Moving to a different town

Getbehindme · 2021-09-18T15:03:32+00:00

Hi all, Separated a year and still to sort divorce and finances. I'm giving strong consideration to moving to a nearby town for myriad reasons: quality of life, affordable house, future proofing for my mother to move near. Has anyone done this and it gone OK with the ex? My kids are in Yr5 and Yr2. I'd be commuting to the city for work. They are with me 60/40 but we're moving to 50/50 soon. Amicable so far. My family aren't from here, his is and everything revolves around them it feels like! Anyone done this? Did you keep your kids in school until Secondary? Or just move?

Original poster

Getbehindme · 18/09/2021 16:04

It's a 35 min drive away, on a good day.

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CosmicUnicorn · 18/09/2021 16:13

How would you cope getting them to and from school if they’re with their dad 50% of the time?

Original poster

Getbehindme · 18/09/2021 17:16

That's kind of what I'm trying to gather intel on really. Has anyone lobbed this kind of grenade into their set up?

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CosmicUnicorn · 18/09/2021 17:18

It’s doable if you can get the kids too and from school when you have them but I would be worried it’d mess things up. I certainly see the attraction of moving to another town though. I’m thinking the same myself but my kids are 17 and 13 (eldest one applying for university soon).

Original poster

Getbehindme · 18/09/2021 17:35

Yes. The family were relieved I didn't take my kids back to my country where my family are!

I know it's compromise, but I've always been the one to compromise. If the kids didn't have a relationship with him then it'd be a no brained but they do. I just feel a bit trapped here at the moment and it's one of those cities with crazy house prices. And a potential move from my mum to live near us or with us as I'm the only one who can care for her as I get older.

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Original poster

Getbehindme · 18/09/2021 17:36

*she gets older

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LemonTT · 18/09/2021 18:33

What you will have to think about is how this fits in with your children’s lives. When parents live close together it’s easy for them to move between homes and maintain their social lives and hobbies.

The problem they will have and it’s a terrible conflict to have as a child will be if they have to choose between a friends party or going to dads. Will they be able to join weekend clubs or again is that a choice about going to mummy or daddy’s.

Original poster

Getbehindme · 18/09/2021 23:55

True, although we are generally pretty flexible at the moment, it's not too far away, but I take your point. Especially if this causes a stress.

Thing is, right now we're close by but that's because I'm still in the house and he's renting. We are likely to have to sell so we may end up further apart anyways.

Speaking to friends tonight I realised that I'm just feeling like I don't have an anchor here. With my 'family' now split, and my family are not here so I'm just feeling a bit lost I think.

The only thing keeping me here is the kids. I have friends, but they're all busy with their lives. I have a friend over in the other town.

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ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 19/09/2021 00:01

It works ok when you have an EOW scenario, but I can’t see how it would work with 50/50, as someone would have a horrible school run on their days, and no fun for the dc either. Ironically, I stayed in the town my ex was from, but he then moved 90 minutes away to live with his girlfriend. So, whether you do decide to stay or not, you don’t know what the future holds. So I understand you wanting to do what works for you.

wobytide · 19/09/2021 01:04

Years 7-13 are a lot more socially orientated than primary school where the parent controls the socialising. Being in a different town to school will make it more awkward for one parent whichever way it lands

FanGirlX · 19/09/2021 01:30

@Getbehindme

Yes. The family were relieved I didn't take my kids back to my country where my family are!

I know it's compromise, but I've always been the one to compromise. If the kids didn't have a relationship with him then it'd be a no brained but they do. I just feel a bit trapped here at the moment and it's one of those cities with crazy house prices. And a potential move from my mum to live near us or with us as I'm the only one who can care for her as I get older.

Bit confused by this. Is your mum already in the U.K.?

Original poster

Getbehindme · 19/09/2021 08:51

Yes, sorry, being vague about my location in the unlikely event that someone reads this and thinks- this sounds familiar!

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Original poster

Getbehindme · 19/09/2021 08:58

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer

It works ok when you have an EOW scenario, but I can’t see how it would work with 50/50, as someone would have a horrible school run on their days, and no fun for the dc either. Ironically, I stayed in the town my ex was from, but he then moved 90 minutes away to live with his girlfriend. So, whether you do decide to stay or not, you don’t know what the future holds. So I understand you wanting to do what works for you.

This has crossed my mind too. We're definitely at a stage where anything could happen.

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LemonTT · 19/09/2021 09:42

OP. The point is that your children are your anchors. And their anchor is planted were they live. Of course he might up and move. But that he might do something harmful in the future is no justification for you doing it now.

Almost all of the separated parents I know would have had better homes, jobs and relationships if they decided not to put their children’s needs first.

I would suggest you think about the implications of them staying in school near their father and having their social lives there. Which in a 50/50 arrangement should be fair.

How are you going to feel when their dad tells them they don’t want to see you because they have football training or a party. Would you even want them to make that choice.

Original poster

Getbehindme · 19/09/2021 11:16

Thanks for your response LemonTT.

My kids are the priority of course, and I feel very selfish thinking this way. I'm worried what the reality is for us, are they really going to be better off/ happy in a house in a shitty part of town, could they thrive elsewhere? Do we end up clinging on to these things because that's the road we're on, or would some upheaval and change be hard in the short term but better in the long run. I guess no one really knows that.

Separation is an example of that. They don't know that this crap thing happened to them because it was actually for the best. Staying together would have been more damaging but its hard for them to see that at present. I've had to put up with a lot and swallow a lot of my feelings and hurt so far in order to protect them from the fall out. They didn't ask for any of this.

It's most likely a fantasy that I'll just have to put away to the back of my mind until they reach an age where I can start to think about my life again in terms of what I want.

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LCScotmum · 28/12/2022 10:03

Can I ask if you moved or not and if you did how u found dropping kids at school and kids social lives etc? I'm on same boat. Moving 11 miles /25 min drive wirh new partner to different town but same local authority. Indont see a problem with dropping kids and driving them etc but would like to hear from someone that has done it x

Original poster

Getbehindme · 15/02/2023 14:36

Hi,

I did! It's going fine for now - obviously things can and might change as they get older but it's working out for now. We leave early, but no earlier than someone using breakfast club for instance. We've got a new routine that involves everyone getting ready as soon as they wake up, rather than drifting about the house in pj's. Traffic has only made us 5min late twice. As the nights get lighter, I've been getting them to do some homework in the car, we have really big chats and I think I get more out of them this way, sometimes we sing. Honestly, it's been great, plus the benefits of where we've moved to.

Socially, we changed our contact so it's more clear cut where they are and when. And this is now factored into everything. If they have a party to go to, then I take them as its not that far.

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