha. But I could let that go for the overall benefit.

We also ended up in court for finances. Don't be scared of it. Honestly - the judge put my ex right on so many points in a way neither I nor the mediator had been able to! Be aware they have no remit on CMS. That is dealt with via CMS and I would let your ex argue that one with them directly. He will get no where.

Good luck. It's a flipping long slog. Stay strong!

Just to warn you, check the CMS calculator again as he will/may be able to have the maintenance reduced because of her children.

@StopGo

Just to warn you, check the CMS calculator again as he will/may be able to have the maintenance reduced because of her children.

I have never ever heard of someone's partners children (even step children) being taken into account for child maintenance. Nor spousal income

If he and his new partner had another child that was biologically his then it would be slightly reduced but not with her existing 5 children

Well done OP, wishing you all the best

@KidneyNewName I'm afraid that's how it works. Once he lives with someone else her kids get taken into account whether they're his or not. It's very very wrong but that's how it works...

Wowser! My friend has just been through the end of a divorce and her ex is now living with someone with 3 kids.

He tried arguing he was paying for them as well but it wasn't taking into consideration!

Maybe she was just very lucky!!

It's correct that live-in girlfriend's children will be classed as dependents and CMS reduced accordingly.

Utterly wrong considering the girlfriend will still be able to get full maintenance from the father of her children.

Thank you everyone.
On Fri I had two calls from my solicitor - the second clarifying that my NEx’s solicitor had clarified with my NEx that (surprise surprise) he is liable to pay child maintenance, at the level the CSA say ie circa £400. He is going to contact his mortgage company to see if they will still lend to him at the level he needs, and if not, the house will go on the market.

After all the nastiness and the ‘I’ve made my £115 offer based on legal advice’, it seems to transpire that the legal advice was courtesy of Google rather than his own solicitor - and clearly an attempt to bully me to accept something to hurry things through (to his benefit not mine(. I gave zero trust in this man, so agree CSA all the way.
If there were any doubts about this being an aggressive move on my part, they’ve completely evaporated.

I don’t really want to wish him luck, but if he could still get that mortgage it would be amazing! Either way, a new start is on its way. Here’s hoping to less drama…

Have you even seen evidence of pension valuations?

Thank you, yes I’ve seen evidence of his pension pot and he of mine. We’re more or less equivalent, so a case of potatoes / potatoes.

I’ve just had the ordeal of the NEx letting himself in to the house whilst I was there and walking straight in to the lounge to pick up the girls.
He just unlocked the door today and let himself in.
I challenged him on him not following the agreement of ringing the bell (in front of our two girls - who clearly looked uncomfortable and scurried off) and all he had to say was ‘it’s my house’ to which I said ‘yes and it’s also mine’. I just stood there and waited for him to leave.

It’s clearly direct retaliation for the child maintenance matter / court letter. I don’t see that there’s anything I can do to stop him, as we co-own the house and it’s a matter of respect towards me (which he clearly lacks) but, the timing of it will be logged by me and I will use it as further evidence of bullying. I just don’t see why he has to be so nasty though.

@Jne1

I’ve just had the ordeal of the NEx letting himself in to the house whilst I was there and walking straight in to the lounge to pick up the girls. He just unlocked the door today and let himself in. I challenged him on him not following the agreement of ringing the bell (in front of our two girls - who clearly looked uncomfortable and scurried off) and all he had to say was ‘it’s my house’ to which I said ‘yes and it’s also mine’. I just stood there and waited for him to leave.

It’s clearly direct retaliation for the child maintenance matter / court letter. I don’t see that there’s anything I can do to stop him, as we co-own the house and it’s a matter of respect towards me (which he clearly lacks) but, the timing of it will be logged by me and I will use it as further evidence of bullying. I just don’t see why he has to be so nasty though.

I think you lose your house keys tomorrow and have to get the locks changed. If one is a Yale you can buy a new barrel, which is a lot cheaper.

The answer to “it is my house” is “It is my house too, and my home .”

Keep the latches locked and keys in key holes at all times so he nor anyone else can walk in whether they have keys or not, it's a basic security measure.

You can also get a second flip over latch or key chain put on too high up for the DC to open to stop them letting anyone in.